The Weight of Grief: Understanding Death's Impact on Us
A profound exploration of the intricate relationship between Death and her younger sister, Grief, serves as the cornerstone of our discourse today. We delve into the significance of navigating these heavy themes in our quotidian existence, shedding light on the myriad ways they manifest within our lives. This conversation, while deeply personal, aims to create a sanctuary for those grappling with similar feelings, encouraging authenticity and vulnerability. As we traverse this sensitive terrain, we acknowledge that our listeners may experience triggers, and we encourage them to prioritize their well-being above all else. Together, we invite you to engage in this reflective dialogue, as we seek to understand and honor the complexities of loss and its enduring impact.
In this episode we have a triggering conversation about Death & her baby sister Grief and what it has meant to navigate that in our every day lives.
If you are struggling with grief and hearing something like this triggers you, by all means take care you first... We will be here when you get back!
So for now,
Let's Vibe
Transcript
Okay.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So after the.
Speaker A:After the fact of you saying what's up?
Speaker A:And then I say what's up?
Speaker A:And then you introduce yourself, and then we start talking about other things.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:However, there is a little bit of scripting, so maybe.
Speaker A:I don't know if you remember it.
Speaker A:It's all cool.
Speaker A:I got.
Speaker A:I got you on the.
Speaker A:Unbeknownst to the other.
Speaker B:Well, we also don't have to stick to that script, but.
Speaker B:Yes, we do.
Speaker A:I feel like it's become like Lil Wayne lighting his blunt at the beginning of every song.
Speaker B:Wait, what?
Speaker A:You know where the.
Speaker A:Well, maybe you don't listen to Lil Wayne songs, but, like, anytime that he has a song or anytime that he's featured on somebody's song, you can hear a lighter lighting, and it's him lighting up a blunt before he starts rapping his verse.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And he said.
Speaker A:He said in interviews that it's not a sound bite.
Speaker A:He does it every single time.
Speaker B:Every single time he does.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker A:Every time he goes into the booth to start rapping, he lights a blunt, and it's like a new sound for each song.
Speaker B:Good for Wayne.
Speaker A:That's my birthday.
Speaker A:That's my birthday twin.
Speaker A:Really?
Speaker A:Well, he's two years older than myself and ever Lavigne, but, yeah, he has the same birthday as us.
Speaker B:You know who my birthday twins are?
Speaker B:Did I tell you this already?
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:Will Smith?
Speaker B:No.
Speaker A:Cardi B.
Speaker A:Usher?
Speaker A:I'm gonna stop naming people tell me.
Speaker B:Which is hilarious because both of them are like me personally, personality wise.
Speaker B:Number one is Jeff Goldblum.
Speaker B:Okay, Love him.
Speaker B:Love him, because he is just him.
Speaker B:And number two is T.S.
Speaker B:madison.
Speaker A:Maybe you.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:Maybe you have said that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And I'm.
Speaker B:I. I love Maddie today.
Speaker A:We're such a.
Speaker A:We're such a stylish group of people.
Speaker B:Okay, come on, Shout out Libra Nation.
Speaker B:Listen, y' all here.
Speaker B:Getting microphones and sounding foolish.
Speaker B:This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about bullshit and don't make any sense.
Speaker B:This is.
Speaker B:This is a real conversation for real adults.
Speaker A:What's Waheda?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Listen to it, because you want to know what we're talking about.
Speaker B:What's up, King?
Speaker A:What's up, sir?
Speaker B:And what's up to all you out there.
Speaker B:Welcome to the what are we even.
Speaker A:Talking about podcast, where every other episode, we take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.
Speaker B:So the conversation is unrehearsed, authentic, and.
Speaker A:Most importantly, a safe space for Friends to be vulnerable.
Speaker B:So go ahead, grab your favorite cocktails or mocktails and get yourself ready and find out.
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:I am and always will be pj.
Speaker B:Otherwise known as sir pj.
Speaker B:AKA I be that nigga over there.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Moment of silence for that.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And I am King Christopher.
Speaker A:Or just Christopher or Daddy or that over here.
Speaker A:Because.
Speaker B:Yeah, come on over there.
Speaker B:Listen, there's a.
Speaker B:Over there.
Speaker B:This over here.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:We are everywhere.
Speaker A:Listen.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Speaker B:How you been?
Speaker B:How was your week?
Speaker A:I don't hate my life.
Speaker A:However, there are certain parts of it that could be so much better.
Speaker A:But I have been doing things that are necessary for me to stay level headed.
Speaker A:So I think the week has been cool.
Speaker A:However, there have been several moments where I'm like, I want to murder somebody and get away with it.
Speaker B:Listen, I want to.
Speaker B:I want to go ahead and find enemies.
Speaker B:Keeping with her bag and her hard walk and find out she can get me off too.
Speaker A:How to get away, but not get.
Speaker B:Me off in that way.
Speaker A:But I'm.
Speaker B:Boom.
Speaker A:I mean.
Speaker B:I mean, apparently the men loved her.
Speaker B:So with the.
Speaker A:With the right lubricant.
Speaker A:I just want to say now that we're here, that if you listened to a recent episode, more specifically episode five one, where we had a intimate discussion about some intimate things, I would like to retract my statement.
Speaker A:I do not believe that I was a cock sucking whore in my past lifetime.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I don't know what led me to say that that day.
Speaker A:I don't know what state of duress life had me under, but I would just like to say that I am a wholesome young man and that.
Speaker A:That is not a part of my truth, nor my character.
Speaker A:Thank you, ladies.
Speaker B:Let's roll.
Speaker B:Ladies and gentlemen, let's roll back the tape.
Speaker A:Like in another life, I was a boy.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:You know what?
Speaker B:It's so funny.
Speaker B:Well, I. I have this problem with oversharing and I.
Speaker B:So I.
Speaker B:For all of you out there, I'm so glad you led off with this.
Speaker B:For all you out there who listen to that episode and we're like, okay, this is a lot.
Speaker B:It was a lot.
Speaker B:And I think.
Speaker B:I think I have had another thing to add to list to my therapist about why I overshared.
Speaker B:Because it's a trauma response.
Speaker B:Yeah, but that was a lot.
Speaker B:But, you know, hey, we felt comfortable.
Speaker B:So we're not pulling the episode, FYI.
Speaker B:So ever.
Speaker B:It's there.
Speaker B:We said what we said.
Speaker B:I said what I said.
Speaker B:And he's reneging on what he said.
Speaker B:But we're gonna.
Speaker A:I would just like to say that that is not a part of my truth or my character.
Speaker A:But with all of those things being said, we are gonna go ahead and get started with a little bit of this or a little bit of that.
Speaker B:But my week was great and I.
Speaker A:Did not ask you.
Speaker A:And that makes me a rude bitch.
Speaker A:And I apologize for that because for whatever reason, I was just trying to get to my segment that your week was great.
Speaker A:Tell me more about that.
Speaker B:No, my week was actually pretty chill.
Speaker B:I enjoyed right now.
Speaker B:I finished one of my projects with my students.
Speaker B:They have drove me over a bridge and at the end of the actual flying off the bridge, I landed safely.
Speaker B:And I mean that to say that they did the damn thing.
Speaker B:And I'm really proud of these kids sometimes.
Speaker B:And I just really want to acknowledge the fact that as a teacher of high school students, you are constantly reminded about how not cool you think you are to these kids.
Speaker B:15, 16, 17 year olds.
Speaker B:And then I'm reminded how much I don't care them kids, bro, because who are you?
Speaker B:You just got.
Speaker A:It's giving that y' all talking about.
Speaker B:Okay, because y' all can't even spell.
Speaker A:And moment of silence for that because y' all can't even spell.
Speaker B:So now this or that.
Speaker B:So what was it again?
Speaker A:Yeah, I. I apologize.
Speaker A:But oh, because y' all can't even spell.
Speaker A:So with this or that I will ask you this or that.
Speaker A:Self help books or inspirational podcast?
Speaker B:Inspirational podcast.
Speaker A:I would like to say the same as a host of a podcast that I hope inspires others.
Speaker A:But I do love a good atomic habits.
Speaker A:A good you are a badass.
Speaker A:A good Let them theory.
Speaker A:Like all of those different things.
Speaker A:Like I feel like I found some really, really, really, really great just inspiration for life from like some really awesome books.
Speaker A:Whereas I've gotten a little lazier in my older age.
Speaker A:I love a good fiction novel, but when it comes to those type of books, it's like, you know what?
Speaker A:Audible me.
Speaker A:I want you to read it to me and let me know how you sound talking about these great thoughts that you came up when you were reading and your editor was editing this book.
Speaker B:So on the train today, Synchronicity is a thing.
Speaker B:On the train today.
Speaker B:Sitting directly across from me was his.
Speaker B:He.
Speaker B:He looked like he was in his early 20s.
Speaker B:And he had this book and it was titled.
Speaker B:I'm paraphrasing it, but it was basically how to win over friends and strategize yourself.
Speaker B:Or something like that.
Speaker A:I thought, like, I know the book you're talking about.
Speaker A:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:And he was trying to keep notes in his.
Speaker B:In his.
Speaker B:In the book.
Speaker B:But the pen broke, and, like, you could see the frustration in his face.
Speaker B:And he was.
Speaker B:Hey, girl.
Speaker B:And he was one of us, right?
Speaker B:So he was just reading this, and he was trying to take notes, and he took the pen apart, and it was like.
Speaker B:He took the pen apart.
Speaker B:So you had the little part of the pen that's inside the pen.
Speaker B:So he was writing.
Speaker B:He was trying to write.
Speaker B:And I just dug in my bag and said, here.
Speaker B:And I handed him a pen, and he was like, thank you.
Speaker B:And he did what he did and tried to hand it back to me.
Speaker B:I said, no, girl, keep that, please.
Speaker B:I. I support you in this decision, so go ahead.
Speaker B:I love that, actually.
Speaker A:Okay, next.
Speaker A:And I love that as well.
Speaker A:Shared goals or individual growth?
Speaker A:I did not answer the question.
Speaker A:I don't know what's going on with me today, but I'm going to pull it together before we get too far.
Speaker A:Did I. I did.
Speaker B:You did.
Speaker A:Which only leans.
Speaker A:Only lends more to what I just said.
Speaker A:I don't know what's going on with me today, but what did I say?
Speaker A:I said private relations.
Speaker A:Nope, that's not what I said.
Speaker A:I said shared goals or individual growth.
Speaker A:That's what I said.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Shared goals, individual growth.
Speaker A:I feel like for a really long time my answer would have been shared goals.
Speaker A:But as of late, it's been like, you know, y' all figure it out.
Speaker A:I gotta figure it out.
Speaker A:We'll come back together at a later time.
Speaker A:Yeah, I think that's.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:I think in this moment, it's shared goals, but I'm genuinely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Lead with your heart or lead with your mind.
Speaker A:Use your heart.
Speaker B:And I will find that's not the.
Speaker A:Words, but actually it.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker A:Use your heart and not your mind.
Speaker A:So, like, it's.
Speaker A:It's very cohesive with the question.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:So I lead with my heart all the time.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So I. Yeah, I'm more of an emotional thinker, and I think you're more of a logical thinker.
Speaker B:So I anticipate you saying yeah, because the opposite.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:I feel like Precious Mama talking to her when it comes to my heart.
Speaker A:You're a dummy, bitch.
Speaker A:My heart is not.
Speaker A:My heart is not the one to listen to.
Speaker A:She will lead me down the wrong path every time.
Speaker A:She will have me on the side of the road trying to figure out how to get home.
Speaker A:And home is right behind me.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So definitely the mind.
Speaker A:And one more.
Speaker A:Oh, I'm cute.
Speaker A:I. I have a feeling I might know your answer, but I'm curious because I feel like I'm battling between my answers now.
Speaker A: s nostalgia or: Speaker B:Oh, 90s nostalgia.
Speaker B:90s.
Speaker B:I'm so sorry.
Speaker B:90s.
Speaker B:90s.
Speaker A:So I think only because it's like, yes, I.
Speaker A:So as somebody born in the 80s, I lived through both.
Speaker A:And I appreciate so much of the value of what the 90s had to offer.
Speaker A:But I can say for myself truly that I love having been able to watch how much things have shifted and transformed and developed as far as fashion and technology and music.
Speaker A:Music and art and just all of the things.
Speaker A: So I think for me,: Speaker A:Just because I.
Speaker A:Even in just looking back over different things, I think there's so much excitement to recognize about just the growth of the world and just how far things have come.
Speaker B:So, yeah, meanwhile, I don't know a damn thing that's come out in the world.
Speaker B:I. I stick in my.
Speaker B:I stick in my playlist on Spotify.
Speaker B:It has a little.
Speaker B:The little djx.
Speaker B:And he goes, here goes more of the music that you're listening to.
Speaker A:That's one example.
Speaker A:Back in the day, you had tapes and CDs, and before that you had eight tracks.
Speaker A:And now you.
Speaker A:Now you can say Spotify.
Speaker A:You know, that's a thing.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, but I'm still stuck in the.
Speaker A:No, hilarious.
Speaker A:With all.
Speaker A:With all of these.
Speaker A:All of these vinyl records behind me.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I get it.
Speaker A: But: Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:What you got for it?
Speaker B:So today I think I want to introduce a little something, a little news thing here.
Speaker B:And I was thinking about this the other day, and we're gonna call this section, this segment.
Speaker A:You've been blocked.
Speaker A:I'll let you know if I need you to tag me in there.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:I'm sure I got a couple of bitches blocked right now.
Speaker A:No, I'm kidding.
Speaker B:So let me.
Speaker B:First off by saying this, okay, listen here.
Speaker A:What is the name of them?
Speaker B:Let me see.
Speaker A:Let me just pull up one of their messages.
Speaker B:You from the CFS Clear Fund.
Speaker B:Stop fucking texting me and asking me if I want to put some money or I want some more capital towards my business.
Speaker B:I already told you, I did not sign up for this.
Speaker B:I already told you I am not that person.
Speaker B:I already told you that.
Speaker B:Who the hell is Philip Jake?
Speaker B:I don't know that person.
Speaker B:That is not me.
Speaker B:And stop saying that and stop asking me.
Speaker B:What about your pizza business?
Speaker B:It's Luigi pizza, isn't it?
Speaker B:Like, no, no, no, no.
Speaker B:I've already cursed you guys out.
Speaker B:I'm gonna need you spam callers and all you people trying to scam us to leave us the fuck alone.
Speaker B:Cause guess what, bitch?
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker B:Number two.
Speaker B:You up.
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:Don't hit me up out of the blue, months, years later, talking about, hey, you up?
Speaker B:Nah, I'm sleep, okay?
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm sleep like Sleeping Beauty, okay?
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker B:Don't do it.
Speaker B:Stay away from me.
Speaker B:Stay away from me.
Speaker B:Because there's one thing I've learned about life.
Speaker B:And a lot of you out there who constantly do this, y' all are either a loser, a user, or an abuser.
Speaker B:One of those three.
Speaker B:Never something positive.
Speaker A:All the.
Speaker B:In my opinion, all the oozes, okay?
Speaker B:All of the oozers, okay?
Speaker B:And lastly, and this is the most important one, okay, y' all who love to talk about, oh, I didn't see your message, but, you know, your thing gives red receipts, and then you respond months, months later and.
Speaker B:But lie and say that you haven't read it.
Speaker B:Just understand this.
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:Now, I. I have been that person who has read it, but I will come clean and be honest with you and say, hey, I didn't get a chance yet to respond or whatever, but I'm not gonna sit here and say, oh, I never saw your message because, yes, you did.
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker B:Well, that's a little aggressive because I quite do that quite some time.
Speaker A:So that's a little.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's mean.
Speaker B:As your finger is going up, tag.
Speaker A:Me in, because I have one to add.
Speaker A:I would like to block some people.
Speaker A:Just one.
Speaker A:Just one group of people.
Speaker A:And I would like to respond to that.
Speaker A:So on the block list for me, while I understand that you all, as a part of the age of social media, believe that the purpose of social media is to be social.
Speaker A:If we don't know each other, if we have never had a conversation, if I don't have a personal relationship with you and you ever call me on anything, Snapchat, Instagram, anywhere where you can make a call through an inbox and I see a ring and we have not had any prior conversation in regard to an expectation for a call, automatic block.
Speaker B:You've been blocked.
Speaker A:Thank you so much.
Speaker B:I'm sitting here doing the.
Speaker B:The sign language for an applause.
Speaker B:Let's go, boy.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:Now, in regard to what you said prior, I will just say that I have had to tell many people before, and this is the thing about the iPhone, because it is going to sound like to everybody listening, like, oh, he's who he's talking about.
Speaker A:Let's go ahead and block him.
Speaker A:But I can say for certain that there have been instances where, let's say, for example, we were texting and then I went in my phone and opened another app and might have been doing something different.
Speaker A:And I, for whatever reason, like, because the messages already opened within the messages, it didn't give me the notification.
Speaker A:However, because the message is already opened, it told you that I read it while in the meantime, I never saw it.
Speaker A:So here we are days later, and I'm like, well, damn, do we just stop texting?
Speaker A:And then I go look, and it's like, oh, they take text me last.
Speaker A:I didn't even realize that.
Speaker A:So I have been party to that.
Speaker A:And I will say for those that do do that, that while some of you are liars, there are some of you who don't do it intentionally.
Speaker A:And I understand.
Speaker A:Yeah, liars.
Speaker B:And I will, you know, and I. I will add to this part, like, listen, I do understand there are moments where, and I am very much that guy occasionally where I'm like, oh, so they're not gonna fucking ever respond to me.
Speaker B:Like, I responded, and then I realized, oh, yeah, so I didn't hit send.
Speaker A:Oops, bury that.
Speaker B:And we've done that to each other several times.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:So, you know, you might not.
Speaker B:Okay, so you won't be blocked, but you'll be put on the list.
Speaker A:Okay, so, yeah, that is funny.
Speaker A:So I have a question, and it's rather important.
Speaker A:And, you know, I know that a lot of times people think that this question.
Speaker A:I think it depends on who you are and what you value as to whether or not you may deem this question necessary and important or not.
Speaker A:But I'm gonna ask it anyway, and you tell me your opinion.
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:W A W E T a podcast or.
Speaker B:Okay, first things first.
Speaker B:This is a trigger warning conversation.
Speaker B:Oh, okay.
Speaker B:First things first.
Speaker B:First things first.
Speaker B:So understand, ladies and gentlemen, if you are working through some things and hopefully listening to this can help.
Speaker B:But if you are dealing with this, understand that if you are still in a.
Speaker B:In a space where you can't listen to a conversation as such, we accept you to step away now.
Speaker B:But come back.
Speaker B:Please come back.
Speaker B:Okay, Number two, I think everything happens for a Reason.
Speaker B:It's so interesting how I asked King how his week was and he didn't even acknowledge knowledge.
Speaker B:The fact that he was a guest on someone's show titled how youw Grieving.
Speaker B:Uh, I. I think that.
Speaker B:Let's just take a.
Speaker B:Let's take a little step back.
Speaker B:You wanna talk about that at all?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I had the opportunity.
Speaker A:Someone asked me, um, and I think, honestly, being in this space and, like, having these conversations has helped me to open up and it's helped me.
Speaker A:Helping me to grow in confidence.
Speaker A:And I'm starting to feel a little bit less of an introvert more and more.
Speaker A:So someone asked me and I agreed.
Speaker A:They had seen me live on TikTok, having some conversations, and I guess they appreciated the value in what I was saying based on a particular subject matter.
Speaker A:And they asked me to be a part of their podcast where they talk specifically about grieving.
Speaker A:His name is Malcolm.
Speaker A:It's a really, really amazing show.
Speaker A:I felt really grateful for the opportunity, and it was a really cool experience.
Speaker A:I think, as I told him, I commend him so tremendously because it's like, no matter where you go, I think people think typically touch on the subject, but I think it's so very rare to find a podcast where it's fully dedicated to that being on the other side of, like, grieving different losses.
Speaker A:So, yeah, if you're interested, definitely.
Speaker A:Feel free to check it out.
Speaker A:No pressure.
Speaker B:Awesome listen.
Speaker B:No pressure.
Speaker B:As he drops the mic.
Speaker B:Oh, awesome listen.
Speaker B:Awesome listen.
Speaker B:So it's interesting because I kind of wanted this to be the conversation, but today it makes sense.
Speaker B:So the conversation is about grief.
Speaker B:And the reason why I say.
Speaker B:I say today, it makes sense, is today is someone important to me.
Speaker B:His.
Speaker B:His birthday, and he has passed on.
Speaker B:I've talked about Clarence quite a bit, and usually days like today are not great.
Speaker B:Days are also days I am out of commission, Whether it's disappeared because I turn off all my devices or I am under some influence and I can't be bothered.
Speaker B:So when you ask, like, are we doing today?
Speaker B:I was like, I want to say no.
Speaker B:But then I realized that today is July 17, and I said, no, I need this.
Speaker B:I need this.
Speaker B:And I want to make today this conversation and how fitting it came right after you did that.
Speaker B:So I have a few questions that we both can talk about.
Speaker A:Oh, we both better.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:You better stay with your chest out.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:You've done your thing on that.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:For anybody that had listened to the episode, I want to say was that three.
Speaker B:Three yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Where, where I was the interviewee and basically got put on the spot unbeknownst, as we say so often, unbeknownst to the other.
Speaker A:Yeah, this ain't that.
Speaker A:Let's go.
Speaker A:Tell me what you tell me.
Speaker A:Tell me what you want to know, but be prepared to respond in kind.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Well, the first question is, what has grief taught you about yourself and about life in general?
Speaker A:That's a good question.
Speaker A:What has grief taught first?
Speaker A:Yeah, I was gonna say, if you have your answer already developed, definitely, go ahead because I have to think about it.
Speaker A:Oh, well, then in that case I will say, I think what grief has taught me about myself is that I'm stronger than I ever realized I was or could be.
Speaker A:I know for a really long time, especially as a young person, that I used to always say that if anything ever happened to my mom, I would have to be institutionalized.
Speaker A:Like I literally did not believe that I would be able to make it through the rest of my life if she wasn't here.
Speaker A:So having had that experience, especially so much sooner than I ever would have anticipated, I definitely think it's taught me, which it had taught me before.
Speaker A:And I think, you know, even the experience that I dealt with with cancer, there was some grief in that.
Speaker A:So I think, yeah, generally speaking, any experience that I've had where grief has been involved, it's taught me how strong I am, how resilient I am, how much more capable of overcoming certain things I am than I ever believed.
Speaker A:Because I don't think I ever really believed in myself in regard to that.
Speaker A:I don't think I ever had faith in the fact that I could overcome certain things.
Speaker A:I literally.
Speaker A:That there were certain things in life that if they ever happened, they would destroy me.
Speaker A:And those things have happened and I'm still here.
Speaker A:But it's, I feel like it was a two part question.
Speaker A:What has it taught me about myself?
Speaker A:And then what was the other part of it?
Speaker B:Life in general.
Speaker A:I'll say the same for both.
Speaker B:Okay, I'll say for me, for myself.
Speaker B:It has really taught me what I, what I struggle with the most, most.
Speaker B:And that is acceptance.
Speaker B:And that's acceptance of things that I, I, I, I want and things that I don't want to happen.
Speaker B:And I gotta accept that the fact that it's going to happen someday, some someday we will not be together.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it has really helped me.
Speaker B:Let me take a further step back.
Speaker B:Dealing with grief has been really hard.
Speaker B:But I realized what has.
Speaker B:Oh well, this actually answers the question the Next question.
Speaker B:So let me not take that step back.
Speaker B:I probably should have thought about my.
Speaker B:My answers in depth as I was coming up with these questions.
Speaker B:It's okay.
Speaker B:I mean, it's gonna be because we're here now.
Speaker A:Take your time.
Speaker B:It has taught me that I still have a long way to go in my healing.
Speaker B:I still, I still struggle in.
Speaker B:In more ways than I'd like to admit.
Speaker B:And I'm still not as strong as people say that I am, you know, because there are things that go on in my head that kind of bleed into the text that I sent you.
Speaker B:And you were like, oh, when I was with my family for this block party we had.
Speaker B:And I.
Speaker B:And you know, as a person who really suffers from manic bipolar depression, I want people to understand what that actually means.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's the mania of it all.
Speaker B:It's out of the blue and like, I didn't even realize today was today until like, maybe like 30 minutes prior to you texting me.
Speaker B:No, actually, no.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:30 minutes prior to me waking up from my hour four hour nap.
Speaker B:Yes, our four hour nap, because I.
Speaker B:It was only for an hour, but it lasted for four hours.
Speaker A:Got you.
Speaker B:So, but about.
Speaker B:In life in general, grief has just taught me really to take advantage of the little things and appreciate the people who appreciate you.
Speaker A:I want to change my answer.
Speaker A:I think no, and not necessarily like the full thing, but, like, as far as what it's taught me about life, I think what it's taught me about life is, is that when you're dealing with things that inspire grief, you really learn who the people are in your life that truly care about you.
Speaker A:I remember after my mother passed away that there were certain people in my life that I expected to be there that were not, and that there were certain people that I never would have expected to hear from that were there consistently.
Speaker A:There were people that showed up at the memorial service that I hadn't seen in years, that I don't even know how they found out about it.
Speaker A:But as soon as they heard, knowing how important she was to me, they were there so that I would know that they were there to support me.
Speaker A:So I think sincerely, like, that's what it's taught me about life.
Speaker A:Like, when you're in a moment where you need to understand, these are the people that really care, these are the people that are really down for you.
Speaker A:These are the people that are meant to, you know, kind of be a part of your life long term.
Speaker A:Because, you know, we all know by now that Whole reason or a season type, whatever that saying is.
Speaker A:But, like, yeah, like, that was what it taught me about life.
Speaker A:Because, like I said, there were people that were like, I really expected, like, I know you're gonna be here.
Speaker A:And it's like, they just weren't.
Speaker A:And then there were other people where I was like, child, I didn't even think about you, and here you are.
Speaker A:And I can't express that gratitude right now just because of what I'm dealing with, but thank you.
Speaker A:So shout out to anybody.
Speaker A:I just want to say that because that was a really hard time for me, and it was like a blur after the fact.
Speaker A:So I know for sure that I didn't take the time that I needed to in that moment.
Speaker A:But if you listen and you were there, shout out to anybody that was present for my mother's memorial service.
Speaker A:Because that was a day, A day that I was ready to get through.
Speaker A:Didn't want to do it, didn't want to be there, didn't want to be a part of it.
Speaker A:Love.
Speaker A:My mom definitely wanted to be able to give her what it was that she desired as far as a celebration of life.
Speaker A:However, child, I was over it.
Speaker A:And then it pissed me off.
Speaker A:Not because I didn't want him to be able to experience grief in the way that he wanted to or not because I was mad at him about having emotions.
Speaker A:But it pissed me off that my brother broke down in the way that he.
Speaker A:He did.
Speaker A:Because for me, in my mind, I was not in the position to.
Speaker A:Like, I was.
Speaker A:I'm the oldest, and I'm taking care of everybody, and I'm managing all these things, and I'm making it sure that everything runs smoothly.
Speaker A:I'm taking care of the kids.
Speaker A:I'm taking care of my sister.
Speaker A:I'm taking care of your baby mama.
Speaker A:Like, I'm taking care of all these people, making sure that everybody's okay.
Speaker A:I was over that nigga for breaking down the way that he broke down.
Speaker A:And I apologized to him, and I'm sure maybe he'll listen.
Speaker A:I don't know, maybe he won't.
Speaker A:But I apologize to him for that.
Speaker A:In that moment, feeling that way.
Speaker A:But in that moment, I was irritated.
Speaker A:I remember telling my friends, after the fact, I was like, get me out of here.
Speaker A:I said, hey to some cousins, some aunts, some family, some people that I knew in passing on the way out.
Speaker A:But I was like, yeah, get me out of here.
Speaker A:My brother has drained me.
Speaker A:Love my brother to death.
Speaker A:If you're listening.
Speaker A:I love you, but in that moment, I was tired because, nigga, hold your shit.
Speaker A:But anyway, unrelated to anything else, continue.
Speaker B:So here's what I'll say about that.
Speaker B:And, you know, I can talk a lot about that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:In the sense of other than.
Speaker B:And this is what has helped me cope.
Speaker B:And this was part of the.
Speaker B:Partially.
Speaker B:The next question.
Speaker B:How about I asked the question first.
Speaker B:Like, okay, what do you think has helped you cope with grief?
Speaker B:And for me.
Speaker A:Drugs.
Speaker A:No, but go ahead.
Speaker A:I was gonna say if you.
Speaker A:If you really want to know.
Speaker B:If you really want to know.
Speaker A:Drugs.
Speaker A:But no, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Speaker B:No, that's.
Speaker A:No, we can.
Speaker A:I mean, we can really.
Speaker A:No, we can really talk about it.
Speaker A:But seriously, I really would love to.
Speaker B:What has helped me cope in a positive way?
Speaker B:You know what?
Speaker B:Should we start with the positive or start with a negative?
Speaker B:Yeah, let's help you cope in a negative way.
Speaker A:Drugs.
Speaker A:Yes, I was.
Speaker A:I went from never buying weed, only being that person that, like, if somebody had weed, would hit the blunt, just, like, as a social smoker, to being somebody that was out in the snow, slipping and sliding down the highway so I could meet the weed man somewhere to go get an ounce because I needed it.
Speaker B:Oh, see, you're sitting here talking about going actually in the snow.
Speaker B:I'm talking about sniffing through the snow.
Speaker B:So that's where I was going.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:So not those drugs, per se.
Speaker A:But I'm with you.
Speaker A:I follow you.
Speaker A:Like, whatever it takes.
Speaker A:Like, sometimes you just need to escape from it all.
Speaker A:Like, I need to escape before I lose my mind, like, because this is almost unbearable and I don't know how else to bear it.
Speaker A:I need something to mute me or mute this.
Speaker A:Mute the noise.
Speaker A:Mute.
Speaker A:Mute the thoughts or at least numb me to a point as to where I don't have to feel things in the way that I'm feeling them otherwise.
Speaker B:So I have never even talked about this publicly.
Speaker B:So I'm glad that I have this space and we have this space for this to happen, because I've never talked about, like, my addiction when it came down to, like, using things like cocaine or methamphetamines or things of that nature.
Speaker A:Have you ever been on cocaine, Nick?
Speaker B:Staging.
Speaker B:And this is why I always tell people all the time, we cannot judge people because you don't know what their walk is.
Speaker B:You know, what happened to get them where they are.
Speaker B:And you just need to pray or try to help them, support them so they don't stay where they are and they can be where they were.
Speaker B:Those.
Speaker B:Those were really some hard, Hard diggity hard times.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I'll say this.
Speaker B:This.
Speaker B:These are the things that were negatively impacting.
Speaker B:And I won't go into too much detail.
Speaker B:We can talk about that on a whole nother conversation, probably, primarily, probably with someone who can actually really help guide this conversation along with someone which I would love.
Speaker B:When we start bringing guests on, there'll be somebody professional that can really help navigate this in a way that's more efficient than just us being silly and goofy.
Speaker B:But I can remember, like, the first time I tried either one of those two, and it was during the pandemic.
Speaker B:And during the pandemic, if people look back and look at the numbers, a lot of those.
Speaker B:Those people who struggled with addiction, it skyrocketed because we were in the house by ourselves.
Speaker B:During the pandemic itself, I've.
Speaker B:I've lost 52.
Speaker B:That's a huge number for one person.
Speaker B:52 people.
Speaker B:That's a.
Speaker B:That's a very.
Speaker A:You lost 52 people during COVID During COVID Like, people that you knew personally and had relationships with purposely.
Speaker B:People that are in my family, people that I've worked with, people that I went to school with, people that I knew of because of someone.
Speaker B:And each one of every time I.
Speaker B:And as a Libra, we know a lot of people.
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:But every person that I say that I know has touched me in a way, and those are the things that are really impactful.
Speaker B:So when I hear people talk about, like, the pandemic didn't mean nothingness, and I went like, shut up the up.
Speaker B:Because a lot of us went through a lot during that time, you know, and the last person was one of my frat brothers, and he was only 33, if that.
Speaker B:I think he just turned 33 or 32.
Speaker B:And, you know, it was.
Speaker B:And I also lost, like, an uncle and an aunt on my mother and my father's side on the exact same day in April.
Speaker B:So, like, it's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's been a lot during that time.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:And then before that was the year that I lost my grandmother, my cousin, his son, my dad, my dad, my father, the day after my birthday, all of this stuff in the month of October.
Speaker B:And so having no one to talk to and having to be the strong one, as you were just saying, and you were like, saying your brother was taking you out, because I understand that feeling, but I also understand now more so because of what else that I do professionally.
Speaker B:And I think I mentioned this before, but I.
Speaker B:It this has helped me cope positively with grief.
Speaker B:Is working in funeral business.
Speaker B:After my cousin Tamika passed away, shout out to her.
Speaker B:Her birthday is coming up within the next couple of weeks.
Speaker B:And from, from here today, July 17th to December 25th.
Speaker B:26th actually.
Speaker B:It's a really hard time for me.
Speaker B:And when I deal with the most depression, the most anxiety, the most I feel alone, the most possibility for me to have a relapse, the, the, the most time where I disappear and some people just wonder, am I relapsing or am I just like in a.
Speaker B:In the corner crying somewhere and working in the funeral business, being the Hearst driver.
Speaker B:At first I started out being a limo driver and then I was like, you know, limo driver, you're dating with the family.
Speaker B:That was a lot more than I wanted.
Speaker B:Started out as like a place where I can share the funny stories, but it just got more.
Speaker B:That's kind of why my TikTok moved away from that because it was really more triggering for me and I didn't want to do that anymore in that kind of way because I don't want to make fun of anybody else's grief.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Even though should be funny and we all be funny.
Speaker B:You can laugh at certain things.
Speaker B:I think I'm ranting right now.
Speaker A:Be funny.
Speaker A:No, no, you're fine.
Speaker B:And, but.
Speaker B:And then I wanted to actually go into funeral direction and I realized I can't do that because funeral directors, that becomes their life and I just, I can't, I can't.
Speaker A:You gotta, you gotta, you gotta live more than being.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Death.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And so like being the hearse driver and dealing with being the, the person who ushers the body to the, to the grave.
Speaker B:I have a conversation with every person I drive there and as they're in the casket and it's, you know, it's a one sided conversation.
Speaker B:Thank God, because if not.
Speaker A:I'm glad that you are who you are and that it makes me feel safe to be who I am.
Speaker A:Because a lot of times I feel incredibly insensitive when it applies to how I show up in the world and what it comes down to as far as just things that I think and the way that I express myself and my humor.
Speaker A:I just took a sticky note and I wrote notes and I was like, oh, I'm gonna wait until the podcast is not recording so that I can remind my to tell him the things that I wrote on this paper.
Speaker A:However, you just said funny shit and then you said something that made me think about something funny.
Speaker A:So now I feel more comfortable to say.
Speaker A:However, I just want to say that this is in no way to be insensitive towards anything that you said.
Speaker A:It's just certain words trigger certain thoughts.
Speaker A:You said frat brother.
Speaker A:So now I would like to say.
Speaker A:Hi, Chris.
Speaker A:You said.
Speaker A:You said Tamika.
Speaker A:And now I would like to say.
Speaker A:Next question.
Speaker A:Tamika, before you don't get what you need.
Speaker A:And then finally I wrote, I'm a terrible person.
Speaker A:Continue.
Speaker B:So that's also.
Speaker A:Humor has really helped, definitely my coping mechanism, for sure.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker B:That's what helps me the most.
Speaker B:That's why I was doing my tiktoks in the most humorous of ways.
Speaker B:But I realized that it was kind of a little bit more triggering for other people.
Speaker B:Someone.
Speaker B:I got a few dms, and I was like, you know what?
Speaker B:Out of respect, I can understand this, and let me just put a hold on how I do these story times.
Speaker B:They're not going to stop accountability.
Speaker A:Don't y' all love it?
Speaker B:You know, like, if somebody comes to you with respect versus, you know, whatever.
Speaker B:But I think watching people through their griefing process, knowing that we all the good, best kind of person to the worst living scum on this earth, we all grieve, and we all have the right to grieve our own personal families or our own personal relationships.
Speaker B:You know, some of these people do take other people's lives out, and you are the reason that we're grieving.
Speaker B:But at the same time, they have the right to grieve when they grieve, too.
Speaker B:And being in that kind of situation, like, really has helped.
Speaker B:It has helped me a lot.
Speaker B:But it has helped enough where I can't do this every day, you know, because it's draining.
Speaker B:So I can believe that.
Speaker B:All right, you ready for the next question?
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:How do you continue to honor and remember the person, the persons you've lost?
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:So firstly, I think in honoring, I think every time I.
Speaker A:Every chance I get, like, I think I'm, like, sharing stories, whether it's here, whether it's, you know, on live, whether it's in conversations with people, just about my mom and about, you know, our relationship and different things that I learned from her and all the ways that, you know, she took care of me when I was sick and just all the ways that, like, no matter what and no matter how long it took us to get to a place of closeness and no matter what the different things are as far as our dynamic and how they shifted and developed and grew over time, just about how I know that there was always such a.
Speaker B:Great deal of love.
Speaker A:One thing that I've had to overcome, if I'm being honest, is that for a really, really long time, a great deal of my life was trying to find ways to make my mother proud because I had felt like I was always such a disappointment.
Speaker A:So now, if anything, I think on the flip side of that, the way that I honor her is just by being myself.
Speaker A:You know, remembering all the things that she taught me, remembering all the ways that she loved me, but doing everything that I can to at least attempt to live a happy life and finding out what it is that's necessary to make me happy and working towards that.
Speaker A:Because I know if nothing else, that's all she ever wanted from me.
Speaker A:She wanted me to be happy, she wanted me to be healthy, she wanted me to be safe.
Speaker A:She wanted me to be taken care of.
Speaker A:And so in every way that I can, I'm actively working to do those things for myself, to honor her.
Speaker A:What about you?
Speaker B:I, I, I think every person is different.
Speaker B:Every person that we've lose is different.
Speaker B:How we honor each one is, is, I think is, is important in their own way.
Speaker B:Like, you know, one of my cousins and I don't agree with this, but this is what he does.
Speaker B:But this is how his grieving process, you know, he gets like wasted.
Speaker B:And I used to do that.
Speaker B:I used to get wasted on these days because this was their favorite drink.
Speaker B:So let me drink a drink.
Speaker B:Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.
Speaker B:I tried my best.
Speaker A:Now.
Speaker B:After understanding and realizing how short life is working in the funeral industry, let's start doing things that are not so destructive to ourselves, you know, and like I, I briefly mentioned before and like, I skirted past it, but I want y' all to, I want you guys out here to understand that this is the first time I've ever even talked about this publicly.
Speaker B:And so for the.
Speaker B:I've never told anybody about any kind of drug usage I've done other than weed.
Speaker B:And that's why, like I said before, I don't judge people because we all have experienced something, we've all been through something, and we just want to make sure that you're living in the best way that you possibly can.
Speaker B:And that's why I talk a lot about harm reduction.
Speaker B:I would rather provide a safe space for people rather than to them to do what they do out there and be unsafe and not understand how much you are putting your life as well as other life, people lives in danger.
Speaker B:But it's also.
Speaker B:I wanted to do peer advocacy work and all other stuff, but that was a lot, I will say.
Speaker B:Like my aunt, who was the last person who.
Speaker B:Well, not the last person.
Speaker B:Tamika was the last person, but she was the.
Speaker B:She was that.
Speaker B:The icing on the cake that pushed me over to suicidal ideation.
Speaker B:And she always used to say to me, you know, you are such a happy baby.
Speaker B:You are such a happy person.
Speaker B:Like, she's like, you know, you got your stuff, but, you know, you bring a smile to everybody that comes across you, and there's no one like you.
Speaker B:Obviously there are other people like me, but, you know, there's.
Speaker B:There's no one like me in the same time.
Speaker B:But it.
Speaker B:She was one of the last people in my family who would see me for me, no matter what I do or didn't do.
Speaker B:And she knew all the other things that I was doing, but she loved herself some shotgun, so.
Speaker B:Yeah, exactly.
Speaker B:So, you know, in remembrance, I'll play, you know, some things from her.
Speaker B:My cousin Tamika, you know, okay.
Speaker B:She smoked a lot of weed, so that's gonna be involved.
Speaker B:But I honor her, I think the most by the word that people chose to use for her, which changed how I viewed my life and changed a lot of things about what it is I want to do and how I want to be in this world.
Speaker B:And it was, like, impact and, like, who knew that she was like a type person where, you know, she's my cousin and I know what she is to me, but you don't know what people are to friends and other people, co workers and true, you know, And I want to honor her by and on all the others, by continuing to live in a way that is impactful, that is meaningful, that is.
Speaker B:That is helpful to not just others, but also to myself, you know, And I. I just, you know, in other ways, I just sit and I'll write.
Speaker B:I'll write us a few things.
Speaker B:I'll write in my journal or our voice record or whatever have you.
Speaker B:Or I'll sit in complete silence.
Speaker B:Like, I was just talking.
Speaker B:We asked me that question before, and I'm not sure if the episode appeared or not.
Speaker B:I don't think it has, like, about, like, music or silence.
Speaker B:And, like, silence has really been helpful and it never has been before.
Speaker B:Like, I always had to mute it with music or noise, but it's been so helpful.
Speaker B:So this is the longest answer in history, but.
Speaker A:Filibuster.
Speaker B:Filibuster.
Speaker B:Philip Phil, a buster.
Speaker B:Okay, that's.
Speaker B:That's tiny.
Speaker B:Tunes, y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Hello, New York.
Speaker B:Don't we love it?
Speaker B:All right, let me ask you a question.
Speaker B:What would.
Speaker B:What advice would you give someone who is in their early stages of grieving?
Speaker A:I'm not doing it.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:I'm not doing it.
Speaker B:Business.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:I'm not doing it.
Speaker B:Amen.
Speaker A:I had to tell somebody recently.
Speaker A:They came into the live, and we were talking, and I think people just kind of know that in that space, I talk a lot about him healing.
Speaker A:And they presented a scenario to me, and they were like, well, what do you think about this?
Speaker A:And I was like, sweetie, I'm not a therapist.
Speaker A:And I didn't say it to be rude.
Speaker A:I thought about it.
Speaker A:After I said it, I was like, maybe that came across as a little rude.
Speaker B:But I was like, oh.
Speaker A:I was like, sweetie, I'm not a therapist.
Speaker A:I was like, I'm not here to diagnose anything.
Speaker A:I said, I think you probably need to find somebody to talk to about that.
Speaker A:I think that everybody's experience is different.
Speaker A:I think everybody is unique as individuals.
Speaker A:I think we all, as people kind of have to find things in our own timing.
Speaker A:So something that, for me, maybe worked during my process of grief, something that, for me, I've maybe seen in other people's experiences, has worked.
Speaker A:It may not work for another person.
Speaker A:So I think for me, if anything, I would just allow a person to know, to, like, not allow anybody to tell them.
Speaker A:So maybe that is advice.
Speaker A:Don't let anybody tell you how to feel.
Speaker A:Don't let anybody put you on a timeline.
Speaker A:Don't allow anybody to.
Speaker A:To make you feel like you're wrong for experiencing the emotions that you are experiencing or dealing with things in the way that you're dealing with, because only you know what that person meant to you.
Speaker A:Only you know what it is that you're experiencing and feeling in this moment.
Speaker A:And nobody else can define that for you, and nobody else can shape for you how that experience is going to be for you and what the result or outcome of that's going to be.
Speaker A:So I guess I am giving advice in a way, but it's more so the idea of, like, hey, babe, don't listen to me, because what I did, how I got over what worked for me, that might not be your ministry.
Speaker A:You might have to find yourself some different tools.
Speaker A:So just do whatever feels right to you.
Speaker A:Take as much time as you need, Feel whatever feelings that you need to feel, because that is real, and nobody can take that away from you.
Speaker B:I love that answer.
Speaker B: I mean, I agree with that: Speaker B:Like, there's nothing specifically that I can tell you to do.
Speaker B:Just because it may have worked for me or work for someone else is going to say it's going to work for you.
Speaker B:Perhaps it's going to drive you further over the edge, you know?
Speaker B:So, like, I really appreciate you saying that.
Speaker B:One thing about time limits, like, no one can tell you when you need to, man, this.
Speaker B: has passed or passed away in: Speaker B:That was my first love.
Speaker B: And it still affects me in: Speaker B:You know, there are still certain songs that get me choked up.
Speaker B:There are still certain feelings that I. I go through.
Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My ex.
Speaker B:The.
Speaker B:The relationship that I was in a long time.
Speaker B:The other Chris that I was with for a long time, ladies and gentlemen, that is the first time I've said his name on this podcast, that I was in a relationship for a very long time.
Speaker B:Said this thing to me.
Speaker B:He's like, I.
Speaker B:You can't be in love with me if your heart is still in the.
Speaker B:In the ground.
Speaker B:And I thought that that was so cold.
Speaker B:So, you know, I can understand what you mean.
Speaker B:But my heart's gonna always be in the ground because he's in the ground, you know?
Speaker B:And so, like, I don't understand how.
Speaker B:What, am I supposed to never move on?
Speaker B:Am I supposed to never try to get into a relationship again?
Speaker B:Obviously, I'm gonna still have moments of sadness because that's life.
Speaker B:Especially if that person impacted you in ways that no one else has or regardless of anybody else has done the same thing, but they've just left an imprint, a stamp on your heart.
Speaker B:There is going to be an emotional attachment to that.
Speaker B:And who the are you?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker B:I said, fuck are you to tell.
Speaker A:Me how am I to feel?
Speaker B:You know, and that's the part about.
Speaker B:I think that when people give advice, it's bordering.
Speaker B:It's teetering a little bit of like, you know what?
Speaker B:Shut the fuck up.
Speaker B:I shouldn't have asked you.
Speaker A:So this goes back to my previous answer about how grieving for me teaches me about other people, and that's what it teaches me about life.
Speaker A:Because I'm gonna say this, and I'm gonna try not to crash out, but I do want to say, firstly, him for that, him for that.
Speaker A:He had no right to say that to you, even if that's how he felt, even if that's how he thought it.
Speaker A:Him for that.
Speaker A:So that's first.
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker A:I'm just saying him for that, because I Remember after my mom passed?
Speaker A:So two things, and it's so funny how it happened.
Speaker A:One, on the way to the memorial service.
Speaker A:Two, leaving the memorial service, two people, both people that I thought, oh, these are people that I care about.
Speaker A:They're cool.
Speaker A:Like, I'm not going to have any negative experiences.
Speaker A:My mom just died the first one I went when I left.
Speaker A:So I was living in Dallas at the time I left Dallas, and I was going to Memphis.
Speaker A:It only takes six hours to go to Memphis.
Speaker A:Well, I went around the world because I wasn't ready to just go be there and sit there and be in that space.
Speaker A:I needed time.
Speaker A:So I drove 10 hours to Nashville, and then on the way back from Nashville, I stopped in Starkville, and then I went back to Memphis.
Speaker A:So I went around the universe prior to going home to be there for my mother's memorial service.
Speaker A:And prior to going to Sackville, I stopped in Tupelo.
Speaker A:I spent the night in Tupelo, got a hotel, kicked it with this guy that I had been knowing for years.
Speaker A:And we were talking, and, you know, I'm having conversations with him about my mom, and I'm having conversations about the fact that, like, I'm a little nervous because both of my parents are now gone, and they both passed in their early 50s.
Speaker A:And I'm, like, at this time, 15 years away from 50.
Speaker A:Even closer now, 10 years away from 50.
Speaker A:And so I'm just having this conversation with him.
Speaker A:And this man had the nerve to say to me, do you always talk about death?
Speaker A:Like you talking.
Speaker A:You like.
Speaker A:Is this like you.
Speaker A:You talking about death a lot?
Speaker A:Do you always talk about death a lot?
Speaker A:And all I could do to keep myself from going to prison that night was to go completely silent.
Speaker A:I've never been so quiet in my life.
Speaker A:And he sat there awkwardly for about another 30 to 35 minutes before he said that he was about to go.
Speaker A:And I was like, yeah, you should do that.
Speaker A:And I have not talked to him since.
Speaker A:And then on the way back, somebody that I'm not close to anymore, but up until that point, we have been very, very close.
Speaker A:They had just finalized their divorce, and they called me while I was driving back to Dallas to say that they had just signed the papers and they were crying, and I was like, do you want me to turn around?
Speaker A:Are you okay?
Speaker A:And they were like, no, I'm fine.
Speaker A:Keep going.
Speaker A:He was like, I just really understand that what you're going through right now, because this feels like a death.
Speaker A:And I'm like, you really just Compared not being married to a person anymore that's still on this earth, that at some point, physically, if you wanted to, y' all still got some type of ties.
Speaker A:You can see him, you can talk to him, you can reach out and touch him if you want to.
Speaker A:You just said to me that you're not being married to that person makes you feel like you can relate to me losing my mama that gave birth to me, who I will never be able to get to see, touch, or speak to again.
Speaker A:So, yeah, back to my original statement.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, you've been blocked.
Speaker A:But back to my original statement, fuck him for that.
Speaker A:And I feel like I did that with so much more grace than I thought I would because I was ready to snap.
Speaker A:Because, like, people can be so incredibly rude and insensitive and not thoughtful just because it's like.
Speaker A:And don't get me wrong, I was always that person before losing my mom, that would feel bad because when people would lose somebody, I would never want to reach out because I never knew what to say.
Speaker A:I never had that experience.
Speaker A:So I can't sell you.
Speaker A:I understand what you're going through, or I'm here if you need me, or, you know, I'm praying for you.
Speaker A:Because I also understand that, like, even.
Speaker A:Especially now, after having gone through it a lot of times, you don't want to hear that shit.
Speaker A:You don't want to hear that shit.
Speaker A:So, like, I would feel bad, but for me, in my mind, looking back on it, I'm so grateful that I took.
Speaker A:Took time to not say anything instead of saying something up or saying the wrong thing, just the completely wrong thing.
Speaker A:Because people just can be really, really terrible.
Speaker B:I mean, I've.
Speaker B:No, I've said some terrible things to people as well.
Speaker B:You know, I. I've said some terrible things to him in reference to, you know, his feelings and his.
Speaker B:His mother passing doesn't make it right because it was tip for tap kind of stuff.
Speaker B:Stuff.
Speaker B:And I think that's where we all go through moments of like, we forget that.
Speaker B:That we are walking around living a human experience.
Speaker A:You just reminded me of another one.
Speaker A:My ex boyfriend with his stupid funky Sagittarius ass had the nerve to say to me.
Speaker A:Because, mind you, by the time that we had met and started dating, he had already lost his mother years prior.
Speaker A:Prior to my mom dying.
Speaker A:One of his cousins lost their mom, one of his best friends lost their mom.
Speaker A:And he had the nerve to say to me, I'm so glad that all y' all are losing y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:My Moms and that y' all can finally understand what it is that I've been going through.
Speaker A:And I'm like, did you just tell me that you're glad that my mom died?
Speaker A:Like, is that what you just said to me?
Speaker A:Like, so.
Speaker A:Yeah, just going back to that.
Speaker A:Like, people just don't.
Speaker A:They just.
Speaker A:A lot of people lack a certain level of connection.
Speaker A:A lot of people, like, there's something in their brain that creates a disconnect for them that just does not provide them with what it is that they need in order to be okay.
Speaker A:To be, like, decent human beings.
Speaker A:As it applies to, like, treating people with care when they need care.
Speaker A:So him for that?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:There's.
Speaker B:There's a.
Speaker B:There's a lot that I can say, but I'm not gonna.
Speaker B:I'm not gonna attack him at this present moment.
Speaker B:There's a lot you know, and there's a. I can say that.
Speaker B:You know how you got quiet for 30 minutes, and I need people to understand.
Speaker B:Listen, if you make a Libra mad enough and we're quiet, you just need to leave.
Speaker A:That's your best bet.
Speaker A:Exit the building if you know what's good.
Speaker B:Just go.
Speaker B:Just go.
Speaker A:Just go.
Speaker A:Just go.
Speaker A:Just go.
Speaker B:Because if we're quiet long enough, there's.
Speaker B:There is a problem.
Speaker B:But we'll get into that in the month of September and October.
Speaker B:But I just know that.
Speaker B:That now it's easier for me to deal with.
Speaker B:With losing.
Speaker B:Just losing people.
Speaker B:I can't.
Speaker B:I can't.
Speaker B:That's inaccurate.
Speaker B:Strike that from the record.
Speaker B:Objection, your honor, sustain.
Speaker B:I. I just know that it's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's not easier.
Speaker B:It's never going to be easy.
Speaker B:Let's just say that it's just never gonna be easy.
Speaker B:I don't care.
Speaker B:I wish that.
Speaker B:Let me ask you a question.
Speaker B:Let's just switch it up right quick.
Speaker B:How do you navigate during anniversaries, birthdays, holidays, things of that nature?
Speaker A:It shifted.
Speaker A:It shifted a lot.
Speaker A:Because I'll say, like, first two years, it was in the room, all the curtains closed under the COVID I'm not going to work.
Speaker A:I don't want to talk to anybody.
Speaker A:I don't want to.
Speaker A:I don't want to read text messages from anybody telling me that they're thinking about me today.
Speaker A:Like, I just want to have a moment to be by myself and just be sad and not have to worry about the rest of the world.
Speaker A:So I think starting out, that was definitely the place that I was coming from these past few years.
Speaker A:And I don't know.
Speaker A:I think so.
Speaker A:This is year five.
Speaker A:So I think getting here now, it's just.
Speaker A:It's different because, like, honestly, my brother got married on June 16th.
Speaker A:My mom passed away on the 17th, five years earlier.
Speaker A:And so it was one of those things as to where I knew it was coming because his wedding date was right there.
Speaker A:But even on the day, I didn't do anything significant in regard to the.
Speaker A:The occurrence.
Speaker A:And I think that occurrence sounds so fucking stupid to say, but it's just what it is.
Speaker A:And yeah, I remember, like, for years I would feel like I needed to go and post the Facebook status or I would need to say something somewhere publicly to, like, let people know that that was what was going on and that was what I was thinking and feeling and experiencing.
Speaker A:And then beyond that, I just kind of got to a place as to where I was like, you know, I don't necessarily need to do that.
Speaker A:I know every day that I love her.
Speaker A:I know every day that I miss her.
Speaker A:I know that every day that passes that, you know, she's not here and that there's nothing that can happen that will change that.
Speaker A:And I think I've gotten to a place where I finally at least accepted that I'm okay enough to move on knowing that she's in a better place.
Speaker A:I don't have to worry about her health anymore.
Speaker A:I'm not as concerned about, you know, all the regrets or all of the different things that I wish I could have said.
Speaker A:And I can go forward knowing that, yeah, there might be a moment where I experiencing something, and I wish I could talk to her and that'll really fuck me up.
Speaker A:But it's not to the point now, at least anymore, where I struggle with it in the same ways that I used to.
Speaker A:And that's not to say that that may not change as time goes on.
Speaker A:I'm sure.
Speaker A:I think that there are ebbs and flows as it applies to that.
Speaker A:It might swing back around and I might get to a point as to where, like, I'm back to feeling really up.
Speaker A:But lately I've been okay, what about you?
Speaker B:It differs from day to day.
Speaker B:It differs from person to person.
Speaker B:It differs from what I'm actually feeling in that moment.
Speaker B:Like, example, when I.
Speaker B:When I text you and I was like, you know, I was with my family and they said the most, like, like, greatest thing.
Speaker B:That's when they found out about, like.
Speaker B:And these are the extended family.
Speaker B:So this is my uncle's wife's family.
Speaker B:They are still cousins, apparently.
Speaker B:You know, marriage legally.
Speaker B:But, you know, they're just still finding out more about me that they didn't know.
Speaker B:They.
Speaker B:They said to me something on the lines of, like, how do I know I'm about to have an episode?
Speaker B:And I say, you know, I feel like my opaque.
Speaker B:My.
Speaker B:My opacity is changing.
Speaker B:Like, I could be sit.
Speaker B:Sitting here with all y', all, but I feel, like, halfway visible, halfway invisible, and, like, I feel, like, unseen.
Speaker B:And I'm like, what if I was to die right now?
Speaker B:How would.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:I literally wouldn't matter.
Speaker B:Y' all would still be having.
Speaker B:Living these lives.
Speaker B:And I'm probably one of those people, and I am one of those people.
Speaker B:I want you to live your life and enjoy and have fun.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:But still remember me.
Speaker B:Like, okay, talk about me.
Speaker B:Make, you know, bring me.
Speaker A:Do I ever cross your mind?
Speaker A:Anytime.
Speaker B:Do I.
Speaker B:Okay, so now I. I. I navigated through the.
Speaker B:I try not to look at photos and things like that on those days.
Speaker A:Meanwhile, I have a shrine in my room.
Speaker A:Not a.
Speaker A:Not a literal shrine, but, like, my mom's here.
Speaker A:She's here.
Speaker A:She's in a photo with our family over there.
Speaker A:So it's like, I literally can't get away from her.
Speaker A:And it's worse because this is where I sleep.
Speaker A:This is where I rest.
Speaker A:This is where I masturbate.
Speaker A:So it's like, literally every time I look up, she's right there.
Speaker A:I know I'm a terrible person.
Speaker A:You're not.
Speaker B:You're not.
Speaker B:Because my whole apartment, my cousin said to me one time, time, she said, okay, this is a shrine to everybody in the family.
Speaker B:And I'm like, I have a lot of family heirlooms.
Speaker B:I have a lot of things I will not get rid of.
Speaker B:Because my grandmother was my person.
Speaker B:So, like, she was my person, you know?
Speaker B:And, like, losing her was the beginning of the decline of me.
Speaker B:And so, like, during anniversaries, especially when it comes to her, I'll put on some Aretha.
Speaker B:And it's just.
Speaker B:It's every song except for one song.
Speaker B:If I Needed a Good Cry.
Speaker A:What's the one song?
Speaker A:Except for that song?
Speaker B:The one song.
Speaker B:The one song.
Speaker A:You say every song.
Speaker A:No, you said every song except for one song.
Speaker A:What's the one exception?
Speaker B:The one song that I won't play.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Bridge Over Trouble, Water, baby.
Speaker A:Because that's gonna take you immediately.
Speaker B:That will immediately.
Speaker A:You know what's funny?
Speaker B:She don't even have to start saying words yet in that song.
Speaker A:Let me tell you how certain things don't necessarily have to apply what you are dealing with, but, like, they will you up no matter what.
Speaker A:I remember it was my brother's birthday.
Speaker A: My mom died in June of: Speaker A:My brother turned.
Speaker A:The math is not good at math right now, so we're gonna keep it moving.
Speaker A:He'll be 37 this year, so that year he turned 32.
Speaker A:It was on his birthday.
Speaker A:His birthday was on a Friday.
Speaker A:I'm like, oh, new music came out.
Speaker A:Let's see what's out.
Speaker A:I have friends over.
Speaker A:We're chilling.
Speaker A:We're.
Speaker A:I don't know if we were drinking, maybe drinking, smoking, who knows?
Speaker A:There were some things going on.
Speaker A:And we're all chilling and laughing and having a good time.
Speaker A:I go to pull it up.
Speaker A:Oh, Jasmine Sullivan came out with a new song.
Speaker A:Let's hear that, sweetie.
Speaker A:I put on Jasmine Sullivan's new single, Lost one.
Speaker B:Lost Ones.
Speaker B:Absolutely not.
Speaker B:Delete it.
Speaker A:And she started singing, and it wasn't even the idea that.
Speaker A:Because I know what the song is about, and I know what she was applying it to, but she said, don't have too much fun without me.
Speaker A:And I was balled up in the corner.
Speaker A:They like, girl, are you okay?
Speaker A:Like, I'm sorry.
Speaker A:I don't know why, but this song is making me think about my bop.
Speaker A:And, like, for the longest time, it's still a struggle.
Speaker A:For the longest time, I could not listen to that song because it literally makes me tremble.
Speaker A:Like, just the idea of it.
Speaker A:Just that idea of, like, I don't know.
Speaker A:It was like, jasmine, you, like, how.
Speaker B:Could you do this to me?
Speaker B:Like, I was up, you know, as.
Speaker B:As much as I love music and.
Speaker B:And I will say this.
Speaker B:This music has helped me, in a way, heal better than speaking to people have, you know?
Speaker B:And there.
Speaker B:There are a few songs.
Speaker B:Like, there's an episode that I would love for us to do, and I want you to start thinking about this now before we do this.
Speaker B:And it'll be like the soundtrack of our life kind of episode where we really pull out music.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:I got you.
Speaker B:Boom.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:And so, like, there are two songs in particular, especially while we're doing this episode today.
Speaker B:I want to bring this up.
Speaker B:Pinks.
Speaker B:Who knew?
Speaker B:Oh, okay.
Speaker A:Balloons.
Speaker A:No, y'.
Speaker A:All racist.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker B:He can't get the balloons, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:Why would you say you're racist?
Speaker B:Because you're darker than I am.
Speaker B:We're about to say complexion.
Speaker B:No, you are darker than I am.
Speaker B:You are trying so hard.
Speaker A:Are you on the app as opposed to the browser?
Speaker B:No, I'm in the browser.
Speaker B:This is Riverside.
Speaker B:So I don't know.
Speaker B:I could.
Speaker B:If I put.
Speaker B:If it gives me the way he is trying to get these.
Speaker A:Strongly rated email coming your way, Riverside.
Speaker B:Be ready.
Speaker B:You're an idiot.
Speaker B:Stop it.
Speaker A:But do like this.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:This is discrimination.
Speaker A:I apologize.
Speaker A:Continue.
Speaker A:About the Pink song.
Speaker A:No thumbs up, up.
Speaker A:It's because, like, you're on the Apple product and so it's giving you all the like, little things that you would if you were on the phone.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So why.
Speaker A:Okay, I'm sorry.
Speaker A:The Pink song.
Speaker A:Go ahead.
Speaker B:So there's the, the, the Pink song.
Speaker B:Who knew?
Speaker B:Which.
Speaker B:If I was to ever meet Pink, I would have to let her know this because there's a title, there's a, there's a lyric in there that says in three years.
Speaker B:Who.
Speaker B:If, if in.
Speaker B:Wait if three years, someone would have told me you'd no longer be here.
Speaker B:I'd stand up and punch them in their mouth.
Speaker B:We were together for three years and that's when he passed away.
Speaker B:That song is a, that song hits me hard each time.
Speaker B:Doesn't hit me hard as much now, but the song that really, really does in pertaining to Clarence is a Mel Laruel, Make Me Whole.
Speaker B:Because that's actually the last song that I've actually physically sang for a person.
Speaker B:I sang that for him in a hospital.
Speaker B:So I, I, I listen to music to get me through a lot of these problems, a lot of these emotions.
Speaker B:But I also watch cartoons, I also played these video games, and it's been helpful.
Speaker B:And I've also step away from people who are triggering and they don't even realize that you're, you're triggering the out of me.
Speaker B:And I'm gonna say something that I can't take back that probably in this moment doesn't apply, but I'm feeling away and, and I need to step away from this before it turns into something much big.
Speaker B:Bigger than what it is.
Speaker A:There's a song and I never want you to listen to it.
Speaker A:So that's not why I'm telling you about it.
Speaker A:But it's called First Thing to Go.
Speaker A:It's by Haley Williams.
Speaker A:And it's off of her, like, second project she did.
Speaker A:She, Haley Williams, she's the lead singer of Paramore.
Speaker A:And, and she came out with an album, and then I think she came out with.
Speaker A:I don't even know if the second one was supposed to be considered an album, but it's just like studio session recordings.
Speaker A:And the first one to listen to.
Speaker B:It, knowing the first thing I'm going.
Speaker A:To do, the song is called First Thing to Go.
Speaker A:And the first line of the song is first thing to go was the sound of his voice.
Speaker A:And yeah, for the longest time.
Speaker A:And it fucked with me so bad.
Speaker A:I would cry and cry and cry.
Speaker A:For the longest time, I could not remember what my mama voice sounded like.
Speaker A:For the longest time.
Speaker A:I've heard it my whole life.
Speaker A:I'm like, I've been here for three plus now four plus decades.
Speaker A:I could not hear it in my head.
Speaker A:And it fucked me up because it was like trying to force yourself to remember something that you know so well and just not being able to do it.
Speaker A:And then I would.
Speaker A:Would search through her Facebook because she had like, she, her phone.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker A:They had cut her phone off so that there was no voicemail to call.
Speaker A:Like, I never foolishly, I never kept any voicemails from her.
Speaker A:Like, I'm like, I don't have any record of my mom's voice.
Speaker A:And then one night I was up kind of like being really bad to myself emotionally and scrolling through her Facebook and all the people that had like, posted on her wall selling how much they missed her and all this stuff like that.
Speaker A:And I just so happened to go through all her posts and there's one video on her page where you can hear her talking in the background as my aunt is walking out, as everybody surprised her for like, I think like her 61st birthday.
Speaker A:And it was like such a healing experience because I couldn't believe that I could not remember what she sounded like for so long.
Speaker A:It was me up it, me up bad.
Speaker A:And that song, when I heard it, I was like, it was literally like somebody to write a song and sing words about something that I am literally experiencing in a way that I've never heard anybody else do before.
Speaker A:Like, I was like, this is.
Speaker A:There wasn't a word to apply to it.
Speaker A:It was, it was insane.
Speaker B:I, I, yeah, I.
Speaker B:Every now and again, I'll get glimpses of what everybody sounds like him the most.
Speaker B:His, the.
Speaker B:He's the first person that really meant something to me.
Speaker B:Me, you know, over 20 years ago.
Speaker B:And it wasn't until, like, he's on the, he's on a CD that he made and it's actually in my stackable CDs.
Speaker A:What's a stackable CD?
Speaker A:Oh, like the little spindles.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Right, okay.
Speaker B:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:And so, so, like, I may play it on my Xbox.
Speaker B:That's the only way I could, you know, play it.
Speaker B:But it was like one Day I was in a really, really horrible mood, and he set up the video camera and he just talked to me.
Speaker B:Then all of a sudden, he put tweets, Boogie tonight or whatever that name of the song.
Speaker B:We're gonna boogie.
Speaker B:You know, what's wrong?
Speaker A:Boogie on Down.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:And he's.
Speaker B:That's not how it goes.
Speaker A:But no, what song are you talking about?
Speaker A:Wait, what song?
Speaker A:I'm thinking about something different.
Speaker B:Then the song that's right before.
Speaker B:Oops.
Speaker B:Oh, my.
Speaker A:Are you tweets album?
Speaker A:Oh, Boogie tonight.
Speaker A:I know what you're talking about.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:It took us a second, but we're there.
Speaker B:We got it.
Speaker B:And, like, then it turned into, like, him dancing and stripping.
Speaker B:I appreciate stuff like that, that holding on to those kind of memories.
Speaker B:Let me ask you one question, and I think this is a good question to ask you.
Speaker B:How do you feel about social media and memorials or memorial pages or people still running other people's social media when they're no longer here?
Speaker B:Like, how does.
Speaker B:How do you feel about that?
Speaker A:Do what you need to do to cope.
Speaker A:I have a friend that I was friends with for many years, and I had to remove him as my friend on Facebook because his mom was still posting on his page.
Speaker A:From his page.
Speaker A:Like, she'd post pictures of him and her post memories, like, post statuses.
Speaker A:And it would just be super awkward to see him pop up on my timeline knowing that he's dead, so it can't be him posting.
Speaker A:And again, like, I can't take away from her what she needs in order to be able to grieve, because that was her one and only son and he was gone very early.
Speaker A:What a lot of people would consider much too soon.
Speaker A:So I definitely would never want to be a person to police how she processes her grief or what she does to cope or what's necessary for her to be okay.
Speaker A:I find it cringy, but that's just me.
Speaker B:Well, what about, like, I agree.
Speaker B:I, you know, there when I think of, like, who my gay father was, Daryl, and I go back into his, like, Facebook, and there's nobody who's in charge of his account.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:So it's just still up and running and people are still commenting and things like that and posting, which is some.
Speaker B:Sometimes I love, because you still can go back and see it, you know, that's why at this point in time, I'm literally gonna go through my social media everything and, like, really everything.
Speaker A:Let's go.
Speaker B:Not everything must go, but some things, you know, some things don't need to live forever where I have no control over.
Speaker B:God forbid something happens to me.
Speaker B:And I always think.
Speaker B:And now I.
Speaker B:A lot of my friends notice and think, say this about me now.
Speaker B:Like, and you've never said it, but I'm sure you feel it at some point.
Speaker B:It's like, I be.
Speaker B:But, you know, you just literally said, someone said that to you.
Speaker B:You was, like, about to, like, stab them in the heart.
Speaker B:But, like, I know that some of my conversations have been really morbid.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know, I do talk about death a lot, too, and.
Speaker A:But that's okay.
Speaker A:It's been a part of your experience, and it's a part of your journey to be able to have those conversations.
Speaker A:If nothing else, that might be helping as far as, like, what healing and what that looks like for you.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker A:Because nobody can tell you how to define that or what that.
Speaker A:What that's supposed to look like or what is too much or too little in regards to anything like that.
Speaker A:Like, that's your own personal journey and your experience.
Speaker A:And I feel like people that are actually for you, they'll respect that and allow you the space to do that in the way that you need to.
Speaker B:I'll say this, too.
Speaker B:Let me ask you a question, and this will be your last question.
Speaker B:All right?
Speaker B:And shout out to all of you who are still sticking around, this is a.
Speaker B:This is a longer episode, obviously, but there's a lot more to cover than our typical episodes.
Speaker B:Or maybe also because I'm just emotionally going through it and you guys are helping as well as King is helping, you know, and I appreciate this in.
Speaker B:In a way that you guys don't even understand, which is why podcasting means so much to me.
Speaker B:Me knowing what you know now about life.
Speaker B:Are there any.
Speaker B:Are there.
Speaker B:And this isn't even a question on my list.
Speaker B:Knowing what you know now about life and death, are there.
Speaker B:Is there anything going forward that you're willing to do differently?
Speaker A:I always say, and it's so funny because this reminds me of the question that Malcolm asked me during the podcast recording that we did.
Speaker A:I think that what I've learned over time, just throughout my experiences, and it's not necessarily specifically strictly due to grief, but I think grief is definitely a major part of it.
Speaker A:I think that I have learned for myself over time to be kinder to people.
Speaker A:I think it's so important to know, like you said, we don't know how much time we have.
Speaker A:A lot of times before you know it, you look up and it looks like it's Disappeared from you.
Speaker A:Just living life and having life experiences.
Speaker A:It's like before you know it, it's gone.
Speaker A:And you've done everything that you can do and now it's time to move on.
Speaker A:I think for me, I've kind of learned for myself to just be kinder to people, and not even necessarily because it benefits them, but because it benef.
Speaker A:I feel.
Speaker A:I feel better knowing that I can offer someone kindness, that I can show up from a place of kindness, that I can be softer and more gentle.
Speaker A:It makes me feel like things are more easeful.
Speaker A:And honestly, it makes it feel like sometimes that time has gone by a little slower.
Speaker A:I think a lot of times when I'm frantic or like you mentioned earlier, manic, or when I'm frustrated and upset and angry and dealing with all these negative thoughts and feelings, it makes it seem like things are rushing by because I'm so just overwhelmed and everything feels like it's flashing.
Speaker A:Whereas when I'm coming from spaces of kindness and coming from spaces of ease and flow and comfort, I don't know, it's just like, okay, this is a little bit more relaxing.
Speaker A:I'm taking a little bit more time and things are a little bit more gentle for me right now.
Speaker A:And I can appreciate the value in that so greatly.
Speaker A:What about you?
Speaker B:Use my entire answer.
Speaker B:Oh, copy paste.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:I love that.
Speaker A:That makes me happy.
Speaker B:No, for real, like, I. I've.
Speaker B:You literally never know.
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:Like just how you were saying that that one lyric from Lost Ones took you to a different place.
Speaker A:Child, you.
Speaker B:That's why I don't think people really realize and people understand that sometimes people's reaction has nothing to do with you, but everything to do with what's going on with them on the inside.
Speaker A:Inside.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:And I know my mouth, okay.
Speaker B:And I know that the things that I can say, especially while intoxicated or under an influence, can tell you a lot about what's going on with me.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:That I'm taking out on you.
Speaker B:And there's.
Speaker B:There's no need for that because the truth.
Speaker B:Truth of the matter is, and I tell this other.
Speaker B:All the times people, whatever you tell me about how you feel about something, that is not for me to hold that.
Speaker B:And so it's not for me to hold and it's also for.
Speaker B:Not for me to give you.
Speaker B:Do you understand what I'm saying?
Speaker A:Expound?
Speaker B:So, like, if you tell me, you know, you said A, B and C and it made me feel A, B and C, X, Y and Z, just Now, whatever.
Speaker B:But that's not, you know, that's.
Speaker B:I'm probably using it in the wrong tense, but it's.
Speaker B:It's not.
Speaker B:It's not my responsibility to un.
Speaker B:To control your emotions.
Speaker A:Okay, I got you.
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:That's not for me to hold.
Speaker B:That's for you to learn, you know, so it's not for me to hold to understand everything that you got going on because I'm not living out walking in your shoes.
Speaker B:I don't know anything that's to going.
Speaker B:Going on with you if you haven't said it to me.
Speaker A:And I can't validate it for you.
Speaker B:Or invalidate it right.
Speaker B:So just be kinder to people.
Speaker B:Not nicer, but kinder for sure.
Speaker B:Because I'm not a nice person.
Speaker B:I'm a kind person.
Speaker A:Touche all the way around.
Speaker A:And people think I'm nice.
Speaker A:And that's what I find to be so incredibly funny.
Speaker A:I'd be like child, I'm a dick.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:I tell people all the time my uncle is the.
Speaker B:He seems the me like a mean Libra, but he's really, really sweet.
Speaker B:Baby, I am really sweet and kind, but I am a dick.
Speaker B:On that note, you've been blessed.
Speaker B:Locked.
Speaker B:If.
Speaker B:If you happen to come full circle.
Speaker A:Moment, it came back around.
Speaker A:Did you see it?
Speaker A:Did you hear that?
Speaker B:Well, y', all, thank y' all for taking time to listen to another episode.
Speaker A:Absolutely.
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:Any message I want to give to the people.
Speaker A:Yeah, so this is.
Speaker A:I feel like this is always going to be my message for people in some way, shape, form or fashion.
Speaker A:Make sure that you're taking care of yourself.
Speaker A:It's so important.
Speaker A:And I think a lot of times we forget because we're so used to being obligated to so many other people, places and things that we forget how necessary it is to make sure that we're good.
Speaker A:Like when it comes to work, when it comes to family, when it comes to any other obligation that you may have.
Speaker A:While you want to show up and you want to perform to the best of your ability and you want to make sure that you're upholding all of your commitments and responsibilities.
Speaker A:You have to make sure first that you are instilling as much as you can into yourself.
Speaker A:Your self care.
Speaker A:Make sure that you're hydrating, make sure that you're resting.
Speaker A:Make sure that you're doing everything to keep your mind at peace and to keep your body strong so that you can have the strength and resolve to do everything that's necessary to do.
Speaker A:Because if you don't take care of yourself and if you're not in the position to be the best version of yourself, essentially, as much as you try and as much effort as you're putting forth in order to be there for anybody else, you're going to eventually fall short it.
Speaker A:And eventually, just like a car, if you don't put forth the proper maintenance into taking care of your mind, your body, your spirit, whatever it is, it's gonna break down.
Speaker A:So, yeah, I think that would be my message for the people.
Speaker A:Come on, y'.
Speaker A:All, let's take care of ourselves.
Speaker A:It's so important.
Speaker A:We.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:This entire conversation has been talking about death, however, and not necessarily death.
Speaker A:We talked about grief in general, but death came up a lot in the conversation.
Speaker A:However, while we still have life, life, let's make sure that we're nurturing it.
Speaker A:Let's make sure that we're doing our best to protect it.
Speaker A:Let's make sure that we're doing everything that we can to make it be the best that it possibly can be.
Speaker B:Because if you want to be somebody and you want to go somewhere, okay, you better wake up and pay attention.
Speaker A:You better wake up and pay attention.
Speaker B:Because I understand there's some people who did not.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker B:So on that note.
Speaker A:If you would like to find us on social media, you can do so on Instagram @wawita.w a w E T A.
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:Acronym podcast.
Speaker A:So that is wawita Podcast.
Speaker A:If you want to send us an email, questions, comments, concerns, you can.
Speaker A:Can do so at wawita.
Speaker A:Cast Gmail Com.
Speaker A:That is W A W E T a dot cast Gmail dot com.
