From Chaos to Calm: A Mental Health Check-In
A thorough examination of our mental health is both timely and necessary, particularly in light of the tumultuous experiences we have collectively endured over the past year. King Christopher and Sir PJ engage in a candid discourse, reflecting on their recent challenges, emotional fluctuations, and the importance of vulnerability among friends. This episode serves as an invitation for listeners to undertake their own mental health check-ins, encouraging them to reach out to friends and confront their own emotional landscapes. We delve into the complexities of our feelings, discussing the significance of social connection and the need for authenticity in our interactions. Ultimately, we aspire to foster a community characterized by openness and support, prompting all to prioritize their mental well-being.
In this episode, King Christopher & Sir PJ have had quite a day, week, month... actually its been a year! So we decided to do a mental health checkin.
When was the last time you did a mental health checkin with your friends? Been a while, thats ok. No time like the present to change that
Takeaways:
- The importance of conducting mental health check-ins with friends cannot be overstated, as it fosters deeper connections and understanding.
- Recognizing and acknowledging one's feelings is crucial, especially during periods of emotional turmoil or discontent.
- Engaging in activities that bring joy and fulfillment is essential for mental well-being and can alleviate feelings of loneliness.
- Creating a supportive environment where vulnerability is welcomed can significantly enhance the quality of friendships and personal growth.
Transcript
He's a villain.
Speaker A:He is a villain.
Speaker B:I'm sorry.
Speaker A:We can have this debate.
Speaker B:No, actually, we can't.
Speaker A:I don't want you to no longer be my friend because of my views on Batman.
Speaker B:Well, no.
Speaker B:Every.
Speaker B:So it's not just you, though.
Speaker B:Like, it's, like, everybody.
Speaker B:And for me, it's just, like, I think it's something sacred that I created at a young age.
Speaker B:Not for any particular reason, not for her.
Speaker B:Anything that's so super sentimental or, like, any, like, trauma response is just how I feel.
Speaker B:And so I kind of shut everybody else's opinions out because it's like, you know, you're entitled to your opinion.
Speaker B:However, mine is mine.
Speaker B:Like, I hate the whole he's not a superhero because he doesn't have powers conversation like that.
Speaker B:Like, you know what?
Speaker B:Let's just go outside.
Speaker B:We don't have to keep talking about it.
Speaker B:Like, let's just go outside.
Speaker A:That is aggressive.
Speaker A:That is aggressive.
Speaker B:Because of what?
Speaker B:His wealth?
Speaker B:His resources?
Speaker B:They make him super, damn it.
Speaker B:He's fighting not just for Gotham, but for the world.
Speaker A:Listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.
Speaker A:This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about bullshit and don't make any sense.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:This is a real conversation for real adults.
Speaker B:What's Waita?
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:Listen to it now, because you want to know what we're talking about.
Speaker A:What's up, King?
Speaker B:What's up, sir?
Speaker A:And what's up to all you out there?
Speaker A:Welcome to the what Are We Even.
Speaker B:Talking About Podcast, where every other episode, we take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.
Speaker A:So the conversation is authentic, unrehearsed, and.
Speaker B:Most importantly, a safe space for friends to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:So do us a favor.
Speaker A:Go ahead and grab your favorite cocktails or mocktails if you don't drink and come find out.
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:It's your boy, pj, AKA sir pj.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:There's no other akas.
Speaker A:That's just who I am today.
Speaker A:Just me.
Speaker A:Just me.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:And apparently, somebody's trying to get in.
Speaker B:My building, and it is Christopher, also known as King Christopher.
Speaker B:You can call me King.
Speaker B:You can call me whatever you want to.
Speaker B:It's all about what I respond to that's important.
Speaker B:How are you?
Speaker A:I'm doing good.
Speaker A:I'm doing much better.
Speaker A:I've had some time to think, some time to relax and time to breathe, some time to eat, you know, and I'm doing Much better than I have been.
Speaker A:How was your week?
Speaker B:I want to get to the point as to where I can feel that I am authentically showing up in spaces where I don't especially like something like this.
Speaker B:And I'm sorry, because I'm going to answer your question, but I just want to like preface it this way.
Speaker B:I want to get to a point as to where I can feel like I'm like showing up and being authentic in a way.
Speaker B:As to where I'm like having to not be performative and I can genuinely say, like, things are good.
Speaker B:Because as I think about it, every other week, if not every week, I'm literally talking about how everything's like a raging nightmare, bitch.
Speaker B:And it's like, life is not that fucking bad, yo.
Speaker B:Like it's not.
Speaker B:I think I just am kind of experiencing certain things that I don't want to experience.
Speaker B:And so I'm responding to that.
Speaker B:However, I will say that overall I'm doing well.
Speaker B:I'm blessed, I'm safe, I'm comfortable just trying to shake through some negativity that I'm probably creating for myself.
Speaker B:It's mental health, y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker A:This week has been, you know, it's been, it's been a little challenging, it's been a little emotional.
Speaker A:And I too am going to try my best to not let all of those things get me down because I know I have a tendency to.
Speaker A:And maybe this is the libra in me where like once my scale is off balance, my whole life is off balance and everything is irritated.
Speaker A:I'm irritated over every itty bitty little thing.
Speaker A:Like it's one degree hotter than what they said it was going to be.
Speaker A:Like I'm mad, you know, so like.
Speaker B:This ain't no motherfucking 75, you know?
Speaker A:So it's like me trying to figure out how do I keep my balance and keep myself level headed enough where I'm a joy to be around.
Speaker A:And then when I know that I'm not, I can still stay to myself because I don't want to not be a joy to other people.
Speaker A:So yeah, I get that.
Speaker A:You know, I get that.
Speaker B:For me, I think it's that.
Speaker B:But it's also learning to create things of joy.
Speaker B:Learning that it's okay to enjoy things the way that they are right now, despite the fact that they may not be the way that I want them to be.
Speaker B:Because if not, does that mean that I'm just going to be like unhappy until things are exactly the way that I want them to be?
Speaker B:Because what if they never are?
Speaker B:So that's something that I'm actively working on.
Speaker B:Of course, my therapist and I have had very in depth conversations about that on various occasions.
Speaker B:But yeah, it's something that I'm working on.
Speaker B:I think lately I've just been something that we talk about kind of.
Speaker B:I don't know if we touched on it here or not, but I know that we talk about it privately a lot.
Speaker B:Lately I think I've just been lonely, lonely, bored.
Speaker B:Feeling unfulfilled.
Speaker A:Yeah, it's weird because, you know, it's one thing to be alone, and then it's another thing to be lonely.
Speaker A:Like, there, there.
Speaker A:Hey, Beyonce.
Speaker A:Remember that song that's.
Speaker A:That was called Scared of Lonely, you know, and so like, I've really.
Speaker B:That's one of my favorite.
Speaker B:Beyonce.
Speaker A:It is literally one of my favorites too.
Speaker A:You know, I'm scared of lonely because for me, when I'm the lonelier I am, the more miserable I become.
Speaker A:But when I'm alone, all the.
Speaker A:All of the thoughts that are running through my head keep me occupied.
Speaker A:And it's just still crazy how I still tend to like move in silence and live in silence as opposed to like how I used to, which was like always have music playing in one room or something, some.
Speaker A:Some noise to dim it.
Speaker A:Now I'm just like listening to what's.
Speaker A:Whatever's going on.
Speaker A:But, you know, I do feel that way sometimes.
Speaker A:And that's why I think the video games, like, help, but can't be playing video games all day, you know?
Speaker B:No, I get it, I get it.
Speaker B:And for me, it's more so the idea of like, I'm lonely, but I'm not choosing to do anything about it.
Speaker B:So it's kind of like, hey, we are where we are.
Speaker B:Like, yeah, I want company.
Speaker B:I want, you know, not even this.
Speaker B:Let's whatever.
Speaker B:We won't go that deep.
Speaker B:But I want company.
Speaker B:I want companionship.
Speaker B:I like to be around others, but I'm not actively making any choices to make that happen.
Speaker B:So it's kind of like, yeah, we are.
Speaker A:Where we are not actively looking.
Speaker A:It's like going.
Speaker A:It's like being on the app.
Speaker A:It's like it's like opening up Jacked or Grindr or whatever other app you choose to use.
Speaker A:And then you're just people like, hey, what are you doing?
Speaker A:I'm like, I'm really just checking messages.
Speaker A:Even though I don't even have those apps on my phone anymore.
Speaker A:I think I still have profiles, but.
Speaker A:Yeah, nah.
Speaker B:But anyway, my New good girlfriend is Facebook dating.
Speaker B:It's very casual.
Speaker B:I don't feel any pressure to do anything about it because honestly the only time I see it is when I go into Facebook.
Speaker B:So I'll go in and see that I have notifications, go check the messages, respond.
Speaker B:It's kind of very like light hearted, low maintenance.
Speaker B:I'm sure that there are people who are there that are like.
Speaker B:Because I've had people like who hey, we should exchange numbers.
Speaker B:And I'm like, hey, probably not.
Speaker B:It's a little too soon.
Speaker B:This is very like evasive.
Speaker B:Like if you really wanted to find me, you could probably go and look me up.
Speaker B:Based on the mutual friends it says that we have, it's a whole to do.
Speaker A:Wait, quick question.
Speaker A:Before we really get started, I'm curious.
Speaker A:I think you said this before, but in a different setting.
Speaker A:Like a not worded this way, but when it comes to like dating or meeting people, would you prefer to do it online or do you prefer to go outside and meet people?
Speaker B:At this point in my life, I don't know that there is a way for me to authentically meet people outside because I'm so limited to certain situ circumstances.
Speaker B:Like I'm not.
Speaker B:There's never a time like in my work, there's like I don't go to work for annual meeting, I don't go to the office for like a quarterly check in.
Speaker B:Like as of now, my, my job is full, fully remote.
Speaker B:So like any type of co worker interaction is specifically on teams, meetings, you know, check ins, whatever.
Speaker B:So I don't have a workplace.
Speaker B:I'm not currently an active member of any particular church.
Speaker B:I think in a lot of time, in a lot of settings, people meet people in church, you know, that's a thing.
Speaker B:Outside of that, I also am not a member of a gym.
Speaker B:I don't really, you know, I think we've become conditioned to do so many things online.
Speaker B:Like I order groceries online.
Speaker B:So it's like in all of the things that I actively do that require that I not leave the house, when I do leave the house, it's for a very specific and intentional purpose.
Speaker B:And nine times out of 10, like I'm with somebody, like we're going to the movies or we're going out to eat or we're going to do something specific.
Speaker B:So unless a motherfucker get bold with it, it's not likely that I'm gonna meet anybody.
Speaker B:And 9.975 times out of 10, a motherfucker not gonna get bored with it.
Speaker B:So I Definitely think I would prefer just saying, like, it is what it is.
Speaker B:I think I would definitely prefer to meet people in spaces where somebody might say, hey, you know, you look nice.
Speaker B:Are you new in town?
Speaker B:You know, can I take you out?
Speaker B:Like, that would be awesome.
Speaker B:I just don't think it's realistic for where I live or with my current circumstances.
Speaker A:Okay, understood.
Speaker A:Understood.
Speaker A:Complete opposite.
Speaker B:This online shit.
Speaker B:This online shit, I said no, because this online shit, I mean, for real.
Speaker A:Like, so, like, for me, it's.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:I am such an outgoing person.
Speaker A:So, like, when I'm outside, I'm outside.
Speaker A:Like, I speak to just about anybody.
Speaker A:Anybody who, like, looks at me.
Speaker A:I like knowledge, you, and like, hey, good morning, good afternoon.
Speaker A:Like, if I ask you, how are you?
Speaker A:I actually genuinely care, you know, so when.
Speaker A:If I, you know, I don't want to complain.
Speaker A:Nobody's listening to me.
Speaker A:I'm listening.
Speaker A:Are you okay?
Speaker A:You know, like.
Speaker A:But, like, when it comes to, like, meeting people to, like, date, I don't really put myself in those situations, but I do.
Speaker A:And this is not ego attached, but I can and have gone out every single time I go out unintentionally to meet someone.
Speaker A:I meet someone, do I follow through with it?
Speaker A:It's probably me.
Speaker A:It is me.
Speaker A:I'm the problem.
Speaker A:It's okay, you know.
Speaker B:You know, you got to be able to be aware of that.
Speaker B:That's important.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Acknowledgement is the key.
Speaker B:But no, I think, honestly, though, if I could be honest, what I love to see.
Speaker B:And it's so funny because you, for me, based on, like, examples that I have of it, it's mostly in television and movies, but I would love people who, like, have other single friends, and they're like, hey, you know, I know somebody that I think would be great for you.
Speaker B:I would fuck, totally fuck with her in the blind date situation.
Speaker B:It's just, like, also geographically for me, that's not my circumstance, but I would love it.
Speaker B:Like, when I was in Houston, I would have loved that.
Speaker B:Like, oh, I know a really nice guy.
Speaker B:And who knows, we might meet and it just be, hey, you seem like a cool person, but you're really not my type.
Speaker B:Maybe we can be friends.
Speaker B:And now I've made a friend, somebody to hang out with and, you know, have experiences with, and who knows, maybe we can go.
Speaker B:I want to be very selective and very intentional when I say the word cruise for guys together, because I'm not talking about cruising in the park, but, you know, we can be each other's wingmen.
Speaker B:When we're out and, you know, doing all the different things as far as the dating scene is concerned.
Speaker B:But, yeah, just doesn't happen.
Speaker A:You know, what bothers me about that is just that, you know, like, there are.
Speaker A:There are so many different levels and facets of me that not everybody knows everything.
Speaker A:But if we're dating or we're getting to know each other, you know, you're gonna know a little bit more than the average person.
Speaker A:And if you're a friend of someone and I confide into you something that I would only tell you to that, you know, since the beginning, you're gonna get to know you.
Speaker A:And this is, like, you should know this about me because this is part of who I am, part of part of my past, part of my present or whatever have you.
Speaker A:And I'm always fearful that they're gonna go run and tell that.
Speaker A:And whenever that happens, I just don't want to feel like I gotta, you know, like, cut you at the knees.
Speaker A:Like, I don't want to do that in the back of your shin.
Speaker A:Like, I don't want to, you know?
Speaker B:So understandable.
Speaker B:But, yeah, understandable.
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Listen to it now.
Speaker B:Huh?
Speaker B:Food for thought.
Speaker B:It's so funny.
Speaker B:I actually posted a. I don't know what they're calling them anymore.
Speaker B:I'm still gonna call it a tweet, because that's where I'm at about it.
Speaker B:I'm sure that people call them different things now that it's called X, whatever, Elon and all his.
Speaker B:But I posted on that app earlier and I said, sometimes I think I'm mean as it applies to dealing with niggas.
Speaker B:But then I'm reminded that I've given countless chances to people who have said that they want something that they are not willing to put forth the effort to maintain at this point.
Speaker B:Fuck all y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:And that's just where I'm at because, like, I have so many people who are just incredibly inconsistent when it comes to just staying in touch.
Speaker B:Don't get me wrong, we're not even talking about, like, what it takes to navigate, trying to lay a foundation or build upon that or see where things could possibly go.
Speaker B:It's just consistency and communication.
Speaker B:You're telling me that you have interest.
Speaker B:You're telling me that you want to do this and you want to do that.
Speaker B:You're telling me you think that I'm all of these wonderful things and that you'd like to pursue the potential of maybe these Things happening.
Speaker B:But bitch, I'm looking up a week and a half later, like, oh, I guess they weren't interested.
Speaker B:And then you pop up randomly out of the blue, and I'm just supposed to be jumping like, oh, yay, they're interested again.
Speaker B:Yeah, I'm okay.
Speaker B:If you would like to find us on social media, you can do so on Instagram.
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Acronym podcast.
Speaker B:So that is Waita Podcast.
Speaker B:If you want to send us an email, questions, comments, concerns, you can do so@waitacastgmail.com that is w a w w e t a dot cast gmail dot com.
Speaker B:We're going to go ahead and start off with a couple of questions to warm up the show in a beautiful segment that I like to call this.
Speaker A:Or.
Speaker B:I will go ahead now and get into some questions and I want to ask you.
Speaker B:It's so funny because I have been juggling through these questions week by week, trying to find ones that I actually want to ask.
Speaker B:And I think I'm going to have to reshuffle and kind of go back into the algorithm and pull some more things out, because at this point, I'm often like, yeah, I don't want to ask that.
Speaker B:Nope, don't care about that.
Speaker B:But now that we are here, I have found a nice little string, I'll say a nice little four or five that I do feel good about.
Speaker B:And I'm gonna ask you.
Speaker B:So you're chilling.
Speaker B:You know, it's Saturday.
Speaker B:You've done everything that you needed to do for the week.
Speaker B:You don't really have anything that you're obligated to do.
Speaker B:You don't have any plans.
Speaker B:You haven't really thought about anywhere that you need to go.
Speaker B:You're not really tired.
Speaker B:You have a great deal of energy for you on this good Saturday.
Speaker B:Is this a workout day or a rest day?
Speaker A:Realistically, I would love for it to be a workout day.
Speaker A:I have still not ridden this damn bike.
Speaker A:It has been a rest day.
Speaker A:I think it's been a rest year.
Speaker A:So, like, these good Saturdays have been.
Speaker A:If I'm not working, yeah, I've been resting, trying to catch up on it.
Speaker B:I get that my answer is the same without the bike, but, yeah, I definitely want to.
Speaker B:Ideally, yes, absolutely.
Speaker B:I'm not doing anything else.
Speaker B:Let me do something that's gonna make me feel good, give me some energy, make me feel like I'm actively working on something as far as my betterment.
Speaker B:But, yeah, the bed right there.
Speaker B:I'm gonna go ahead and lay in it.
Speaker B:The couch.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:I'll recline.
Speaker B:Interestingly enough, moving to the next day of the week.
Speaker B:And I think my answer shifts depending upon what's going on.
Speaker B:But I'm curious about you.
Speaker B:Sunday Reset or Sunday Turn Up?
Speaker B:Ooh.
Speaker A:That'S interesting, because Sunday here in New York, we do Sunday Funday at 4 West, which is a house party, so it's house music.
Speaker A:And I'll go once a month.
Speaker A:For the most part.
Speaker A:It's been my history where I don't go anytime during the month, but I've been trying to show my face a little bit more because they keep saying, oh, my God, pj, here you are.
Speaker A:But Sunday turn up, I think with limitations.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So Sunday turn up for, like, two hours.
Speaker A:You guys will see me.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker A:And the moment I start expiring and which means sweating too much is the moment it's like, all right, y', all.
Speaker A:I've had so much fun.
Speaker A:Thank y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Lately, it has been Summer Reset.
Speaker B:I'm ready to get back to the place of it being Summer turn Up.
Speaker B:And to be clear, turn up, defined in whatever way that looks for you.
Speaker B:For me, it looks like just being outside and being social and interactive, maybe a cute little brunch, maybe a nice little spot where people are drinking and smoking their hookah, and I'm just kind of chilling and enjoying the music, maybe just.
Speaker B:Just walking around in a park, like, just something so I can feel like I'm, like, actively enjoying socialization and the outdoors and not being confined to the space that I'm generally in.
Speaker B:A few more.
Speaker B:And, pj, if you could say for yourself, group trip or solo getaway?
Speaker A:Solo getaway.
Speaker A:I've done enough group trips.
Speaker A:I am good.
Speaker A:I am so good every single time I do one.
Speaker A:I don't think I'm the best.
Speaker A:I don't think I. I don't think it's the best thing for me.
Speaker A:I've done about, like, eight group trips with eight different groups of people, and once again, I'm the problem.
Speaker A:So solo trips are fine for me, unless it's family.
Speaker A:Like a cousin trip is good, but friends solo trip.
Speaker A:I'm the problem.
Speaker B:I think it.
Speaker A:I am.
Speaker B:No, it's okay.
Speaker B:I get it.
Speaker B:I'm here for you.
Speaker B:I'm holding space.
Speaker B:I think for me, it depends on the group.
Speaker B:I think that I have had incredible, you know, trips where maybe we didn't all go as a group, but maybe, like, I visited a friend, and then from there, it became a group because of my friends.
Speaker B:Friends and I had a really good time being out.
Speaker B:There have been instances where I've gone on trips with friends and we've all gotten an Airbnb.
Speaker B:It's cool.
Speaker B:But then you have that one person that's there that's kind of like annoying or maybe isn't as close to everybody else, and it's a weird vibe.
Speaker B:But I don't know.
Speaker B:I think as I continue in moving forward, I think it'd be nice to have a balance of both.
Speaker B:I definitely want to be able to go places and, you know, discover things.
Speaker B:Like I always say, like, eat, Pray, love me before I leave this earth.
Speaker B:I definitely want a nice little Eat, Pray, Love year.
Speaker B:But I do want to kind of get into a space where I can explore group trips on a level with people that I feel like I connect deeply with.
Speaker B:We all kind of are like minded.
Speaker B:We enjoy a lot of the same things that we can kind of go out and do our thing and have a good time.
Speaker B:And then too, in the event that we need some solo time, we can create that for ourselves without anybody else being uncomfortable.
Speaker A:I will say this.
Speaker A:So there is a group of gentlemen I do belong to.
Speaker A:We all met on Facebook.
Speaker A:We're all gay Greeks.
Speaker A:So like Alphas, Kappas, Sigmas, Iota's and Q's.
Speaker A:There are several different kind of Facebook groups.
Speaker A:One is called the Insiders.
Speaker A:Another one is called the Collective.
Speaker A:I've been part of a few of our retreats for the Collective.
Speaker A:And when we go on retreats, I mean, it's like 40 of us that would get.
Speaker A:We've done Galveston, Texas, we've done.
Speaker A:They've done a lot of international ones.
Speaker A:I haven't done any international ones because the last one I was a part of, I kind of got a little out of control.
Speaker A:But the first few that I did, I really enjoyed those because those are intentional.
Speaker A:So they.
Speaker A:We had a few of our.
Speaker A:I think.
Speaker A:I think one of them is a Sigma and another one is an Alpha.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:And like they cook breakfast and this and that, whatever.
Speaker A:And afterwards we would literally have like a moment where we kind of get dressed up, but just casually dressed up.
Speaker A:And we would sit around and we would have like genuine, real conversations, like things that.
Speaker A:And one of them appears in one of my.
Speaker A:I have a.
Speaker A:A digital frame and it pops up all the time because it was like one of the best conversations I've ever had.
Speaker A:And it was listening to someone who said that they are just now getting more comfortable in their sexuality.
Speaker A:And it's great to be around a bunch of men who act like men.
Speaker A:And then it started going down a little problematic road.
Speaker A:But here's the thing.
Speaker A:And I think that's what made that experience really good.
Speaker A:And that's why sometimes I say, okay, for group chips, group trips, it just depends on who you're with.
Speaker A:There's always room to learn.
Speaker A:So, like, when you're saying, you know, when you're understanding the whole, like, conversation, when it comes down to feminine versus masculine, trans versus cis, and people not understanding that what you're saying is offensive, it takes other people really to show you and bring that better side of you so you can actually learn.
Speaker A:Do better so you can, you know, know better so you can do better.
Speaker A:So I. I appreciate group trips like that, but genuinely, I would love to do a solo out of the country trip.
Speaker A:I've never done one.
Speaker A: at's going to be the plan for: Speaker A:Sweet.
Speaker B:All right, so two more for me.
Speaker B:And the next one specifically is.
Speaker B:And it's silly, but I'm curious because I know my answer, and it's funny to me as far as.
Speaker B:And this comes from a space of, like, someone showing you appreciation.
Speaker B:Cash app love or handwritten letters.
Speaker A:Cook me food love.
Speaker A:Is that a third option?
Speaker B:It's not listed here.
Speaker B:But I love how you just decided to improvise there.
Speaker B:Hey, whatever feels good for you.
Speaker A:Because, I mean, either one of those.
Speaker A:I mean, don't give me money.
Speaker A:Don't give me money.
Speaker A:Because the moment you give me money is the moment that I feel like I owe you, and I. I feel there's too much pressure.
Speaker A:Handwritten love works perfect.
Speaker A:I have a box of.
Speaker A:I'm a very sentimental person, so I have a box of things that really bring me joy.
Speaker A:When I look back on them, I'm like, oh, this person cared.
Speaker A:This person.
Speaker A:You know, I got to check in on them.
Speaker A:You know, you send me money I'm forgetting, or I'm never gonna forget, because I'm gonna pay you back or pay you back when I'm ready to pay you back, you know?
Speaker A:But I would rather something that comes from the heart than just something that you can just give to anybody.
Speaker B:I love that for you.
Speaker B:It's so humble.
Speaker B:It's so genuine.
Speaker B:It's so just you.
Speaker B:It shows how much of an.
Speaker B:A great person you are.
Speaker B:And now on the flip side of that, I'm going to say, run me that money respectfully, gratefully.
Speaker B:I really appreciate it.
Speaker B:And if nothing else, it's so funny, because I think about this all the time I want to say, I'm trying to think of who she was talking to.
Speaker B:It might have been T.S.
Speaker B:madison.
Speaker B:I think it was T.S.
Speaker B:madison.
Speaker B:Like, Tamar Braxton did an interview on one of TS Madison's shows, and they were talking about dating, and she was like, how am I going to let you.
Speaker B:How am I going to know if you like me if you don't give me any money or buy me something?
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:And I don't really believe that way, but I do think that for a really, really long time.
Speaker B:And it was just.
Speaker B:It was based on.
Speaker B:It was based on ego, and it was also based on insecurity.
Speaker B:So twofold.
Speaker B:For a really long time, I was the person that wanted to take care of everything.
Speaker B:When I was younger, I.
Speaker B:A lot of times I made less money than other people.
Speaker B:A lot of times I would not have a car.
Speaker B:So anytime that something happened, like, somebody would have to get.
Speaker B:Come pick me up, whatever.
Speaker B:Whatever that looked like.
Speaker B:So for me, I always wanted to be the person that was fronting the bill.
Speaker B:Oh, you came to pick me up.
Speaker B:I'm giving you an example.
Speaker B:A ridiculous amount of money.
Speaker B:I know it didn't.
Speaker B:It didn't even cost you this much money to fill up your gas two times.
Speaker B:But you picked me up and you dropped me off.
Speaker B:I'm grateful.
Speaker B:Here's some gas money.
Speaker B:And so, like, I think I was always the person that was giving and providing and doing and pouring out into other people financially sometimes when I couldn't even really afford to.
Speaker B:Like, I'm spending my last to make sure that somebody else is good in a lot of instances.
Speaker B:So now I think as I've gotten older and I've started leaning into some different concepts and really, like, just kind of considering what I want my life to look like a lot of times, especially in, like, meditation and different things that I hear, it's like I'm in a season of receiving.
Speaker B:Like, I want to be.
Speaker B:I'm ready to.
Speaker B:And I'd say this facetiously, but, like, I'm ready to be in my soft girl era.
Speaker B:Spoil me, do nice things for me, take me places.
Speaker B:And don't get me wrong, I don't think that I'll ever be at that place where I'm like, quote, unquote, gold digger, or quote, unquote, I want a sugar daddy, or whatever that looks like.
Speaker B:Because I still very much enjoy doing things for myself, and I would love to do something for somebody else as well.
Speaker B:However, I'm not opposed to allowing somebody to do something for me if they want to.
Speaker B:Because if that's what you want to do, I'm open.
Speaker A:It's the.
Speaker A:I'm open with your head.
Speaker A:It's the.
Speaker A:It's the, ladies and gentlemen, open.
Speaker A:And then he put his two hands behind his head, like he's leaning back, like he wants them to put something in their mouth.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:What you got for me, Daddy?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:I don't know what it is.
Speaker A:It's just.
Speaker B:I mean.
Speaker A:Well, I do know.
Speaker B:Maybe.
Speaker B:Maybe pride.
Speaker A:No, no, that doesn't.
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker A:It doesn't come from pride, because.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:That I can do for myself.
Speaker A:Like, there's money.
Speaker A:I've never been a person about money, money, money.
Speaker A:Like, give me money, give me money, give me money, show me you like me, give me money.
Speaker A:I am.
Speaker A:Do for me or spend time with me kind of person.
Speaker A:Like, even, like, when it comes, like, love, languages, gifts is, like, always on the bottom of the list.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:Unless it's something that's, like, handcrafted, handmade, something random that you thought of or something little that you saw.
Speaker A:Here's an example.
Speaker A:Someone got me something like this.
Speaker A:And this is just a little.
Speaker A:They just thought that this face looked like me for some reason with this little smirk, so they bought it.
Speaker A:This little.
Speaker A:It's a little.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:How would you describe this?
Speaker B:Is it a sloth?
Speaker A:It is a dog.
Speaker B:Is it a dog?
Speaker A:This is a dog.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:A sloth.
Speaker B:I didn't know.
Speaker B:I was trying to.
Speaker B:I was trying to figure it.
Speaker B:I was really.
Speaker B:I was literally like, okay, dog.
Speaker A:It's a little.
Speaker A:It's a little puppy dog.
Speaker A:And they.
Speaker A:They said the smirk reminded them of me.
Speaker A:So I. I was like, okay, thank you.
Speaker A:And I mean.
Speaker A:And I keep it close to me, you know?
Speaker A:So, like, things like that matter more than you can give money to anybody, but that's just me.
Speaker B:Give it to me.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker B:All right, so two more.
Speaker B:And it's so funny that the last one is what it is in regard to what my last answer was.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:And I would be honest.
Speaker B:This is.
Speaker B:This is my struggle area.
Speaker B:So ciao.
Speaker B:Budgeting or balling out?
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker B:It's almost like the car don't want to start.
Speaker B:The little sound that you were making, like.
Speaker A:I. I don't ball out, but I don't budget either.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Okay, we're gonna go with budgeting.
Speaker A:We're gonna go with budgeting.
Speaker A:And only reason why is because I don't ball out.
Speaker A:I don't spend a whole Lot of money to prove anything or buy a bunch of fancy things.
Speaker A:I don't have anything fancy.
Speaker A:The fit.
Speaker A:The most fanciest thing I have in my apartment now is that's the fanciest thing I found.
Speaker A:And it's just because the way it sits up.
Speaker A:Anything else.
Speaker A:I'm not here trying to impress anybody.
Speaker A:I'll budget, I'll save.
Speaker A:I'll save what I can until I want to spend money or need to get through some emotional something.
Speaker A:Emotional.
Speaker A:I'm an emotional spender.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker B:So I'll be fair and I'll be honest.
Speaker B:I straddle the line.
Speaker B:And I say that because honestly, I have a spreadsheet.
Speaker B:I keep an active spreadsheet that literally has formulas in it.
Speaker B:I know exactly when I get paid.
Speaker B:I know exactly how much my paycheck is going to be.
Speaker B:I know exactly what bills are coming out on what day they're coming out.
Speaker B:And I have it aligned as to where it shows as things are being tracked.
Speaker B:Like, this has been paid, this has been paid.
Speaker B:This is how much money is left over from the paycheck.
Speaker B:Like all of those different things.
Speaker B:So budgeting to the extent that the bills are paid, absolutely.
Speaker B:Because that's prime, that's primary, that's priority at this point in life.
Speaker B:There's no way that I can allow myself to be comfortable with still making the same foolish choices that I made 20 years ago, because I just know that that's not conducive with my growth.
Speaker B:And my goal is to grow in every way that I possibly can.
Speaker B:Now, on the other side of the coin, once the bills are paid, my largest struggle area right now, ladies and gentlemen and non binary persons, is I don't know how to keep no damn money.
Speaker B:I will literally spend to my last penny.
Speaker B:And at the time that I'm doing it, I'm actively telling myself, you never know what you're gonna need.
Speaker B:You never know what you might.
Speaker B:This, you know, this last $30 might be able to do for you.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:But in the moment, look at it in the moment, I want it.
Speaker B:And it's like.
Speaker B:And I recognize what it is.
Speaker B:And for anybody that has adhd, if you can relate, maybe this is somewhere where we find a commonality.
Speaker B:Like it's that hit of dopamine.
Speaker B:It's like, I need something to be excited about.
Speaker B:I need to know that something shiny and new is coming.
Speaker B:I gotta be excited about.
Speaker B:Oh, it shipped.
Speaker B:Oh, they say it's out for delivery.
Speaker B:It'll be here by five.
Speaker B:Like there's something that's so exciting about that for me.
Speaker B:And then I get it.
Speaker B:And it's really exciting to have it.
Speaker B:And then beyond having it, it's kind of like, okay, we're back at that.
Speaker B:It's like, it was fun in that moment.
Speaker B:It gave us all that we needed in that moment.
Speaker B:And then beyond the moment, we're kind of back at that space of like, okay, can't wait till I have some more money so I can do that again.
Speaker A:I'm like, George Jefferson, honey, I will.
Speaker A:Cheap, cheap, cheap.
Speaker A:I'm frugal.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:At this point, I've been in therapy for five years, and it's the number one thing that I feel like out of all the work that I've done and all the areas that I've grown in, I just can't seem to.
Speaker B:Yeah, it's.
Speaker B:It's a problem.
Speaker B:It's a.
Speaker B:It' a big problem.
Speaker B:And, yeah, that's all I can say.
Speaker B:And I won't even front, like, oh, you know, I'm actively working on it.
Speaker B:I tell myself that I'm working on it all the time.
Speaker B:I actively tell myself that I'm working it all on it all the time.
Speaker B:But then as soon as I think of something that I want to buy, instead of going through the back and forth of, like, being in my head and then beating myself up about it and then feeling guilty about it, I'm just like, you know you're going to buy it.
Speaker B:Just buy it.
Speaker B:That way you don't have to go through the whole rigmarole of like, oh, do I really need this?
Speaker B:No, take it out of the cart.
Speaker B:You really should keep that money just in case you need something else.
Speaker B:Like, I.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:Let's not even go through the stress and drama of it.
Speaker B:Just get it.
Speaker B:And then afterwards, you can feel whatever way you need to feel, and then you'll have it.
Speaker B:And then beyond that, because more.
Speaker B:There's more money coming.
Speaker A:Can I just say what actually has helped me with that?
Speaker A:And so Blair has actually told me I need to stop this because it's going to, like, catch up to me one day.
Speaker A:But, like, so I empty my cart, but then I just refill it.
Speaker A:But I never purchase anything until I actually, really, really need what is in that cart.
Speaker A:So, like, I. I'm a window shopper.
Speaker A:I'll go to the mall and just look at stuff.
Speaker A:I'll.
Speaker A:I'll go online and I'll like, my TikTok shop cart is huge.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker A:My Amazon cart is about $7,000.
Speaker A:You know, and we did like a screen share, fuck around and confirm that.
Speaker B:Purchase one day by mistake.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:You make one thing.
Speaker A:So like I, I, it has helped me with the need to spend by just saying I did or thinking I did and knowing I didn't.
Speaker A:You know, that's what's helped me as far as spending.
Speaker A:But like, I spend money on food before I spend money on things.
Speaker B:See, I want to be better at that because honestly, I don't.
Speaker B:Like, if I don't, if I, if I don't, number one, if I don't have any money, I don't want to look at it because it's going to make me sad that I can't get what I want.
Speaker B:So if there's no money, I don't want to put nothing in the car, I don't want to go to the store, I don't want to be anywhere.
Speaker B:And then honestly, as far as shopping is concerned, when I'm going to the store, I only want to go if I know exactly what I'm going to get.
Speaker B:I'm not going to be all over the place like, oh, can I buy something from here?
Speaker B:Is there anything that I want to hear?
Speaker B:No, I already know what it is.
Speaker B:I know where it is.
Speaker B:I probably already checked online or called ahead to make sure that they have it.
Speaker B:I'm in there, I'm picking it up, I'm trying.
Speaker B:I might try it on to see if it fits, if it's something clothing related.
Speaker B:And then I'm gonna leave.
Speaker B:And then beyond that, who knows?
Speaker B:That might have been the whole mall trip.
Speaker B:Or I might stop by, by the food court.
Speaker A:But yeah, I'm leaving home goods is the devil.
Speaker A:That's why it's.
Speaker A:And it's on, it's on my way home.
Speaker A:So I get off the train, I pass by it every day, and there are moments where I walk in, I'm like, oh, this is nice.
Speaker A:Oh, this is nice.
Speaker A:They even posted on my Tik tok.
Speaker A:All right, this is a problem.
Speaker A:Oh, this is nice.
Speaker A:In the midst of me saying this is a problem.
Speaker A:Oh, this is nice.
Speaker A:You know, so, yeah.
Speaker A:But anyway.
Speaker B:And the way that I would leave, having only come in there to look for something and before you know it, it's like you're having the conversation on your way home with yourself.
Speaker B:Like, how the did I just spend $379?
Speaker A:This is exactly why I appreciate, I appreciate this boycott that we have done.
Speaker A:And I am still doing it.
Speaker A:Of Target.
Speaker A:I haven't spent.
Speaker A:When I tell you, Tarjay, used to get all of my money now for what?
Speaker A:And now I realize that a lot of the things that I was buying in there was just impulse buying.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:All that it's ever been for me specifically is impulse buy.
Speaker B:I'll go to like for one, for a moment there, I got into this really, really big coffee mug phase as to where I wanted all of the cute little different types of coffee mugs.
Speaker B:So like, I would go in and every time.
Speaker B:And Target just has really nice selections of things.
Speaker B:And so every time I go in I'm like, ooh, this one's so pretty.
Speaker B:And it has my, it has my initial on it.
Speaker B:And this one has this great inspirational quote on the front of it.
Speaker B:And this one just looks like it'd be, oh, look, they got a whole set of these.
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:And I would just like, yeah, it was a thing.
Speaker A:Mugs and candles.
Speaker B:Sorry, go ahead to those same candles.
Speaker B:For me for a while it was journals and planners pins.
Speaker B:I never really got that deep into stationery, but like, just different.
Speaker B:It, It's a whole to do.
Speaker B:Anyway, one last question because I will say we can talk about, I can talk about spending money, but no, we're literally at five.
Speaker A:Okay, okay.
Speaker B:But no, one last question.
Speaker B:That is a question.
Speaker B:No, but this is, this is the one where I said it would be funny because of the way that I responded to the previous question.
Speaker B:And it's so funny that it's right here, like staring at me and I know your answer.
Speaker B:Soft life or secure life?
Speaker A:Life.
Speaker A:What do you mean by soft life?
Speaker B:I don't know, whatever it means to you.
Speaker A:Soft life or secure life.
Speaker B:I was gonna say if it helps, I can answer the question first, if that maybe.
Speaker B:Yeah, expand it for you.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker B:Give me an idea.
Speaker B:So I'll say soft life.
Speaker B:And the reason that I say that is is because for a few, few reasons.
Speaker B:First of all, I have been very, very close to making a hundred thousand dollars a year at one point in my career.
Speaker B:Now I'm at a point where I don't make half of that.
Speaker B:However, I do know that what I have learned, and you'll hear this often by people, anybody that you're talking to in corporate America, anybody that gives these kind of talks.
Speaker B:The more money you make, generally speaking, the less work you do.
Speaker B:Especially if it's in corporate America.
Speaker B:Think about it, the low level workers, the people who are the worker bees that are putting out the output, they make the least amount of.
Speaker B:And then you have, you know, let's say you Have a lead, somebody that's there to, you know, do this and do that.
Speaker B:They're still working hard, they're making a little bit more money, but, you know, they're not having to do a lot of the grunt work that maybe the lower level workers are making.
Speaker B:Then you have the supervisors, they're making more money.
Speaker B:But their whole thing is to like, make sure that everything is running smoothly, sign off on certain things, review, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker B:Then you have the.
Speaker B:Maybe the district that you know, so on and so forth.
Speaker B:But the more it's like the higher you up you are, the more esteemed your position may be, the more responsibility you may have, the more your signature holds weight.
Speaker B:But realistically speaking, the less work you're doing.
Speaker B:So I think that's one and then two.
Speaker B:I think it's also that idea of just since I've been like diving into this manifestation space, I think it's just kind of escaping from that idea that you have to work hard to be able to have a lot of money or you have to, you know, run yourself into the ground to be able to have nice things.
Speaker B:Sometimes it's just about genuinely, like leaning into the belief system that things are possible for you and telling the universe what you want and like really, really working towards like, envisioning certain things and, you know, creating like being an active participation in the creation of your life, which is something we've touched on.
Speaker B:But yeah, like, I.
Speaker B:So I think for me in that regard, I. I love the idea of security.
Speaker B:I definitely want to feel secure in the way that my life is set up, but I also don't want to feel like in order to create or maintain that, that I literally have to work myself to the bone and to the point of exhaustion as to where I don't get to enjoy it.
Speaker A:See, so I hear it.
Speaker A:I still hear it differently.
Speaker A:So I hear soft and secured, as in doing and someone doing for you.
Speaker A:So like, that's the way I hear it.
Speaker A:So, like I was.
Speaker A:I'm still leaning towards secured life.
Speaker A:Yeah, because that's your own work that you did.
Speaker A:That's what you obtain.
Speaker A:Maybe that's attached to pride.
Speaker A:And soft is having someone else do it for you, someone else providing it.
Speaker A:But in the instance, the way that you say it, I still say secure.
Speaker A:I mean, it's not even about like making money because again, like, I have the same experience.
Speaker A:I worked in corporate America.
Speaker A:I quit.
Speaker A:And this is part of my story that we've never really talked about.
Speaker A:But I quit corporate America to work, to Become an actor.
Speaker A:I. I cashed out my 401k.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:Which is don't do that, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:But I've paid my rent.
Speaker A:But I paid my rent for a year and, you know, I went on auditions and this now, whatever.
Speaker A:And then I've been on television.
Speaker A:I've been done commercials, I've done Broadway, I've done off Broadway, I've done international theater.
Speaker A:But I did these things because I felt secured enough because I was doing.
Speaker A:I did what I needed to do to cover my back end.
Speaker A:And then now I'm in a position where I'm nowhere near making any money that I was making before, but I'm happier.
Speaker A:I'm so much happier and more at peace and less stressed about things until it's about not having the money to do the things that I want to do.
Speaker A:It's a weird cycle, but I. I guess, yeah, I think I'm gonna still stay secure because I would.
Speaker A:The more secure I am with.
Speaker A:I know that these things are covered, the more comfortable I feel.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, while we're talking about, like, feeling secure and feeling comfortable, I want to bring back this segment that I like to call get up on My Face.
Speaker A:See, because the problem is that there are a lot of you out there who have gotten too comfortable.
Speaker A:For those of you who come to people's houses for the first time and think it is okay for you to open their refrigerator.
Speaker A:Get up on my face.
Speaker A:This ain't your house.
Speaker A:For someone who also comes to that someone's same person's house and say, hey, can you do me a favor?
Speaker A:Can you put your dog away?
Speaker A:Nigga, you can leave.
Speaker A:This is his house, her house.
Speaker A:You're a guest here.
Speaker A:Get up on my face.
Speaker A:And lastly, I understand that there's this whole thing about, you know, when you put the toilet tissue over or under, and I'm an over kind of guy, and you go ahead and go it upon yourself to put it under.
Speaker A:Get up at my face.
Speaker A:Okay, and you know what?
Speaker A:And another one.
Speaker A:Okay, and for those of you.
Speaker A:And this is.
Speaker A:All of this is, as you can tell, is about people coming into my home.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:I did not ask you for decorating advice.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:What you would do at your house.
Speaker A:What you would do at your house.
Speaker A:This is a song.
Speaker A:And here's what I.
Speaker A:Two things I usually do.
Speaker A:And this is shady as.
Speaker A:And I'll admit it, I don't give a.
Speaker A:Okay, if I am ready for you to go, I am going to literally put on Mariah Carey.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:And if you say something serious, like, slick about my, like, place.
Speaker A:I put on Diana Ross's.
Speaker B:It's my house.
Speaker A:Like, watch yourself, okay?
Speaker A:This is my house, okay?
Speaker A:So get up.
Speaker A:Up in my face.
Speaker A:Don't come up my house.
Speaker A:Open, closing my cabinet drawers.
Speaker A:Closing this and that, whatever.
Speaker A:Don't refold things the way.
Speaker A:Listen.
Speaker A:Get up out of my face.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:That's all I got.
Speaker A:That's all I got.
Speaker A:And another thing.
Speaker A:1.
Speaker A:Here's the.
Speaker A:Here's the most important part about this, okay?
Speaker A:And we're talking about, like, when you come into someone else's home.
Speaker A:If I say, take off your shoes.
Speaker A:Take off your shoes.
Speaker A:If you sit here, want to come, like, but you know, I don't have clean socks on or.
Speaker A:Okay, I'll give you a pair of socks.
Speaker A:Don't continue to walk through my house with your shoes on.
Speaker A:If I've asked you to take them off, you know how nasty that is?
Speaker A:But, hey, I don't care.
Speaker A:I don't got to eat off of your plates.
Speaker A:You're gonna eat off of mine.
Speaker A:Well, you're not gonna eat my plate, you know, at all now, period.
Speaker A:So get up on my face.
Speaker A:And by my plate, I mean my butt, my booty, my kicks, my kicky pies.
Speaker A:But so.
Speaker B:No, no, no.
Speaker B:I'm sorry, before you continue, I'm going to cut you off.
Speaker B:It is happening.
Speaker B:It's how.
Speaker B:Because I know everybody listening heard it, but y' all didn't see it.
Speaker B:So I'm just gonna do a quick recap of how quickly it went from.
Speaker B:That's it.
Speaker B:That's all I got, too.
Speaker B:And another thing, after you slammed your head down on the table, that was a whole to do.
Speaker B:That was a beautiful moment for me.
Speaker B:But go ahead, you can continue.
Speaker B:It seems like you got a lot on your heart.
Speaker A:There was a lot on my heart.
Speaker A:And there's really one more thing that I need to have in my heart.
Speaker A:I mean, I think I can have it on my heart, but I'm pretty sure all of our listeners would love to have this there.
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Wa ta Dot podcast or waita podcast at this point?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:God damn it.
Speaker B:If you really want to think about it.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I.
Speaker B:Funny enough, when we initially sat down to have this conversation, I wanted to have a completely different conversation.
Speaker B:And then we kind of did a trial run of what that conversation would look like.
Speaker B:And it didn't turn out the way that I expected.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker B:Didn'T turn out the way that I had hoped.
Speaker B:So in an effort to revamp, I think that I've decided that I want to do something a little different.
Speaker B:And it's so funny because, like, we were just having a brief moment of conversation prior to coming into the episode about how I didn't realize it would be so challenging, especially, like, having a week off.
Speaker B:Like, we go back and forth of choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other, as we always say.
Speaker B:And so it's funny, like, now being in the space of.
Speaker B:Okay, it's your turn.
Speaker A:Cool.
Speaker B:There's been times where I've literally, like, woken up out of my sleep and just had it on my heart.
Speaker B:And then there have been other times where, like, we're in the moment and we're doing the warmup, and it's like, so what are we even talking about?
Speaker B:And I just shoot something off the dome.
Speaker B:It's becoming slightly more challenging for me as the weeks go by to be in that spirit of, like, wanting to be intentional and wanting to keep things fresh and whatever else it looks like.
Speaker B:So moment of transparency.
Speaker B:It was a little bit more challenging for me to get here this week.
Speaker B:However, I have decided that what we are even talking about, I like the way that came out is just, let's do a mental health check in.
Speaker B:Let's do a mental health check in.
Speaker B:And you know what's funny?
Speaker B:I think at the beginning of every episode, we always talk about, like, how's your week?
Speaker B:How are you doing?
Speaker B:And we answer the question from like, a very, you know, brief, short, this is what's going on type of space, but let's dive a little deeper.
Speaker B:Let's.
Speaker B:Let's let the people in.
Speaker B:Let's talk a little bit about, like, just how we've been feeling lately.
Speaker B:And maybe this will be good for me because, like, I missed therapy a couple of sessions just because finances weren't looking, like, what finances needed to look like.
Speaker B:So, yeah, this might be a good unpack.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I'll say so.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I'll say this.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:In.
Speaker A:In addition to that, this is also trial number two, because we tried this.
Speaker A:Was it yesterday or the day before yesterday?
Speaker A:Day before yesterday.
Speaker A:And I. Yeah.
Speaker A:And I was just not in the space.
Speaker A:I was just not in the mental headspace to do it.
Speaker A:And I think I was still holding on to some things that I had to need to discuss with.
Speaker A:With people.
Speaker A:Not just one person, but a.
Speaker A:A plethora of folks.
Speaker A:And it was starting to, like, weigh on me in a way that I don't really care for.
Speaker A:I don't like, but I can't control that.
Speaker A:And that's the part about it that I don't like.
Speaker A: ,: Speaker A:It's time to get back creating.
Speaker A:It's time to not put so much focus on things and people and put focus on the things and the people, if that makes sense.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:So like, I. I know that I'm probably the best.
Speaker A:I feel the best when I'm busy, when I'm doing something, when I'm engaging with others, when I'm around people who not just like I'm around them because they look up to me or around them because any other reason, but around them because there's something that I only, not only I, but in this moment only I can help and provide with.
Speaker A:Like, I feel needed.
Speaker A:And I think there has been a.
Speaker A:A long time of.
Speaker A:A long period of time where I haven't felt as needed.
Speaker A:So it was affecting me in other ways.
Speaker A:And then when I don't feel as needed, I succumb to making someone else or a group of people my main focus because I don't feel as needed.
Speaker A:So let me go ahead and you know, again, I'd swallow up into another person or another group of people.
Speaker A:And I don't want to do that because that's never been a good look for me.
Speaker A:So for my mental health for today, I. I can say that I'm in a much better space now that I can acknowledge what was troubling me before.
Speaker A:What about you?
Speaker B:I don't know if I've ever asked you this.
Speaker B:No, wait, wait.
Speaker B:I want to ask you this.
Speaker B:Are you actively in there.
Speaker B:Are you actively in therapy?
Speaker A:You?
Speaker A:I was.
Speaker A:And then my therapist left the practice and so she was Puerto Rican woman.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:It took a long time to find her and she lived in Pennsylvania, but she would come out to New York every, every, you know, so often.
Speaker A:But her son graduated and went to college and she sold her house and moved to the Midwest to be closer to where her son goes to college.
Speaker A:And she was awesome.
Speaker A:Before her, there was this white lady named Kathleen Levy.
Speaker A:Not that I put her whole business out there, but she often made me feel uncomfortable.
Speaker A:She often made me feel like everything I had been through was so like, traumatic in a sense that it was like, oh my God.
Speaker B:Oh Oh.
Speaker A:And it was just like.
Speaker A:Whenever I would tell her a response or something that happened, it was always.
Speaker A:It just.
Speaker A:She always made me felt judged.
Speaker A:And therapy is always like.
Speaker A:Therapy is like, you know, you.
Speaker A:It's a bunch of awkward first dates until you find your right therapist.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And then I had Thomas, and he was absolutely.
Speaker A:Within the first 20 minutes.
Speaker A:This isn't gonna work.
Speaker A:You're looking at me, too.
Speaker A:He wasn't attractive, man, but he was also a white man.
Speaker A:And he was looking at me in a way that, like, fetishized me because I caught him.
Speaker A:Oftentimes, if I would get up, I would catch him looking at my crotch.
Speaker A:I would probably be wearing, like, something that probably would show it off or whatever, and I felt uncomfortable.
Speaker A:He was also a gay man.
Speaker A:So I went to the whole, okay, let me find a gay guy.
Speaker A:Maybe this ain't gonna work, because now you're.
Speaker A:If I felt like a piece of meat.
Speaker A:And then Giselle, she was.
Speaker A:She was.
Speaker A:She was what I needed.
Speaker A:So I. I am actively not as active, but I am desiring a new therapist.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:I. I do have a psychotherapist.
Speaker A:I mean, a.
Speaker A:A psychiatrist.
Speaker A:But I'm not actively on any medication either.
Speaker A:So I've weaned myself off of all medication, even though I get refills, because I don't want.
Speaker A:I don't like the way they make me feel.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Because I don't like the.
Speaker A:There's just.
Speaker A:For me, there's just.
Speaker A:There's just no one mood for me, and I don't like it.
Speaker A:It's good for other people, but for me, it's just like, this isn't me.
Speaker A:I can't be silly.
Speaker A:I can't be myself.
Speaker A:I feel like I'm.
Speaker A:I'm a prisoner to this.
Speaker A:This respectability politics kind of thing situation when it comes to interaction with other people that I just.
Speaker A:I choose not to.
Speaker B:I get that.
Speaker B:Was that.
Speaker B:Was that the only thing, or were there side effects?
Speaker A:There were side effects, too.
Speaker A:There were.
Speaker A:There were several side effects that.
Speaker A:There were side effects that.
Speaker A:One of them, like, gave me RLS Restless leg syndrome.
Speaker A:So I couldn't sleep.
Speaker A:Like, my legs always had to be moving.
Speaker A:Another one.
Speaker A:I've had, like, the worst dreams, and they were so vivid.
Speaker A:Like, dreams of literally, like, murder, you know, and, like, with blood, like, weird.
Speaker A:That I've never had before.
Speaker A:It's like, bringing up, like, trauma to the forefront and making it like this just in.
Speaker A:You know, I didn't.
Speaker A:Or times I couldn't sleep, and I'd had to get up and go to work.
Speaker A:I had to go teach, and I had to be around people, you know, and someone was making me nauseous, like, all right, yeah.
Speaker A:So the last one is Lexapro.
Speaker A:Lexapro has been the best one I've ever used, but I still have it.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I stay away.
Speaker B:I'm good.
Speaker A:What about you?
Speaker B:No, because I do that.
Speaker B:It's funny that you did that, because I was thinking, like, okay, I guess it's my turn.
Speaker B:No.
Speaker B:So if I'm being honest, if.
Speaker B:If I'm being honest with myself as well as others, there has not really been anything wrong lately.
Speaker B:And when I say anything wrong, I guess there's nothing that I can specifically attach any particular emotions to.
Speaker B:Like, there's not been any major trauma.
Speaker B:I haven't had any really great negative experiences.
Speaker B:Things have been flowing and going in the ways that, you know, ultimately I feel that they should.
Speaker B:I think I'm just getting to a point now where as much as sometimes it can benefit me, I'm not a big fan of routine.
Speaker B:Like, once things start to feel too comfortable, once things start to feel too stable, once things start to feel like, okay, this is life and what it is, I don't know.
Speaker B:I think I just.
Speaker B:I long for something spontaneous.
Speaker B:I long for something exciting.
Speaker B:I long for something to get me out of that feeling of, like, I'm kind of in this rut.
Speaker B:And so I think lately I have not been able to discover what that is.
Speaker B:And so I've been actively trying to create it in different ways.
Speaker B:I think in, you know, if nothing else, like the podcast, this, as well as, you know, other endeavors that I'm currently pursuing, the live thing on Tik Tok, trying to restructure and determine, like, what that looks like for me, creating balance in that space, actively just anything.
Speaker B:I think I've been actively seeking to fill moments with things to do so I can feel like, okay, this is going to be the one thing that's going to inspire me to feel like I have something additional going on.
Speaker B:Because, like we talked about, I don't really have a great deal of hobbies.
Speaker B:I'm in a space now where I live, somewhere where I don't really have a great deal of local friends.
Speaker B:It.
Speaker B:If you listen and you feel the way it is, what it is, I would say I don't really have any local friends.
Speaker B:Like, I have people that live here that I would say that I'm cool with.
Speaker B:But when I say, like local friends.
Speaker B:I'm saying, like, somebody I can call and be like, hey, what are you up to?
Speaker B:Let's hang out.
Speaker B:Like, I don't have that for myself here.
Speaker B:So it's one of those.
Speaker B:Never flipped it inside out.
Speaker A:He's talking about the little thing for his.
Speaker A:For the microphone, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker B:Okay, that was funny for me because.
Speaker B:No, it's funny because the other day you called it a condiment.
Speaker B:So now I'm just like, oh, now it's.
Speaker B:But, yeah, I hold to do random tangents of adhd.
Speaker B:But no, I just.
Speaker B:I think I'm in a space where, like I said, I'm lonely normally, I'm bored.
Speaker B:I'm feeling a little unfulfilled.
Speaker B:I'm feeling like things have gotten way too routine.
Speaker B:I'm feeling like I'd prefer to be in different spaces doing different things.
Speaker B:And it's not bad.
Speaker B:Like, I'm not, like, sad or really depressed about it.
Speaker B:It's just a really tremendous space of discontentment.
Speaker B:And I want to not feel that way because everything in me is telling me that I should be grateful for how comfortable and stable I am.
Speaker B:Because at one point things were chaotic.
Speaker B:At one point we didn't know where we were going to live or how we were going to eat.
Speaker B:So being in a space as to where there is stability, there is comfort, even with the routine, I feel like I should be grateful for that.
Speaker B:I feel like I should be comfort, comforted in knowing that even if things are the same every day, at least things are cool.
Speaker B:And I don't recognize fully why that.
Speaker B:Why can't be.
Speaker B:However, I do know that I am in some way actively now longing, seeking, budgeting, planning, striving to discover my way out of it.
Speaker B:Because I think eventually, if it continues to be this way, it will kind of turn into some sadness.
Speaker B:It could kind of borderline on some, you know, serious depression.
Speaker B:Just because.
Speaker B:Because it's like I'm just.
Speaker B:I'm longing for some type of great joy.
Speaker B:I'm longing to feel some sense of, like, fulfillment and happiness and excitement about the day.
Speaker B:I'm longing to have something to look forward to.
Speaker B:And I think lately I've just been kind of like, okay, I get up, I work, I do the things, you know, I take care of myself, I take care of the dog.
Speaker B:Everything's getting kind of done the way it needs to.
Speaker B:Nothing really crazy going on.
Speaker B:But at the same time, like, you know, love life is kind of non existent.
Speaker B:You know, I have people that I connect with.
Speaker B:You Know people.
Speaker B:You and I are close.
Speaker B:I have people that I'm close to that I check in with periodically, but, like, nobody that I actively, like, consistently talk to all the time.
Speaker B:So I don't know.
Speaker B:It's just been a great deal of, like, just kind of, like.
Speaker B:I don't know, like, I'm trying to find something, like, more profound, another profound way to describe it, but honestly, it's very surface level.
Speaker B:It's like a board.
Speaker B:I'm discontent.
Speaker B:I'm lonely.
Speaker B:I'm not satisfied with the things that.
Speaker B:The way that things are.
Speaker B:I want something to be better, but I don't even know.
Speaker B:Like, it's not bad.
Speaker B:Like, nothing's bad.
Speaker B:I just want things to be different.
Speaker B:And I think I'm longing to feel like I have more drive and more excitement and something more to be pursuing or doing or working towards or something that's gonna have me feeling, like, on a greater level of like.
Speaker B:Like, okay, this is.
Speaker B:We're being purposeful.
Speaker B:We're not just checking off boxes.
Speaker B:We're not just showing up to the places that we're supposed to be.
Speaker B:We're not just doing the things that we're supposed to do.
Speaker B:We're actually serving a purpose.
Speaker B:We're actually doing things that are great and that make us feel great and that we can be proud of.
Speaker B:And I feel that way about certain things that I do, but still not to the degree that I would like to.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Can I ask you a few questions?
Speaker B:This.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:What you want to know?
Speaker A:So let me ask you just what the.
Speaker B:You want to tell me what the.
Speaker A:Is it?
Speaker A:No, no, but these are.
Speaker A:These are just, like, genuine questions.
Speaker A:Yeah, general questions.
Speaker A:Not genuine, but genuine.
Speaker A:And general.
Speaker B:General.
Speaker B:Generally genuine.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Do you like doing things with your hands?
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Do you like doing things outside?
Speaker B:Nah.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:This is why I don't have hobbies.
Speaker B:But continue.
Speaker B:I'm listening.
Speaker A:Do.
Speaker B:I'm sorry.
Speaker A:He just put the condom back on the microphone, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Do you like doing things with other people?
Speaker B:Sometimes, yeah.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Those things that you like doing with other people, when was the last time you did something that brought you joy?
Speaker A:And what was it that didn't involve sex?
Speaker B:I would say child.
Speaker B:Too long to think about to talk about that.
Speaker B:So I was like, I probably couldn't tell you the last time that was.
Speaker B:But no, I.
Speaker B:So, interestingly enough, like.
Speaker B:And this is really simple.
Speaker B:I have fun shooting people together on the fort.
Speaker B:Like, that's cool for me.
Speaker B:It's fun.
Speaker B:It's exciting.
Speaker B:It's not anything else.
Speaker B:Like, it's not a stress reliever for me.
Speaker B:I don't kind of align it with the idea of like, this is what I've been wanting to do all day to these customers on the phone.
Speaker B:Like, it's not that thing.
Speaker B:And I know that it can be for other people, but it's not that for me.
Speaker A:I love people over.
Speaker B:It is fun to do and it's fun to like have on the headset and to interact and to laugh and to talk shit and to do all those things.
Speaker B:So that's fun.
Speaker B:But from a space of like in person, like actually doing it, like with a live person.
Speaker B:It's been a while.
Speaker B:It's been a while.
Speaker B:And that.
Speaker B:And that's probably a thing too.
Speaker B:Like, because I do like things.
Speaker B:I'm a.
Speaker B:Like I'm terrible at bowling, but bowling is one of my favorite things to do.
Speaker B:I am a terrible bowler, but it's fun.
Speaker B:I like, there's something thrilling about putting on them big ass shoes and being out on the floor and like, not.
Speaker A:The big ass shoes, they're yours.
Speaker B:Well though, that's the thing, because I have a. I wear a size 14 shoe.
Speaker B:So think about that in a bowling shoe.
Speaker B:It looks literally like a clown shoe.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Did y' all hear that?
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen?
Speaker A:Size 14.
Speaker B:Hey, ask about me.
Speaker B:Let me stop.
Speaker A:Okay, so let me ask you this.
Speaker A:What.
Speaker A:What things do you like to do that are physical, that doesn't involve sex?
Speaker B:Look, because that's where my mind keeps going for whatever reason.
Speaker A:I know, I know I probably need.
Speaker B:To get laid as well, if I'm being perfectly honest about it.
Speaker B:Taking applications.
Speaker B:But I don't know.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:Like I said, I like bowling.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker B:I feel like I'm getting to that age where like, I want to like get me like a 5,000 piece puzzle and see if I can put it together.
Speaker B:But I also don't want to get to the point as to where I get that 5,000 piece puzzle and get about 200 pieces in and decide that I don't want to do this anymore.
Speaker B:And now I got.
Speaker B:Got all these puzzle pieces all over my floor.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Real.
Speaker B:So it's like I kind of straddled the fence about that.
Speaker B:And then I'm like, I have like, apparently like Legos is a thing for adults now where you can get like things that like, you make flowers and cars and all the little structures.
Speaker B:And so like, I've been considering that, but then I went on the website and I'm like, oh.
Speaker B:So, yeah, you got to know that.
Speaker B:You know that, you know, because this ain't cheap.
Speaker A:See, so here's, here's what I'm, I'm leaning towards.
Speaker A:I, I want to find a way to get you outside.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And get you some, Some of this good vitamin D that we need.
Speaker A:That, that doesn't involve sex.
Speaker A:I think the name of this episode, let's not involve sex.
Speaker B:I'm all about the vitamin D, baby.
Speaker B:Run it to me.
Speaker B:Run it to me now.
Speaker A:That is not part of your character.
Speaker A:Shout out to episode five.
Speaker A:But I, I, I, here's.
Speaker A:And here's why I say this, because you, you, you've ever heard that saying that, you know, like, when we need to, like, re.
Speaker A:Reground ourselves, we got to go outside and put our bare feet in some dirt.
Speaker A:Like, you have a lot, you do a lot of things that are inside.
Speaker B:True.
Speaker A:And this is, this is beautiful.
Speaker A:I mean, because, I mean, I do a lot of things inside.
Speaker A:I don't go outside.
Speaker A:If it wasn't for this dog, probably I wouldn't go outside now.
Speaker A:And I think that's kind of the same for you at this moment.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:For the most part, if.
Speaker A:And this is not me trying to, like, tell you what to do or anything like that, but maybe.
Speaker A:No, the listeners are, can even.
Speaker A:And here's another thing.
Speaker A:For all of you out there who are listening in, there are.
Speaker A:There's these things called comments.
Speaker A:If you, those of you who listen on Spotify, you can actually leave a comment, we would love to actually hear it, and we would read it aloud on the show.
Speaker A:We are building the social media.
Speaker A:I'm gonna be really serious about that.
Speaker A:It's taking some time, but just, just give us a moment.
Speaker A:We did say to episode 10, this is episode 8.
Speaker A:So we got two more.
Speaker A:And then you can start beating me down or Christopher down over it, but I want to see if there's any.
Speaker B:I can't get no word.
Speaker B:No, I'm just kidding.
Speaker B:Go ahead.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:He got a size 14 shoe, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Can't get.
Speaker B:I can't get.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Who, who they gonna swing at?
Speaker A:They can't fight me.
Speaker A:But, but it would be, it would probably be beneficial for you to, like, shut down all of your devices, all of your things, and go outside for a long experience for a long period of time and like, not just go outside, but just, like, find even like now as we're talking, put your device down because you do this.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:As you were talking you were fiddling with the.
Speaker A:The thing on the.
Speaker A:You know, you need to have something to do with your hands.
Speaker A:And I think that this.
Speaker A:This could help.
Speaker A:Like, least, you know, I did literally just say, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I'm also like, no, I don't want you.
Speaker B:I mean, I appreciate the suggestion.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:You become such a hermit.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I know, and I'm a hermit, so it's so comfortable here.
Speaker A:It's my space.
Speaker A:But what do you.
Speaker A:What would you.
Speaker A:What do you think attributes to you not wanting to be outside or go outside or pick up things or do things or be, like a man's man?
Speaker B:I felt better that you asked and that I didn't just have to, like, randomly provide unsolicited information.
Speaker B:But honestly, like, I hate where I live.
Speaker B:I do.
Speaker B:And that's just it.
Speaker B:And I don't know that there's any way to change it.
Speaker B:There's not really a lot that I can do about that.
Speaker B:Like, it's not like the worst place in the world.
Speaker B:It's not like a Podunk town where there's not, you know, whatever, Whatever.
Speaker B:It's just.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:It's like, I don't want to be here.
Speaker B:And so for me, I think it's the idea of.
Speaker B:It may just be until I find some.
Speaker B:Discover a way to be somewhere else, until I'm able to, like, really do things differently.
Speaker B:And that's unfortunate because, like, that's a position that I put myself in.
Speaker B:But, like, that's just what it is.
Speaker A:Then you know what the key answer.
Speaker B:To that is, right, child, is time to start moving.
Speaker B:It started working towards that move.
Speaker A:And you know how to do that.
Speaker A:We're moving towards the.
Speaker A:That.
Speaker A:You know, how we stop doing that, how we do that.
Speaker B:Say it, honey.
Speaker A:Stop spending.
Speaker B:I figured that's.
Speaker B:That we were heading in that direction.
Speaker A:I mean, well, this is.
Speaker A:At least.
Speaker A:This is important.
Speaker A:At least you know what's going on with you.
Speaker A:But it's just like, are.
Speaker A:Are you willing to actually make some changes about it and do something about it?
Speaker A:Since, you know, it's.
Speaker A:It's one thing to know, but it's another thing to not do.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:People ask me often, like, or make the suggestion, like, I have had friends that have said that I've had this conversation with.
Speaker B:They're like, yeah, you should get on Eventbrite and, you know, get some tickets and, like, Uber to a place and just do something and, like, explore and have fun and it's like.
Speaker B:It's a.
Speaker B:It's a cute idea.
Speaker A:Have you ever put it into action?
Speaker A:Have you ever put it into action?
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:No, I don't want to.
Speaker B:I'm just being real.
Speaker B:I don't want to.
Speaker B:And that's what it comes down to.
Speaker B:Like, I don't want to.
Speaker B:Like, I just.
Speaker A:Just.
Speaker B:I don't have it.
Speaker B:From Memphis.
Speaker B:God bless anybody that's from here.
Speaker B:God bless anybody that this your city.
Speaker B:If you love it, like, it's.
Speaker B:Your roots are in the ground with this place.
Speaker B:Like, God bless you and your belief system and how you look at it and how you feel.
Speaker B:I don't have it.
Speaker B:I. I never wanted to come back.
Speaker B:I've been ready to go since before I got here.
Speaker B:I'm ready to go now, and that's just what it is.
Speaker B:And it doesn't like.
Speaker B:And I'm not saying it in, like, a woe is me kind of way, because, like, like I said, I'm very comfortable.
Speaker B:Like, I'm very secure.
Speaker B:I'm very blessed.
Speaker B:I'm very fortunate.
Speaker B:I'm coming to you right now from a beautiful part of my brother's home.
Speaker B:It is my own personal chateau.
Speaker B:I have made it everything that I want it to be.
Speaker B:I can't ask for anything, but at the same time, I'm ready to go.
Speaker B:I really miss Houston.
Speaker B:I really want to go back to Houston.
Speaker B:A big goal of mine is to end up back in Houston.
Speaker B:And not to say that that's just going to make everything better and make everything different and completely reshape and reframe the way that my life was looks.
Speaker B:But I definitely think that it'll lay a solid foundation and put me in the place of, like, actively moving towards making some changes.
Speaker A:A change of environment.
Speaker A:A change of environment does help.
Speaker A:You know, you, You, You.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:You put yourself in such.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The same mundane routine when you stay in that mundane routine.
Speaker A:What if.
Speaker A:Crazy idea.
Speaker A:The next time you take.
Speaker A:Take a vacation, you literally just take a trip and go to this place that you want to go to and spend some time there.
Speaker A:Let that be the part that rejuvenates you to do or to get there.
Speaker A:Have you ever thought about that?
Speaker B:It's possible, though.
Speaker B:It's not without.
Speaker B:It's not.
Speaker B:It's not outside of reach.
Speaker B:I haven't thought about it, though.
Speaker B:I was gonna say another thing unrelated to this topic is.
Speaker B:And I did not select this topic so I could.
Speaker B:Trauma dump.
Speaker B:I just want to say that I'm starting to hear Myself.
Speaker B:And I just want to announce that that wasn't the point of my.
Speaker B:Like, let's do a mental health check in so I can tell you all about.
Speaker B:All the way that everything fucking sucks right now.
Speaker B:But no, because that's not what this is.
Speaker B:But also, and if it is, that's okay.
Speaker B:How I want to fucking and how I want to fuck a lot and how I want to fuck consistently and how I want to fuck one person and how I don't want to have to be in love to fuck, but I also don't want it to just be some random person that only wants one thing.
Speaker B:And how I want to have my cake and eat it too, in every sense of the word as it applies to fucking.
Speaker B:I really want.
Speaker B:It is so funny because for a while I told myself that I couldn't have it.
Speaker B:I didn't want to have it.
Speaker B:I didn't feel like it was the right thing for me because I was just too in my head telling myself all the reasons why I felt like I just couldn't limit myself to the idea of this thing.
Speaker B:But at this point, at this big age.
Speaker B:Hold on, I'm going to tell you because my computer is telling me I have a tracker.
Speaker B:I think I am 47 days away from being 41.
Speaker B:It might be 49.
Speaker B:Hold on, I've been tracking it.
Speaker B:Let's see.
Speaker B:Yep, 47.
Speaker B:I remembered correctly, we are 47 days away from 41 years old.
Speaker B:And with that, yeah, I want a FWB.
Speaker B:That does not mean that I like and I want it.
Speaker B:So here, a couple of things to note.
Speaker B:And we talked about these things here before, so it's not like I'm shying away from the topic.
Speaker B:Number one, colostomy bag.
Speaker B:No butthole.
Speaker B:So that means no verse sex.
Speaker B:The most I got on some dick is some mouth and you know, whatever, whatever.
Speaker B:But also colostomy bag.
Speaker B:So I have to feel comfortable and safe with you didn't want to disclose that as far as getting close enough to like get laid.
Speaker B:Because that's not no shit that you say to somebody on an app like, hey, yeah, you can come through, but just to let you know, I'm shitting into a bag over here.
Speaker B:You know, if that's your thing, cool, but it's not my thing, so.
Speaker B:No, it's okay.
Speaker B:Yeah, you can.
Speaker B:Sure you can.
Speaker A:I have.
Speaker B:And so I have.
Speaker B:So with that, it's like I just, I'm at a place now where it's like I, I want it, but I don't want to have to.
Speaker B:It's so funny.
Speaker B:Like, it goes back to what I was saying before.
Speaker B:It's like, I want it, but in this instance, I don't want to do what it takes to get it, because I definitely don't want to do anything to do with none of the motherfucker apps.
Speaker B:That's where I got to play picture games or deal with people asking me am I looking?
Speaker B:Or any of the things.
Speaker B:Because all that will make me be like, you know what?
Speaker B:Fuck it.
Speaker B:Let me pick the best lane.
Speaker B:I'm gonna do it.
Speaker B:I'll continue to make it five minutes, knock it out, maybe two, because people are annoying.
Speaker B:And it's like, so actively I'm putting it out into the universe, even if it's one of you listening.
Speaker B:I am actively, currently looking for somebody who is cool, who is mellow, who is chill, who is nice, who, even if you want a relationship, understands that right now in the midst of your singledom, that you don't necessarily have to be pursuing love right away.
Speaker B:It's okay to have fun.
Speaker B:It's okay to kick it with somebody and have your needs fulfilled in the meantime until you get to that place of seeking love with a person.
Speaker B:Because who knows?
Speaker B:Maybe somewhere down the line, it could turn into that.
Speaker B:Be a good kisser.
Speaker B:Love to get your dick sucked.
Speaker B:Be really good at sucking dick.
Speaker B:Have a clean hoe.
Speaker B:Cool.
Speaker B:I'm not a. I'm not.
Speaker B:Hey, you.
Speaker B:You don't even have to worry about the no fats, no femmes over here.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:I'm.
Speaker B:I'm open.
Speaker B:Hit me up one.
Speaker B:No, I'm kidding.
Speaker A:No, you're right.
Speaker B:Seriously, like, that's just where I'm at.
Speaker B:And it's like.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's like knowing that you want something so consistently and, like, not having any options for it and, like, longing for it.
Speaker B:It's like.
Speaker B:Because at one point, yeah, like, I can do the thing.
Speaker B:Five minutes for wipe.
Speaker B:Wipe it off and do the thing.
Speaker B:But it's like, I get to a point where it's like, I'm tired of that.
Speaker A:Like, come be me.
Speaker A:Let me be you.
Speaker A:But wait, let me ask you.
Speaker A:Are you looking for this to replace the first thing we talked about?
Speaker B:Because I just.
Speaker B:I just been.
Speaker B:Really one.
Speaker A:Okay, well, we're not.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:This is.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:All right, wait.
Speaker B:Two separate entities.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:You got me.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker B:You had to sit up in your chair.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker B:You had to sit up.
Speaker B:Oh, Lord.
Speaker B:I mean, wait a minute.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And so I speak on this.
Speaker A:On Behalf of someone who once, once upon a time, and still on occasion have a sex addiction.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And I used to use sex in a way to, that was sexy.
Speaker A:I used to use sex to mask everything else that I was going through, and I would do that.
Speaker A:And I'm not saying that this is doing what you're doing, but I, I, I recognize that what you, what it sounds like you want is.
Speaker A:Shut up, Philip.
Speaker A:Nobody's asking you to tell him what it is that he wants.
Speaker B:Say what you're thinking.
Speaker A:I mean, it's just, it's, it sounds like there's, there's a level of intimacy and a level, a level of, like, social interaction that you're missing that you can't get within the confines of your place.
Speaker A:And in order to do that, you have to do the one big thing, which is go outside.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Are you going to go outside?
Speaker B:Let's wait before we even get there.
Speaker B:Two things can be true because, but no two things can be true because that's some real, like, all of that.
Speaker B:That being said, like, no, I've just, like, really been, like, wanting to do nasty stuff with a person and, like, for that to be my person to do nasty stuff with and for us to, like, be, want to do nasty stuff with each other consistently.
Speaker B:Maybe not every day, but, like, you got seven days in a week, two to three, whatever works most conveniently for you.
Speaker B:It doesn't necessarily always have to be penetration.
Speaker B:Sometimes it could be a nice little.
Speaker B:Let's watch a movie.
Speaker B:And like, during the movie, somebody's nipple pops in the other person's mouth.
Speaker B:And now it's like, really high hot mutual masturbation session.
Speaker B:Like, whatever feels good.
Speaker B:Let's just go with the flow.
Speaker B:But yeah, like, yeah, I don't think I, I can say, and I haven't unpacked it that deeply, but I can say sincerely, I.
Speaker B:My desire for that is very carnal.
Speaker B:It doesn't have anything to do with the other, the other just being bored and being unfulfilled and not being satisfied with the way that things are.
Speaker B:Like, that's something that I'm actively, like, you know, striving and working and participating in different experiences to try to, like, curate an experience that makes it different from what it is.
Speaker B:But I think I'm also, like, come into that reality of, like, as much as I've been saying, like, oh, I'm not sexual or romantic right now, I'm ready to give one of those up.
Speaker B:Ready to, ready to put one of those to pasture.
Speaker B:We ain't got to be romantic.
Speaker B:But put it in my mouth.
Speaker B:Boom.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:It is the deep, intense, drawn out moment of silence for me as I stare into nothingness.
Speaker A:Okay, that's that, that is, that is, that is, that is where you are.
Speaker A:This is the mental health checking for each other.
Speaker A:You know, so like, okay, so when we check back in, let's say every eight episodes, we'll do a mental health check in.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Eight is a very weird number.
Speaker B:It's random as fuck.
Speaker B:But we're here, we're making it what.
Speaker A:We want it to be.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Because let's just say eight is infinite, the number of sign of infinity.
Speaker A:So it's just eight.
Speaker B:Eight.
Speaker B:The Lionsgate portal.
Speaker B:We just, we just went through that.
Speaker A:All right, and so like, let's see, what are the like, action steps that we are going to take in order to achieve both simultaneously and or individually.
Speaker A:Okay, let's start with the first one because we know what the second one can do and can be.
Speaker A:And you know.
Speaker B:Yeah, the biggest thing with the second one is that I got to a point and this is honestly why I have not been having sex.
Speaker B:I got to a point where I got tired of feeling like I was on call dick for somebody.
Speaker B:It was very, it was very much like, oh, well, when I'm.
Speaker B:When I'm horny, when it's convenient for me, when I'm in a position as to where I'm seeking something, or if I.
Speaker B:You need a itch scratch, I'll hit you up.
Speaker B:But like, from the space of like, consistent routine, regular, not even necessarily regular, because what does that look like if you're not in a relationship, but from the space of like, oh, well, I can hit you up with the same.
Speaker B:That wasn't, that wasn't an available thing.
Speaker B:Or we might not.
Speaker B:I might not ever get a hey, how are you?
Speaker B:Text, but I can get a what are you doing, do you want to fuck?
Speaker B:Type situation.
Speaker B:And I don't know, it started to feel cheap and meaningless and as, as if that was my only worth or value and I didn't want that.
Speaker B:So as much as I'm saying that I do have these desires to be for these specific things.
Speaker B:Like, I'm also not in a place of like, limiting myself to being somebody's optimistic project.
Speaker A:I do, I do, I do a thousand percent agree with that.
Speaker A:I, that was actually one of the issues that I had just recently came across.
Speaker A:And like, every single time we come in contact with each other, we don't have to have sex.
Speaker A:Yes, we have.
Speaker A:Great Sex?
Speaker A:Yes, We.
Speaker A:We make out and everything is fantastic, but there are just moments where I just want you just to come over and just chill with me.
Speaker A:We gonna just watch tv.
Speaker A:And that doesn't mean that all of a sudden my dick pops out and you need to put your mouth on.
Speaker A:On it.
Speaker A:No, just let my dick pop out.
Speaker A:Let your dick pop out.
Speaker A:We're not.
Speaker A:We don't necessarily need to.
Speaker A:For me, for pj Because I see.
Speaker B:Your face, because I was like, I hear what you're saying, but let that dick pop out.
Speaker B:And I'm sorry.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Whatever that.
Speaker B:Whatever that other thing was that you were saying, I. I don't even know how we got here.
Speaker B:It was.
Speaker B:It's out.
Speaker B:The next thing you know, I was swallowing it.
Speaker B:What are we doing?
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:And for me, that's attached to trauma.
Speaker A:So that's attached to experience.
Speaker A:That's attached to me feeling or me being in a relationship that was built on sex.
Speaker A:And once sex stopped because they.
Speaker A:We couldn't have sex anymore, we realized that there wasn't much left other than just the like.
Speaker A:And so, like, I want to know that you like me.
Speaker A:But, like, I like.
Speaker A:Even now, like, today, like, I want to.
Speaker A:I really keep looking at this clock and I'm like, you know, the gym is still open.
Speaker A:I should go.
Speaker A:But I'm not.
Speaker A:I'm gonna go to Domino's.
Speaker A:That's where I'm gonna go.
Speaker A:Actually, I'm not gonna go.
Speaker A:I've already ordered it, so it's on its way soon.
Speaker A:I just haven't pressed Enter yet because I'm not really sure.
Speaker A:But I think that we both need to take some time to really think about what it is that is most important for us before we move too.
Speaker B:Far, because I know.
Speaker B:I just don't want us to skate past this because this is something that's heavy on my heart.
Speaker B:I can like you, and we can actually definitely watch a movie without having sex.
Speaker B:However, if I'm open to.
Speaker B:No, no, no.
Speaker B:Take that back.
Speaker B:If I'm over.
Speaker B:Like, if I'm over to your place and we're kicking.
Speaker B:Kicking it, and you don't want anything sexual to happen, how about don't let your dick pop out?
Speaker B:Because for me, the way that my hormones are set up, I could have came over with no intention for anything sexual whatsoever.
Speaker B:I might have been able.
Speaker B:Trying to respect the idea that we were just hanging out today and there wasn't going to be anything sexual happening.
Speaker B:However, now that it's popped out and I see it I'm salivating.
Speaker B:It's like Yogi Bear with the.
Speaker B:The warm apple pie on the windowsill to cool and him trying to resist the temptation to go get it because he doesn't want the old lady to bash him over the head.
Speaker B:But he can't help it.
Speaker A:Get off.
Speaker B:No, don't let it.
Speaker B:Well, don't let.
Speaker B:Will they keep it in your pants?
Speaker B:Yo, it's my.
Speaker B:Yeah, well, keep it while I'm here as a visitor.
Speaker B:You said it mixed signals that I don't know what to do.
Speaker A:Well, as.
Speaker A:As a nudist.
Speaker A:That isn't.
Speaker A:You know, I'm sitting here trying to make every other reason why.
Speaker A:There have been.
Speaker A:There have been instances and we could talk about that offline, but I used to get really annoyed with them that, you know, it's just like, that's.
Speaker A:And I mean.
Speaker A:And then it would end up going that way and that's not what I wanted nor was I prepared for it.
Speaker A:So like, now if it's the other.
Speaker B:Way around, I get it.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:You know, I don't want you.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:I don't want to have to go through all of that.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:And even if it wasn't even the other way around, I just don't want to have to go through all of that in general because does the way my sex drive works, it's out of control.
Speaker A:And so I. I've done two bouts of celibacy before.
Speaker A:I've talked about this in other spaces, but like, so sex doesn't do the same as it does for me before as.
Speaker A:Now go ahead.
Speaker B:I guess I'm thinking just like, let's also be intentional.
Speaker B:Like if I came to play the game and we just over here playing the game and that's all that we supposed to be doing.
Speaker B:Maybe don't say, hey, hey, see this cool new way that I'm shaving my pubes?
Speaker B:Like, just like, maybe.
Speaker B:Maybe don't just put it like, hey, I've been dying to share this with somebody.
Speaker B:Like, and we met that we might be cool enough.
Speaker B:That might be our space.
Speaker B:But yeah, like, what else is going on there?
Speaker A:See, but that's different because there are.
Speaker A:There are people like myself who I can separate the two.
Speaker B:Right, but are those people that you're fucking?
Speaker A:I mean, but also everybody's not.
Speaker A:Everybody doesn't think and move the same way I do.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:Or you do.
Speaker A:So, like, I get that.
Speaker A:I get that.
Speaker A:This is why I choose to be alone in this moment.
Speaker B:No pressure, no judgment.
Speaker B:I'm Just.
Speaker B:I guess I'm just trying to understand because, like.
Speaker B:Because I'm still stuck on the fact that you said just because my dick pop out don't mean put it in your mouth like, what.
Speaker B:That's exactly what it means.
Speaker A:If I'm wearing these shorts that I'm wearing now, which are pretty short, my dick pops out.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:And I'm laying.
Speaker B:I get what you.
Speaker B:I get what you're saying.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:You're not saying, like, pop out like you pulled it out.
Speaker B:Correct.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:It pops out.
Speaker B:We're back.
Speaker B:Okay, so that's where the confusion was lying.
Speaker B:And that's why I was a little un.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:If it pops out, pops out, not pull.
Speaker B:We're back.
Speaker B:No more clarity needed, listeners.
Speaker B:I'm sorry, I just created a whole segment of the show that was unnecessary because I did not have clarity on exactly what pops out means.
Speaker B:Now that I know we're here and everything's okay.
Speaker B:Yeah, everything's fine.
Speaker A:I'm so curious to how many of you also thought that as well.
Speaker B:Because in my mind, I'm just.
Speaker A:Maybe it's just.
Speaker B:I'm not clear.
Speaker B:Like, if it pop out, then I'm gonna hop on it.
Speaker B:Like, what are we doing?
Speaker A:Doing.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:No, so.
Speaker B:But it's okay.
Speaker B:Pop pops out.
Speaker B:Like, slips out.
Speaker B:Like it kind of fell out.
Speaker B:Got you.
Speaker A:Peekaboo.
Speaker A:Peekaboo.
Speaker A:Sometimes you gotta pop out a show out, but, you know, it's just.
Speaker A:It just pops out.
Speaker A:I can't.
Speaker A:I can't control what I got, so.
Speaker A:And neither can they.
Speaker A:And it has popped out.
Speaker A:And I've been like, look at you.
Speaker A:Let's tuck you back in there, you know, so.
Speaker A:But anyway, well, this is turned in from a mental health check in to a sexual check in.
Speaker B:Well, you know, because it all.
Speaker B:It all interconnects.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:My mental health is connected to my sexual health, you know, And I definitely.
Speaker B:Get to a point of feeling like a raging bitch sometimes if I haven't satisfy my appetite.
Speaker A:And it's crazy as you say that, because I'm going back into my celibacy time because I need to reset.
Speaker A:I need a complete reset.
Speaker A:And I also need to restructure what it is that I want to do and create and make time for and where I see myself at.
Speaker A:Soon to be 45, you know, so, like, you know, I'm ready to date older men then in 10 years above.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:56.
Speaker A:So sorry.
Speaker A:55.
Speaker A:We can do something.
Speaker A:40.
Speaker A:40.
Speaker A:So five years younger, 10 years older.
Speaker B:What is that for me?
Speaker B:I Don't know, I feel like that's so limiting, especially the five years younger.
Speaker B:I feel like that limits which I guess it.
Speaker B:The older you get, the more sense it makes.
Speaker B:But yeah, I, I still connect.
Speaker B:Like if I connected with a 33 year old and we vibed and the, like, everything felt good, I think I would still entertain the conversation.
Speaker A:Not.
Speaker A:Not I said the cat.
Speaker A:Okay, we can vibe.
Speaker A:I will, I'll entertain it.
Speaker A:So, you know, for a nut, but that's all it's going to be nothing.
Speaker A:I'm going to take serious.
Speaker A:And that's just me at this ripe young age of 44, going on 45.
Speaker A:And for all you out there who says the same thing, oh, I'm old enough.
Speaker A:I'm mature for my age.
Speaker A:No, you're not.
Speaker A:You're the same age that everybody else were.
Speaker A:We always, we've all have been mature for our age.
Speaker A:You know, you're not mature for your age.
Speaker A:You just lived.
Speaker A:So anyway, this is not, I'm not scolding people today.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:This is get up at my face.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:But yeah, so check in with us in eight more episodes as we do another mental health check in.
Speaker A:I think that will go back to you again.
Speaker A:So I, I think we're doing if.
Speaker B:We'Re doing like on the even number roads.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's what I was about to say.
Speaker A:I think every even is your episode and every odd is my episode.
Speaker B:And while it was so funny, it was so funny the last time.
Speaker B:You were like, oh, like if it's not my week, can I please have this week?
Speaker B:And I was like, it's, it's your week, you're fine.
Speaker B:Because I don't, I don't remember what that was about, but like, you needed that.
Speaker B:I was like, here, you got it.
Speaker B:It's okay.
Speaker B:You're all good.
Speaker A:No, I knew it was my week then.
Speaker B:No, no, no, you were like at the beginning when we first started talking, you were like, if it's, if it's not my week, can I please have this week?
Speaker B:And I was like, it's fine, it's your week.
Speaker B:Yeah, you're good.
Speaker A:Okay, well, guys, thank you for taking the time to listen to another episode.
Speaker B:I feel like I don't need to do that enough.
Speaker B:Like, I feel like at one point the editing of it all kind of like started connecting in a way that made it as to where it was not necessary.
Speaker B:However, I am still very attached to that and I was, I have never been more than when we first came up with the name and realized that there was an acronym and realized that there were so many ways that we could play on that.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And in other news, before we go to the other shows that are presented out there that probably have been going on for some time that have a similar, if not the same name, we didn't copy this off of you.
Speaker A:We really literally thought we created Dead.
Speaker B:Ass and Google and Google and AI steered us completely wrong.
Speaker B:And we did it first searching for it.
Speaker B:There was nothing.
Speaker B:And then the day that we decided, like, oh, okay, we're gonna go ahead and go public five podcasts.
Speaker A:So, yeah, but you guys are.
Speaker A:You guys do what you guys do and we guys do what we guys do.
Speaker A:So just wanted to say that one.
Speaker B:Time and the guys are gonna keep doing.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker B:If you would like to find us on social media, you can do so on Instagram at Waitaweta.
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Acronym podcast.
Speaker B:So that is WAWITA Podcast.
Speaker B:If you want to send us an email, questions, comments, concerns, you can do so@wawita.castgmail.com that is WA WWE T A.cast Gmail.com.
