Navigating Parental Disapproval: A Deep Dive into Sexuality
Navigating the complexities of familial relationships can be fraught with challenges, particularly when it pertains to one's sexual orientation and the reception it receives from parents. In this episode, we delve into the profound difficulties faced by individuals who contend with unsupportive parental figures regarding their sexuality. PJ shares his personal narrative, providing extensive insight into his tumultuous experiences, while I endeavor to maintain a balanced discourse, ensuring we remain focused amidst the emotional depths of the conversation. This exploration reveals not only the intricacies of personal identity in the face of familial rejection but also seeks to connect with those who may find resonance in our experiences. How many of you can relate to these struggles? Let us engage in this vital dialogue.
In this episode we talk about the intricacies and difficulties that comes with dealing with an unsupportive parent when it comes to your sexuality. PJ goes into EXTENSIVE details about his experiences while Christopher tries to keep him from going off the deep end. How many of you can relate?
Let's Vibe!
Exploring the profound and often painful intersections of parental expectations and personal authenticity, this episode presents a raw and honest dialogue between PJ and Christopher. PJ opens up about his tumultuous relationship with his mother, whose rigid beliefs regarding sexuality have not only created distance but also a sense of inadequacy within him. The emotional weight of PJ's experiences is palpable as he recounts pivotal moments that have defined his path toward self-acceptance. Christopher's presence in the discussion acts as a grounding force, allowing for a more nuanced exploration of the topic without veering into despair. Together, they navigate the complexities of love, acceptance, and the longing for familial connection, all while acknowledging the harsh realities faced by many in the LGBTQ+ community. This episode is a poignant reminder of the importance of empathy and understanding in familial relationships and encourages listeners to reflect on their own experiences of love and acceptance, ultimately fostering a sense of solidarity among those who may share similar struggles.
Takeaways:
- Navigating the complexities of an unsupportive parental relationship regarding one's sexuality can be profoundly challenging and emotionally taxing.
- The journey to acceptance within familial dynamics often necessitates immense resilience and the capacity for personal growth over time.
- Communication between parents and children about sexual orientation is crucial but can be hindered by ignorance and deeply rooted beliefs.
- The experiences shared in this episode resonate with many who have faced similar struggles in seeking acceptance from their parents regarding their identity.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
You have therapy today?
Speaker B:No, I canceled it because I'm a broke ass bitch.
Speaker B:Yeah, he will see me in two weeks.
Speaker A:Optimus like, hey, are you gonna send a pay your pay your pay your Internet bill?
Speaker A:I was like, no, I switched to Verizon.
Speaker A:I'm so.
Speaker A:Because it's cheaper for now and I can deal with that another time if I ever choose to pay him.
Speaker A:But before we get started, how are you feeling?
Speaker B:I'm okay.
Speaker B:You know, it's been a long ass week if I'm being perfectly honest, but I am okay right at this moment.
Speaker A:Listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.
Speaker A:This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about and don't make any sense.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:This is a real, real conversation for real adults.
Speaker B:What's waita?
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:Listen to it now because you want to know what we're talking about.
Speaker A:What's up, gang?
Speaker B:What's up, sir?
Speaker A:And what's up to all you out there listening.
Speaker A:Welcome to the what Are We Even.
Speaker B:Talking about podcast, where every other episode we take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.
Speaker A:So the conversation is unrehearsed, authentic, and.
Speaker B:Most importantly, a safe space for friends to be vulnerable.
Speaker A:So get your favorite cocktail or mocktail and find out what are we even talking about, Period.
Speaker A:What's going on, everybody?
Speaker A:It's your boy, sir.
Speaker A:Pj, AKA pj.
Speaker A:Aka, you know, the big booty rump shaker.
Speaker B:Wowza.
Speaker B:And it is me.
Speaker B:It is I.
Speaker B:It is he.
Speaker B:King Christopher, AKA Christopher.
Speaker B:Never Chris, sometimes Daddy.
Speaker A:And you are here.
Speaker A:Welcome, guys.
Speaker A:Thank you all.
Speaker A:Thank you for taking the time to listen to another episode.
Speaker A:You guys are so awesome.
Speaker A:The feedback that we've been getting from you guys is beyond is.
Speaker A:We are just entirely so grateful for every last one of you guys.
Speaker B:I was walking in the mall the other day and I yelled out while we.
Speaker B:And I almost lost it.
Speaker B:No, I'm kidding.
Speaker B:I'm totally kidding.
Speaker B:Wouldn't that be amazing though?
Speaker B:Be walking in tomorrow and then somebody.
Speaker A:Be like, that would be so dope.
Speaker A:I will tell you this.
Speaker A:Something like that has happened to me one time before and living here in New York.
Speaker A: women podcast of the year in: Speaker A:And I was talking about podcasting to someone on the train to someone I have seen, and someone reached over, she said, your voice sounds familiar.
Speaker A:Is your name pj?
Speaker A:Oh, wow.
Speaker A:When I tell you the way I felt like a Starer.
Speaker B:We famous, Neil.
Speaker A:I told Blair, Blair said we made it there.
Speaker A:You know, that would be so awesome.
Speaker B:That is amazing.
Speaker B:No, I'm manifesting it now.
Speaker B:The next time I'm in the mall, it's going to happen.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:And here's the thing right now, this is episode seven.
Speaker A:I've been saying this every single episode.
Speaker A:I'm not going to say it anymore.
Speaker A:You know, I record re.
Speaker A:Record far in advance, but we haven't really built the social media yet.
Speaker A:And this is the seventh episode, so hopefully by 10 we'll start, like, having everything all together again.
Speaker A:This is a work in progress.
Speaker A:They're also bear with us as we go.
Speaker A:So, anyway, in other news.
Speaker A:How has your week been, my brother?
Speaker B:This was literally the week from hell.
Speaker B:And it's so funny because it's one of those things where you have to, like.
Speaker B:Do you ever get to that point?
Speaker B:So you have to, like, kind of, like, subtly remind yourself of the truth when you're, like, telling yourself lies.
Speaker B:Like, I would, like, tell myself that, like, the world is falling apart.
Speaker B:It's like, no, the world's not falling apart.
Speaker B:You're just overwhelmed.
Speaker B:Or I'd be like, oh, my God, I'm so tired and I'm so sad.
Speaker B:And it's like, no, you're just dealing with a lot right now.
Speaker B:You probably need to get some better rest.
Speaker B:I have to kind of, like, feed myself, like some subtle truce in the midst of me, like, kind of convincing myself that, like, everything's about to implode around, explode around me.
Speaker B:Implode is.
Speaker B:Implode is internal.
Speaker B:But it's one of those things where I just work was a lot, I think, having been off for the fourth and then coming back and then of course again, I work for an insurance company and people can't drive.
Speaker B:It's just.
Speaker B:It's an epidemic.
Speaker B:People cannot drive.
Speaker B:And then from there, it makes it a lot worse.
Speaker B:When there's an occasion for you to be outside in very high numbers, it makes it even worse.
Speaker B:So you can't drive, and now you're surrounded by a lot of other people that can't drive.
Speaker B:So there's just chaos.
Speaker B:That's bound to happen.
Speaker B:So, yeah, it was a lot.
Speaker B:But I decided for myself sometime earlier in the week that I was going to take off tomorrow because I need it.
Speaker B:So I worked really, really hard the last two days to get caught up so that I would not come into hell on Monday.
Speaker B:And I'm proud of myself because I was incredibly productive.
Speaker B:So it was the week from hell.
Speaker B:But I kind of made it up and like turned it into like the weekend from heaven.
Speaker B:Good for me.
Speaker B:How was your week?
Speaker A:My week was actually pretty good.
Speaker A:You know, celebrated my one of my best friends birthday shout out to you dez her 40 fine birthday as she is 49.
Speaker A:We love that.
Speaker A:And I've known her for 20, about 26 years.
Speaker A:You know, she's my ride or die and we did a boat ride throughout the city.
Speaker A:She was like, oh, I can't wait to see what you post about this.
Speaker A:And I like said, you know, to be honest with you, I, if you haven't noticed and anybody who follows me on social media, I've been posting less and less of my life and just more living my life.
Speaker A:And I've been enjoying separating myself from that because I have spaces such as this podcast that bring people into my life.
Speaker A:Let me keep some things for myself until I feel like I want to.
Speaker A:I'm tired of being the part where I got to share everything, you know.
Speaker A:Nah, some things are just for me and it's been, it's been better for me.
Speaker A:And even just now coming back from here, like we was having the conversation briefly.
Speaker A:I had made a stop at the studio before I started after I finished teaching.
Speaker A:And I never really realized it, but it makes you always think that people don't care.
Speaker A:They don't see you often or, you know, they don't think about you.
Speaker A:But like the outpour when people actually see you and are excited, like they miss you.
Speaker A:Like, I sometimes I have these abandonment issues and I really, this week has been like confirmation again that I'm okay.
Speaker A:It's all in my head.
Speaker A:It's all in my head.
Speaker A:That's awesome.
Speaker B:That's what's up.
Speaker B:Before I say the next thing that I was going to say, I do want to just randomly say, hey, Chris.
Speaker B:And then from there I will say that it's interesting that you say that because I had a.
Speaker B:So, you know, I've been doing the whole.
Speaker B:And I don't want to get too deep into it because I said I'm not going to talk about it publicly, but I just want to touch on it.
Speaker B:I had a very unique experience this week with somebody that I've kind of been in business with and from a professional standpoint that they showed up very unprofessionally for me.
Speaker B:Or is it unprofessionally?
Speaker B:Unprofessionally.
Speaker B:Unprofessionally.
Speaker A:Unprofessionally.
Speaker B:Let's go with that.
Speaker B:So they were very unprofessional and afterward, I found myself in a space of, like, having to sleep on it because I didn't want to be impulsive.
Speaker B:And then the next day I was like, you know what?
Speaker B:You got me up, and I don't want to be in business with you anymore.
Speaker B:But it's so interesting how since I've kind of taken a break from said business, there have been so many people reaching out to me, asking me, hey, where are you?
Speaker A:We miss you.
Speaker B:We need you.
Speaker B:Like, it's important that you come back.
Speaker B:Like, people are longing for what you have to offer.
Speaker B:And it's just been really nice to know that.
Speaker B:Beyond my thinking.
Speaker B:A lot of times I limit myself to the idea that even if you.
Speaker B:I listened to the first episode of this podcast recently, and I always kind of sell myself short in regard to thinking that I'm kind of small time and that I haven't really made a dent in any particular.
Speaker B:Particular space.
Speaker B:So I often think that, like, nobody really cares or nobody really pays attention to me, but, like, it's meaningful when you know that even on a small scale, even if it's just your compact little audience, that your voice matters and that people care and that people long for what you have when it's not present.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I can definitely relate to that.
Speaker B:Again, hey, Chris, it's the fact that.
Speaker A:That has nothing to do with what you just said.
Speaker B:Well, I opened that topic by mentioning that, and then I wanted to close it out by, you know, finishing with that because it's just very regent over here.
Speaker B:But, yeah.
Speaker A:What, you gonna leave my frat brother alone?
Speaker B:Listen, I'm not gonna go too deep, but, yeah, put them on a sandwich, put them on a cracker, spread them all around, whatever you want.
Speaker B:Like, it's all about it for me.
Speaker A:But, you know, I. I'm not even gonna lie.
Speaker A:I'm not even gonna lie.
Speaker A:I do.
Speaker A:I do appreciate that.
Speaker A:I don't have ugly friends.
Speaker A:So, like, you know.
Speaker A:Yeah, I guess.
Speaker A:I guess.
Speaker A:But, you know, stop treating him like a piece of meat.
Speaker B:Oh, I'm treating him like I want to buy him a ring.
Speaker B:Like, you don't understand.
Speaker B:Oh, but we ain't got to talk about it here, because.
Speaker A:Moving on.
Speaker B:Yeah, we ain't gonna talk about it here.
Speaker B:However, one more time, just in case you missed it, the first two.
Speaker B:Hey, Chris.
Speaker B:So I'm gonna go ahead now and while we're here, get into some this or that.
Speaker A:Press the mobile, and you.
Speaker B:Might be used to it by now, as we've done it a Couple of times.
Speaker B:But I'm going.
Speaker B:Just go ahead and, you know, fill it out.
Speaker B:So I want to ask you just a few questions and I only have a few today.
Speaker B:Silence or soothing music.
Speaker B:And this can apply to your downtime.
Speaker A:Oddly enough.
Speaker A:Silence.
Speaker B:I felt like you were going to say that.
Speaker B:I felt like you're going to say that.
Speaker B:Why?
Speaker B:I don't.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker A:Normally it's music.
Speaker A:Like music?
Speaker A:Yeah, Everything to me.
Speaker B:But lately pure silence, just silencing out the noise.
Speaker A:Normally I play the music to silence the noise, especially the noises in my head, but lately I've had such, like, a lot of clarity going on that there's not much.
Speaker A:There's not much traffic going in there.
Speaker A:Maybe it's like a little echo, like tumbleweeds flying by.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:But what about you?
Speaker B:I would say soothing music.
Speaker B:I love a little lo fi moment.
Speaker B:And I think it's because it helps me to feel settled.
Speaker B:I think a lot of times, like, I am, my mind can be very chaotic and I can get a little stir crazy and I feel like everything's kind of all over the place and jumbled.
Speaker B:Sometimes adhd.
Speaker B:And from there it's like, okay, let's just find something that we can kind of focus our attention on so we can settle our mind and not have to, like, you know, even if there are thoughts that are.
Speaker B:It's almost like meditation.
Speaker B:Like, even if there are thoughts that are still, still passing, you're kind of focusing in on this, you know, one sound and it's kind of helping you to feel a little bit more easeful.
Speaker B:So, yeah, that's the one for me.
Speaker B:But you know what?
Speaker A:Even though, like, the ADHD is out of control.
Speaker B:Listen.
Speaker B:Raging.
Speaker A:But lately, I don't know what it's been, but I've been channeling that ADHD to get shit done and listening to all of the voices whenever they're speaking, but they.
Speaker A:They haven't been speaking over each other.
Speaker B:That's awesome.
Speaker B:If my therapist ever heard me say that, he might tell me, you know what?
Speaker B:Therapy's over.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker B:You've succeeded at life.
Speaker B:I don't, because that's something that we talk about all the time, but I just have not mastered that yet.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker A:Good for you.
Speaker B:Next question.
Speaker B:Texting or deep conversations?
Speaker A:Deep conversations.
Speaker A:I'm sorry.
Speaker A:Stop texting.
Speaker A:Like, after a while.
Speaker A:What's up?
Speaker A:What do you want?
Speaker A:Call me.
Speaker A:Because my fingers, my thumbs are too big.
Speaker A:I'm tired of autocorrecting.
Speaker A:I'm tired of doing voice notes Sometimes I'm.
Speaker A:The sound effect just said yes.
Speaker A:Okay, let me turn this silence on for real again.
Speaker B:It depends.
Speaker A:I don't like this Apple update because all my notifications are going through and it's pissing me off.
Speaker B:Apple, y' all gotta do better.
Speaker B:But we'll get to that in a moment.
Speaker B:But no, I'll say it depends on the person.
Speaker B:I have a few people in my life that I just enjoy talking to.
Speaker B:It's just like, we just have a great chemistry.
Speaker B:We connect well.
Speaker B:Like, there's never a dull moment.
Speaker B:I don't have to worry about feeling like we have to fill spaces of awkward silence.
Speaker B:We just flow.
Speaker B:We're kind of on the same wavelength.
Speaker B:And I'll say there's probably about a nice handful of people that I can say of that about everybody else.
Speaker B:I'm not really a big fan of even attempting to have deep conversations with because I often find myself having to kind of like.
Speaker B:Like, search for things to talk about or, like, trying to keep the conversation moving because it's like, okay, so especially via phone conversation, because I'm so very intentional about the phone.
Speaker B:I'm like, I'm not calling you unless I have something very specific to say.
Speaker B:And once I've said it.
Speaker B:Yeah, like, once I've said it, it's like, well, okay, that's what I wanted.
Speaker B:Talk to you later.
Speaker B:Like, I'm not a very much.
Speaker B:Like, so.
Speaker B:But even take the phone out of it.
Speaker B:Like, even in person.
Speaker B:Like, I want to feel like I'm connected.
Speaker B:So I'll say deep conversation.
Speaker B:But in regard what you were saying, like, I have gotten so adjusted because my iPad has a keyboard, and then I have the MacBook, and then now I have the imac.
Speaker B:So everything has a keyboard.
Speaker B:So I. I don't even pick up my phone to text anymore.
Speaker B:I've been here typing away.
Speaker B:So sometimes texting.
Speaker B:But, yeah, let's have some deep conversation.
Speaker B:That's cool with me.
Speaker B:Let's see.
Speaker B:Ooh, now, this one is unique, and I don't think I've seen one like this yet.
Speaker B:So this is really interesting, and I wonder how quickly you'll answer.
Speaker B:Change your past or see your future.
Speaker B:I know.
Speaker A:Can you see your future?
Speaker A:Can you change it?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:It's like depression.
Speaker B:Depression or anxiety.
Speaker B:Which one do you want?
Speaker A:Yeah, right, right, right, right.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:As much as I don't want to regret anything I've ever done, I don't want to.
Speaker A:I don't want to know what's coming.
Speaker A:So I.
Speaker A:Let's just Change the past.
Speaker B:Same.
Speaker B:Absolute same.
Speaker B:Cut and paste.
Speaker A:Finally.
Speaker A:God, we've been doing this.
Speaker A:Yeah, I don't wanna.
Speaker A:Yeah, I don't want.
Speaker B:And one more.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:Let's see.
Speaker B:I'm trying to find a good one.
Speaker B:I'm scrolling through my list.
Speaker B:Ooh, this is fun.
Speaker B:Moonlight or Pose?
Speaker B:And for.
Speaker B:For.
Speaker B:For clarity, moonlight the movie or Pose the television series on fx.
Speaker A:I would say.
Speaker A:Okay, that's a tough one.
Speaker A:I would say pose.
Speaker B:I would say Moonlight.
Speaker B:But tell me why.
Speaker A:Go ahead.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And I normally.
Speaker A:Okay, so here's the thing.
Speaker A:Moonlight.
Speaker A:Love down.
Speaker A:Crazy backstory.
Speaker A:I feel like I've written parts of moonlight before, and it never came into fruition.
Speaker A:And it's like I gave it to the universe because I wrote the first two.
Speaker A:It was called Cipher when I wrote it.
Speaker A:And I remember seeing, sitting in the movie theater, I was like, what the fuck?
Speaker A:Who the fuck did I talk about this to?
Speaker A:And it was like, just almost scene for scene.
Speaker A:Like idea.
Speaker A:Drowning in water.
Speaker A:You know, it was telling three parts of a person's life.
Speaker A:Obviously, it wasn't you.
Speaker A:The only man that touched me, because it wasn't that.
Speaker A:But Pose because I live in New York, because I'm from New York, because I remember a lot of that.
Speaker A:I wasn't in ballroom back then, but I. I have a lot of friends who are present day, and I do.
Speaker A:I loved seeing them on television as well as.
Speaker A:Like, it was great for have that representation, even though it was very watered down.
Speaker A:But it was really important to tell the story of HIV on tv.
Speaker A:That's the reason why I would choose Pose.
Speaker B:I get that.
Speaker B:I did.
Speaker B:So I'll say this.
Speaker B:I thoroughly enjoyed Pose for what I saw of it.
Speaker B:I never went back and watched the third season.
Speaker B:To this day, I haven't watched the third season.
Speaker B:I feel like for some reason, there's something in me that made me feel like there was some.
Speaker B:Even just from clips that I saw, it made me feel like there was some form of decline.
Speaker B:And then also the idea that it kind of felt like they ended it too soon for it to have been such a dynamic show, for it to have had so much buzz, for them to have had so many nominations and awards and all the different things.
Speaker B:I get it.
Speaker B:Sometimes you get to a point as to where you feel like a story has been told and you don't need to keep it moving, but it just felt like three seasons wasn't enough.
Speaker B: s and then come back and do: Speaker B:But it's cool.
Speaker B:It wasn't my show.
Speaker A:But also, I mean, also.
Speaker A:I'll say also, like, as I was talking about, like, HIV before, you know, and the whole pray tell, and Ricky was very much myself and Clarence, like, it was a lot of similarities.
Speaker A:I cried at a couple of episodes.
Speaker A:So Sandra Bernhardt was amazing in it.
Speaker A:When it came down to that part, that's the only time I really mentioned a white woman.
Speaker A:And it was.
Speaker A:I, I.
Speaker A:She's, like, one of my favorite white women.
Speaker A:But I. Yeah, I. Yeah.
Speaker A:And again, we'll.
Speaker A:If y' all ever are interested in that, we'll get into that another day.
Speaker A:Maybe that's the conversation today.
Speaker A:Maybe that's not.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:I stopped my decision today.
Speaker A:It is not, apparently, thank God, because I wasn't ready.
Speaker B:It's not, however.
Speaker B:It's not, however.
Speaker B:She'll never not be Nancy from Roseanne to me.
Speaker B:But I think the reason that I say moonlight is just because I felt like moonlight was impeccable.
Speaker B:Like, the way that people rave.
Speaker B:And don't get me wrong, I love sinners.
Speaker B:I've watched it twice.
Speaker B:I'm probably gonna watch it again now that it's on.
Speaker B:What is now again?
Speaker B:HBO Max.
Speaker B:Because they changed it from HBO Max to Max, and now apparently, they're HBO Max, Bipolar.
Speaker B:But with that, I'm gonna watch it now that it's on HBO Max for a third time.
Speaker B:But the way that everybody raved about sinners and made it that 10 out of 10, no notes, you know, 98 on rotten tomatoes, all of those things.
Speaker B:That's how.
Speaker B:That's what Moonlight.
Speaker B:For me, moonlight was that movie as to where at the end of it, I felt like no notes.
Speaker B:This is literally one of the best movies that I've ever seen.
Speaker B:They couldn't have done anything better.
Speaker B:Like, it was impeccable for me.
Speaker B:So that's why I say Moonlight.
Speaker B:I think moonlight just held a special place for me.
Speaker B:Yeah, that's what I got on this or that.
Speaker B:What do you have for us?
Speaker A:You know, I wasn't gonna do this, but now that you brought it up and I think we.
Speaker A:I think I've gotten away from it for a second.
Speaker A:So it is time for, you know, let's take a little step back, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:It is time for us to what?
Speaker A:Do better.
Speaker A:Wait, what was that thing that you brought up earlier?
Speaker B:You Know.
Speaker B:I don't know.
Speaker A:You know, adhd, we be forgetting.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And speaking of forgetting, okay, now this is for me.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:This has been brought to you by Pad.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:If you can't.
Speaker A:If you have a hard time remembering, okay, do better.
Speaker A:Keep notepads around.
Speaker A:Keep sticky pads.
Speaker A:Do whatever it is that you need.
Speaker A:It helps.
Speaker A:I mean, listen, there's.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker B:That's a bad.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's over here.
Speaker A:So it's time.
Speaker A:It's time for us to actually really start taking responsibility for what it is that we do.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Now on the second note, second time, ladies and gentlemen, words mean things, okay?
Speaker A:Let's learn definitions.
Speaker A:Let's learn how to use them.
Speaker A:One of my.
Speaker A:One of the prophets of the 90s, Mr. Steve, Stefan Urkel, and his cousin, Steve Urkel, Stephen Urkel, okay, said one important phrase to me.
Speaker A:Pronouns are our friends.
Speaker A:They help move sentences along.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:No one pronounces me for a while, but he's like, pronouns and adjectives are our friends.
Speaker A:Like, can we learn how to use words?
Speaker A:Can we learn how to effectively.
Speaker A:And if you don't know, ask, Stop.
Speaker A:You know, some of us are just acting like we know where.
Speaker A:What we talking about and don't know.
Speaker A:All right?
Speaker A:So let's just take a beat for a second.
Speaker A:That.
Speaker A:That.
Speaker A:That word don't mean that, baby.
Speaker A:All right?
Speaker A:And maybe.
Speaker A:Okay, okay.
Speaker A:Let me be a little nicer.
Speaker A:Nah, that.
Speaker A:Let's do better, okay?
Speaker A:I am tired.
Speaker A:I am so sick and tired.
Speaker B:I wish y' all could see his.
Speaker A:Face coming into public spaces without brushing your teeth.
Speaker A:Oh, putting deodorant on.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:Or just washing your ass.
Speaker A:Why am I standing in line smelling you?
Speaker A:Why am I walking past you?
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:Should I.
Speaker A:The only thing I need to smell is your cologne and your perfume or your oils, whatever it is.
Speaker A:I don't need to smell other things.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:We've already had an episode about, like, you know, things that go plop in the night.
Speaker A:Let's not have it go plop during the day while.
Speaker A:And still be on you while you walk around here looking and smelling like, let's do better.
Speaker A:And lastly, since I can't remember what was said earlier and I'm still trying to ramble on so I could try to remember.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker A:We're just.
Speaker A:Let's do better with taking time for ourselves.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker A:Let's just.
Speaker A:Let's just really step away from social media.
Speaker A:Let's stop acting like we got to do everything For.
Speaker A:For the gram or for tick tock?
Speaker A:And how about we just do for you?
Speaker A:Just live for yourself.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker A:I think that's what it was.
Speaker A:I think that's what I was saying.
Speaker A:It could be.
Speaker A:When we hear this back, it could very well not be, but let's do better, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:The world don't need to know every.
Speaker A:Remember how back in the day, Facebook used to be like, yo, everybody used to post pictures of their food and all this other stuff?
Speaker A:I feel like we're getting back to that.
Speaker A:Let's get away from that again.
Speaker A:Live your life, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Yeah, that's all I got for now.
Speaker A:This is a deep breath because I see you right now.
Speaker A:You seem excited, so I am king.
Speaker A:Let me ask you, what are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Wahwe Ta.
Speaker B:I'm so grateful that you asked.
Speaker B:And I just wanna let you all know, as I have already let Sir PJ know, that this is the first thing that I thought about when I woke up this morning.
Speaker B:And it's so interesting when your mind just brings you to a place of, like, distinct clarity.
Speaker B:Like, I've never, in all the time that we've been doing this, like, we've been doing it for years, but in all the episodes that we've had up until this point, as to where it's been my week to select the topic, I've never.
Speaker B:I'm generally.
Speaker B:And I'm gonna be perfectly honest with y', all, sometimes there have been maybe once or twice where I'm like, okay, I know I'll prepare it, like, earlier in the day so I can be prepared.
Speaker B:But sometimes we'll be sitting here and I'll be kind of like, why he's doing his, you know, his segment in the intro or whatever's going on, I'm like, okay, we're gonna talk about this this week.
Speaker B:But today I woke up and this was the first thing on my mind.
Speaker B:And it was so unique and interesting to me because I was like, oh, this is going to be perfect.
Speaker B:Because I know for certain, based on conversations that we've had, based on things that he's mentioned here, that PJ is going to be able to relate to this.
Speaker B:So for this week, our conversation is going to be about challenging relationships with parents.
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:He wasn't ready.
Speaker A:I was not ready.
Speaker A:But I'm ready.
Speaker A:I'm ready.
Speaker A:There's an opportunity.
Speaker A:There's a chance for growth.
Speaker A:In case the lady listens.
Speaker A:I doubt she will because we say too many curse words that's a real thing.
Speaker A:That's a real thing.
Speaker A:But I'm here for it.
Speaker A:I'm here.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I'll go first because I feel like I won't have as much to say.
Speaker A:Just being real, but.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So just so we're clear, this is.
Speaker A:This isn't the get back, right?
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker B:No, no, I'm still working on that.
Speaker B:But with that.
Speaker B:So I tell people all the time, people, anybody, any of my friends that knew my mother and knew her prior to her passing, I'll say within those last several years, people always admired how incredibly close we were and how incredibly kind and loving she was and just how, you know, great of a person she was.
Speaker B:She was a beautiful person.
Speaker B:Very kind, very loving, very giving, very beautiful spirit.
Speaker B:And even now, I'm not in any way attempting to say anything disparaging about her.
Speaker B: e, my mother did pass away in: Speaker B:But I always tell people it took, I felt, and this was my belief system, it honestly took for me to be diagnosed with cancer, for us to kind of get to the place of being as close as we were prior to that.
Speaker B:I always felt like I was this major disappointment.
Speaker B:My mom had me at 15, so we kind of grew up together.
Speaker B:I definitely believe that while she was a great mother, while she loved us, I think that being that she was so young, having kids back to back, that she lost certain parts of her childhood and she was still kind of learning to live and to be an adult and figure out things for herself, you know, at a very young age, even up until certain ages.
Speaker B:Because like, for me now I'm 40 years old.
Speaker B:When my mom was 40, I was already 20.
Speaker B:So to think about that 20 years ago, my mom was still kind of in the same place as I am right now.
Speaker B:So, like, just thinking about how that looks and how that shows up for somebody that kind of had to take on a lot of responsibility and had to get to a point of like, kind of quickly figuring things out because you have no other choice.
Speaker B:It's like I've taken on this ownership, this role of mother.
Speaker B:I'm going to keep these children, I'm going to raise these children.
Speaker B:I'm going to make sure that they're fed and that they're well and that they're taken care of.
Speaker B:I think it kind of does something for a person.
Speaker B:And in a lot of ways, I kind of being that hyperactive kid, you know, ADHD that misdiagnosed for a long time, kind of being treated with Medication, put in special education classes, just because that's all they knew to do at a young age when it came to that.
Speaker B:But just very bouncy and very easily distracted and very head in the clouds and very.
Speaker B:Just kind of wasn't really focused on the things that were going on around me because I think my interests were just always elsewhere.
Speaker B:I loved art and I loved music, and I just kind of always wanted to be doing something that was artistic.
Speaker B:And I don't think that it was really understood.
Speaker B:But because of those things, I was in trouble a lot.
Speaker B:I was in trouble a lot.
Speaker B:I was in trouble a lot.
Speaker B:And outside of being in trouble a lot, I got really, really bad grades in school.
Speaker B:It's funny, because people know me for being intelligent, but people don't often know that, like, I was flunking out of middle school and high school.
Speaker B:I had to repeat the eighth grade.
Speaker B:I dropped out of high school two times before, nine years later getting a GED and then going back to college.
Speaker B:So I think a struggle area for me was that I just always felt like I was this disappointment, that I was always kind of being disciplined in some way.
Speaker B:You're on punishment, or you can't do this, you can't do that, because, you know, I was always in these spaces where there was something going on that I was doing wrong or that I wasn't doing something I was supposed to do.
Speaker B:And then once I came to realize that, you know, I was attracted to men, and, you know, as I got older, I became sexual for men.
Speaker B:I think my mother, growing up as a Park family, where, you know, a lot of times people will apply religion to it.
Speaker B:A lot of times people would just apply lack of understanding or experience to it.
Speaker B:But there was a great deal of ignorance.
Speaker B:And I think that based on that ignorance, it created a tremendous divide between us for a really long time.
Speaker B:I remember the very first time I came to my mom and told her that I thought I was bisexual.
Speaker B:She told me, you could have kept that to yourself.
Speaker B:I was 16.
Speaker B:At 18, I ran away from home.
Speaker B:And once I came back, she asked me was I doing drugs.
Speaker B:I told her no.
Speaker B:She asked me was I having sex.
Speaker B:I told her no.
Speaker B:And then I came back and I told her.
Speaker B:I broke down crying and I told her, yeah, I've had sex.
Speaker B:She asked me if it was with a man, and I told her yes.
Speaker B:And she asked me if I believed in God.
Speaker B:And I told her I didn't know.
Speaker B:And she punched me in my.
Speaker A:And what do you mean?
Speaker B:What do You.
Speaker B:What do I mean?
Speaker B:What, what do I mean by she punched me?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:She bust me in my.
Speaker B:And okay, mom.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Cause you're not gonna.
Speaker B:Not you.
Speaker B:You don't know if you believe in God.
Speaker B:You don't know if you believe in God.
Speaker B:Not in this house.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So, and then like there were times even beyond that where I was still living in the household, even though I was of legal adult age, where she would tell me she didn't want me bringing certain friends around because she didn't want them to be an influence on my younger siblings or that, you know, if, if I was coming, if I wasn't going to be in by a certain time, that I needed to stay out.
Speaker B:And then like, she just kind of got into this place where she felt like every problem that I had in my life was because I was gay.
Speaker B:Like anything that I could possibly have that was an issue in my life was in some way associated to the fact that I was a homosexual.
Speaker B:Your credit wouldn't be so messed up if you weren't out there trying to fuck men.
Speaker B:Like, she wouldn't say things like that, but like, that was kind of what I took away from a lot of the things that she said because like, that was just our experience.
Speaker B:The one thing that I tell everybody is that as much as people, as it applies to Christianity, will try to make you believe that that's what, that creates their level of ignorance, that that's what creates their hate.
Speaker B:I can say sincerely that I know and, ugh, I'm not gonna get emotional.
Speaker B:I can say sincerely that I know that my mother, my mother taught me that as she grew in God that she understood so much more, that no matter what that God is love.
Speaker B:I generally, I'll say probably over the past, over the, during the last 10 years of her life, watched my mom go from having very misguided, very uninformed opinions about sexuality and about, you know, anything to do with homosexuality to asking questions and seeking to understand things and being more open minded about things and then even asking me questions about things that she had heard or that she had read on Internet.
Speaker B:We could laugh and talk about things and she even made gay friends.
Speaker B:Like, I know that my mother loved God and that she was growing closer to God because she under.
Speaker B:Learned to understand that we're all just people and that as a person who loves God, that your number one responsibility is to love other people.
Speaker B:And so it got to a point as to where like one of my ex boyfriends, up until the day my mom died they were texting, and we have been broken up for years.
Speaker B:That's how close they had become and how much of a relationship that they had formed together.
Speaker B:All of my friends, whenever my friends would come into town, my mom would cook feast because, you know, she just understood that, like, this is.
Speaker B:His friends are here and they are a part of the family.
Speaker B:These people have become a part of our family.
Speaker B:And it was such a unique experience to know where she came from to where she ended up as it applied to that.
Speaker B:But I can definitely say that it took a lot of time.
Speaker B:It took a lot of growth.
Speaker B:It took a lot of healing.
Speaker B:It took a lot of really, really rough lessons to be learned.
Speaker B:But we finally got to that place where it was just like, things were better.
Speaker B:And I could say a lot more if we had more time.
Speaker B:I would definitely sit and unpack a lot of things.
Speaker B:But I can definitely say for me that those were some of the more extreme challenges faced, was just knowing that she didn't always see it or understand it or maybe even have a appreciation for the fact that I was who I was despite my sexuality, and that it didn't make me any less or different or worse than anybody else because it was a part of who I was as a person.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I wanted to go ahead and get that out of the way because I feel like you, you got some things on your heart there.
Speaker B:W A W E T A DOT podcast or WAWITA Podcast.
Speaker A:I have a lot to say about this topic, and I want to give a disclaimer before I give anything.
Speaker A:I love my mother.
Speaker A:You know, I care deeply for the man who raised me as his son.
Speaker A:You can say I love him too.
Speaker A:I respect my mother.
Speaker A:I respected my dad.
Speaker A:I, I, I'm not gonna get emotional.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:But here's what I will say.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:I am so envious still of people such as yourself who can have a story like that with their mom.
Speaker A:I don't have that.
Speaker A:If she was to ever listen to this.
Speaker A:I do know that there are family members of my, my, on my mom's side that do listen to this show and say what you want, say how you feel.
Speaker A:Understand that the words and emotions that are coming out of my mouth are from my perspective and my journey alone.
Speaker A:And I think a lot of people have a problem when they overstep or where they try to tell you how you should feel, but they were not there.
Speaker A:They didn't experience things like that.
Speaker A:You know, my mother is, we raised in Brooklyn.
Speaker A:We were not raised Religious.
Speaker A:My mother growing up was a bit of a tomboy.
Speaker A:Growing up.
Speaker A:She played basketball.
Speaker A:She was really great at it.
Speaker A:Like she played basketball in, in high school.
Speaker A:I don't think she played for Brooklyn College.
Speaker A:She played softball.
Speaker A:She was really great at that.
Speaker A:She played for her law firm.
Speaker A:She never really dressed girly.
Speaker A:My mother wasn't that type of girl.
Speaker A:Growing up.
Speaker A:My mother had a gay best friend.
Speaker A:And growing up, you are raising a child who you can look at him and say he's quite effeminate, you know, like, there's no doubts about a lot of my pictures.
Speaker A:My legs across, you know, I'm just doing all of, look at her, all of the poses, all of the things.
Speaker A:I had such a attitude.
Speaker A:I, I, I was a star, star before I was a star, you know.
Speaker A:And I can remember when I was like trying to figure things out and I, you know, it's around the same time, I think I was like 15 and I asked her, what do you feel about homosexuality?
Speaker A:I remember she was in the kitchen.
Speaker A:We had moved to Jersey and around this time my mother found Jesus, moved from Brooklyn to Jersey.
Speaker A:My mother changed, like did a complete 180.
Speaker A:All of a sudden, all of the things that we used to do.
Speaker A:I used to go to the store to get her wine.
Speaker A:Cougars.
Speaker A:That never happens, you know.
Speaker A:But I remember asking her, how did she feel?
Speaker A:And she told me, well, the Bible says that it's a sin and you're going to hell.
Speaker A:So I believe that if you're a homosexual, you're going to go to hell, you're going to burn.
Speaker A:And that was just, you know, damn, the first conversation.
Speaker A:The first time I ever even like had the audacity to ask, you know, it just was so aggressive.
Speaker A:And I closed, I closed, I shut down after that.
Speaker A:You know, I've never really been able to have friends.
Speaker A:And I'll even.
Speaker A:Let's fast forward a bit maybe about, like I want to say about 10 years ago, I've talked about this in the last episode.
Speaker A:We talked about friendship.
Speaker A:One of my persons who I consider my friend during that time came to the hospital with me when she was in the hospital.
Speaker A:And he came for support and he sat there and like he was a good friend in those kind of instances.
Speaker A:But really there were moments where it just seemed like he did those things to say that he did them because he would bring them back up in your face.
Speaker A:And she looked at him with the most devious devil look.
Speaker A:I'm like, mom, this is, this is just a friend.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:I don't.
Speaker A:I don't care who he is to you.
Speaker A:Well, he's here to, to support you and support me.
Speaker A:You know, you're in the emergency room.
Speaker A:We don't know what's going on.
Speaker A:I was panicking.
Speaker A:He popped up and he was just sat in the emergency room with us for like, like three hours before he just said, you know what?
Speaker A:I'm gonna go.
Speaker A:Let me know how things turn out.
Speaker A:And I appreciated that.
Speaker A:But it's just like, I can't even have friends.
Speaker A:I. I just.
Speaker A:There have been moments where me and my mom used to be best friends.
Speaker A:My mother is.
Speaker A:My mother is silly, just like I am.
Speaker A:I get a lot of my.
Speaker A:I get a lot of my personality from her.
Speaker A:I'm a worry word like her.
Speaker A:I care about people in the way that she does.
Speaker A:I learned really quickly that my mom is a fault finder.
Speaker A:So her love language is pointing out your flaws.
Speaker A:And one of my biggest flaws is the fact that I'm gay or that I sleep with men.
Speaker A:You know, And I've been in situations where my first partner was passing away and he was in the hospital, and we were, we were.
Speaker A:The doctors were counting down, like cancer was taking his life, and we were, you know, going through it.
Speaker A:And my mother came to the hospital and prayed for him.
Speaker A:And in her prayer, she prayed that his soul does not burn in hell for being a homosexual.
Speaker A:Now digest that for a second, right?
Speaker A:Like, you have to leave.
Speaker A:You have to go.
Speaker A:And I think from that moment on, our relationship took a dark, dark, dark turn.
Speaker A:And granted, when he passed away and his family kicked me out because we were living on the third floor because we were trying to save money.
Speaker A:So we moved away from our apartment and lived in his family's three family home on the third floor.
Speaker A:The night that he passed away, his family said his father specifically, but it came from his mother, who was a libra at that evil, said that, you know, I can't live here no more.
Speaker A:Even though I was the one that helped and found out that he had cancer.
Speaker A:And I was the one who was doing everything and took care from every single day, day in and out, going to, sleeping at the hospital, sleeping on the bench outside, because that, because back then, this is before gays were allowed to do things.
Speaker A:And so she.
Speaker A:When he died, I went back to the house and I was mourning.
Speaker A:Like, really, I was sleeping my car a lot down the street or whatever, and I would come in the house.
Speaker A:And then one day she was like, you know, you can't live here if you're going to be this way.
Speaker A:And I'm like, then I, I, I'll just go, I'll just, and I, I would, I, I'm not trying to attack her because again, I love my mom and I wish that she can see me for who I am and not wait until, God forbid something happens to me, that other people tell her the impact or the kind of person that I am, or something happens to her where now she's starting to finally see all of these things.
Speaker A:Because, like, as you were talking, I was taking my notes, right?
Speaker A:And like, my mom.
Speaker A:Is that New York?
Speaker B:It's definitely New York.
Speaker B:I was just giving you a moment.
Speaker B:I didn't want to say hello while you were talking, but hello, New York.
Speaker A:What is that?
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:They're doing work on the main street here.
Speaker B:That's okay.
Speaker B:I don't, I don't think it's that disruptive.
Speaker A:They're doing repaven, repavement of the roads.
Speaker A:Okay, anyway, cut, cut, cut, Put, put, put that together.
Speaker A:What was the last thing I said?
Speaker A:I'm sorry.
Speaker B:You were saying you hope that people don't have to tell her, like, God forbid something happened to you, and now people have to, like, kind of tell her how amazing of a person you.
Speaker A:Were, you know, not, and not to say it like that, but I appreciate you even saying that.
Speaker A:But like, there feel like she.
Speaker A:The first thing I wrote on here is one of the things that bothers me the most.
Speaker A:Remember when the Pulse nightclub happened?
Speaker A:We were sitting in my grandmother's house, and I was sitting on the couch, and she was sitting at the kitchen table with my grandmother, and they were talking and it was on the news.
Speaker A:And my mother said, well, that's what happens when they're outside doing what they're doing.
Speaker A:You know, like, that's, that's what they get.
Speaker A:It is a sin.
Speaker A:And I'm sitting here like, you know, that could have been me there.
Speaker A:You know, that could have been my brother, your other son there.
Speaker A:And like, these are the things that I wish that I'm not asking for her to, like, you know, accept me and be like a fag hag.
Speaker A:Mom, I would never, I, I, I could never see that happen, to be honest, honest with you.
Speaker A:But I just wish that she would see me as a full person.
Speaker A:Like, I can talk to her about, like, you know, she would hit me up.
Speaker A:She's like, what's going on, son?
Speaker A:I'm like, I can't tell you.
Speaker A:You don't want to Hear what's really going on with me.
Speaker A:You don't want to hear how I've been lonely.
Speaker A:You don't want to hear about me dating somebody and you know, who.
Speaker A:Can I talk.
Speaker A:I have never been able to talk to either of my parents about this, you know, about things that I was going through romantically, even, like, friendships.
Speaker A:You know, if they were friends and they were gay.
Speaker A:She don't want to hear nothing about it.
Speaker A:You know, even when I pledge, she thought that all the.
Speaker A:Oh, so they're all gay, huh?
Speaker A:So you just want to be around a bunch of men, huh?
Speaker B:Like, your whole line.
Speaker B:Your whole line was gay?
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:It was just me, number one.
Speaker A:I was the only one to cross.
Speaker A:But, like, y' all the ones who took me out of gymnastics because you thought it was too gay and put me in football in the locker room with a bunch of naked men.
Speaker A:Make that make sense.
Speaker A:You just sped up the process, to be honest with you.
Speaker A:But I.
Speaker A:You know, I really.
Speaker A:I realized that my mom serves a God of fear.
Speaker A:That is loud.
Speaker A:It's not bad, okay, Because I just took the headphones off, like.
Speaker A:Like, okay.
Speaker A:So I realized that my mom serves my.
Speaker A:My mom serves a God of fear, like, and we serve two different gods, you know?
Speaker A:Now I will say that she has started therapy.
Speaker A:I don't know what she talks about in therapy.
Speaker A:I don't talk to her about therapy because that is for her to open up to me about therapy.
Speaker A:We have had a moment, and.
Speaker A:And it was like a Tyler Perry kind of Hallmark movie.
Speaker A:On Christmas Day, y', all, on Christmas Day in Savannah, Georgia, I.
Speaker A:You know, my brothers and sisters called me from my father's side, and I wanted to pass around the phone and hand it to everybody.
Speaker A:And there was, like, their first time actually speaking to them and seeing them, and nobody wanted to speak to them, so that hurt my feelings.
Speaker A:And I also had, like, a little bit of a microdose, like a mushroom, and a little bit of inedible.
Speaker A:So, you know, it just amplified all the feelings that I was having.
Speaker A:And I cried.
Speaker A:I left out.
Speaker A:I'm leaving out a bunch of the drama because y' all don't need to know all of that at this moment.
Speaker A:And it.
Speaker A:What ended up happening was me and my mother are outside, and she's like, what's going on with you?
Speaker A:I said, you know, you.
Speaker A:Right now, you are at the center of this.
Speaker A:I do not want to speak to you right now.
Speaker A:I just need to go.
Speaker A:Came.
Speaker A:I was like, what was that all about?
Speaker A:And I just started.
Speaker A:I said that.
Speaker A:Why didn't you protect me?
Speaker A:Because the man who raised me was abusive.
Speaker A:You know, I wasn't his son.
Speaker A:But, you know, I. I also had to change my last name to become part of the family that already existed seven years prior to my brothers being born.
Speaker A:You know, and.
Speaker A:And there's a lot of feelings that I do harbor, and I do.
Speaker A:When I talk to my therapist, my mother and father are.
Speaker A:Are major.
Speaker A:I'm just dropping.
Speaker A:They are a major part of what I got going on internally.
Speaker A:But I will say this, and this will wrap up me in my long soapbox, and you just start asking questions, and we can go back and forth.
Speaker A:I did have a conversation with my dad on his deathbed that helped my father.
Speaker A:We had.
Speaker A:I wasn't speaking to both my parents for about 11 years.
Speaker A:And, I mean, I'll speak to them, but not, like, come by, sit, hang out, you know, And I.
Speaker B:Ladies and.
Speaker A:Gentlemen, I. I'm not even gonna say what Christopher is doing right now.
Speaker A:He's thinking, I'm going, like, off the deep end.
Speaker A:So he's texting me all these things to make me laugh.
Speaker A:My mother was a real and a.
Speaker B:Chunky and a chunky.
Speaker A:And a chunky.
Speaker A:Oh, my God.
Speaker A:That's from a movie.
Speaker A:My mother was not a whore.
Speaker A:Oh.
Speaker A:Or a junkie.
Speaker A:So wait, now where was I?
Speaker A:So he was like, you know, I. I.
Speaker A:Okay, we're.
Speaker A:And we're back.
Speaker A:So I walked into the hospital.
Speaker A:My mother was calling me, and she's like, you know, you need to come to the hospital.
Speaker A:Your father, he's going to the doctor.
Speaker A:I'm like, and he just having a hip surgery.
Speaker A:Like, he's good.
Speaker A:Like, I don't need to see him.
Speaker A:Like, I'm good.
Speaker B:You.
Speaker A:You tell me if he.
Speaker A:If he survives.
Speaker B:That's all.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:You know, whatever.
Speaker A:And come to find out.
Speaker A:I got to the hospital, she sat me down, and that's when she told me that he had.
Speaker A:His Hodgkins had come back.
Speaker A:And I was like, okay, okay.
Speaker A:What do you want me to do?
Speaker A:So I go upstairs and see and speak to him, and I walked upstairs, and I walked into that hospital room, and he was in the hospital bed.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker A:I. I would never have known that I was gonna cry and feel all of those feelings.
Speaker A:And what made it palatable for me was he looked at me, and he looked at me, and he looked at the nurse, and he said, that is my firstborn son.
Speaker A:Me.
Speaker A:And this man has some serious issues, but I love Him.
Speaker A:I love my gay son.
Speaker A:He had never said that before.
Speaker A:And my mother went out to get some coffee and him and I sat, we talked.
Speaker A:And I won't tell a lot of the personal business that he shared with me, but this is what has helped me.
Speaker A:He had admitted a lot of his faults.
Speaker A:How he raised me was due to his lack of upbringing, about how he knew how to be a father.
Speaker A:He knew what kind of child I was.
Speaker A:Both of them knew.
Speaker A:He told me that he found out that he knew that I was gay way before I even came out to them, which I never really came out, to be honest with you.
Speaker A:That's enough conversation for a whole nother day.
Speaker A:But because he knew.
Speaker A:Because back in the day, you know, back in the day when we used to use like AOL and things like that, I didn't know that there were these things called cookies.
Speaker A:Delete things that you see.
Speaker A:And I didn't realize that this is.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:It's my account, but he's the master holder, so I'm not doing this with you.
Speaker A:I'm not even looking at it.
Speaker A:I didn't real.
Speaker A:I realized that he was the master holder in this account and he would see it.
Speaker A:And all this.
Speaker A:All these just dicks.
Speaker B:Dicks and asses saved on the.
Speaker A:Saved on the computer.
Speaker B:I would like that as a sound bite.
Speaker B:Dex.
Speaker B:Dex.
Speaker A:Make that happen, Cooper.
Speaker A:Oh, but I.
Speaker A:And I. I came in and I was just like.
Speaker A:It was gone.
Speaker A:My sign on was gone.
Speaker A:He was like, you're spending too much time on the computer.
Speaker A:You need to be if you're going to be doing a computer.
Speaker A:I need to know what you're doing.
Speaker A:You need to be doing it only for school, work.
Speaker A:That's the only time you need to.
Speaker A:And we never talked about it until that moment.
Speaker A:And he said he never told my mother.
Speaker A:And so like we had close.
Speaker A:I had closure when it came down to that.
Speaker A:I don't want that from my mom.
Speaker A:She's still present.
Speaker A:I can still talk to her, but I feel like I can't talk to her, you know?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So I admire all of you guys.
Speaker A:Like who I. I wish.
Speaker A:That's why I.
Speaker A:That's why it's important for me.
Speaker A:Like, if I date someone, you have.
Speaker A:If your parents are still alive, which I would prefer that they're still be alive so I can have the mom that I've always wanted as a gay man, you know?
Speaker A:And then maybe she just.
Speaker A:Maybe she may come along because this woman can talk.
Speaker A:Talk to my mom and say, lady, if you don't get your together because your son is amazing, okay?
Speaker A:And you're running him away like you ran your other son away.
Speaker A:He's on the other side of the country.
Speaker A:That's all I got to say on that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:It kind of gave Mike drop.
Speaker B:It kind of gave Mic drop.
Speaker A:Did you look at the picture?
Speaker B:And I never.
Speaker B:I never do this for everybody here.
Speaker B:If you've, like, been wondering what the random outbursts have been, like this.
Speaker B:I. I kind of knew coming into this that this was a heavy topic, but like I said, it was, like, on my heart first thing this morning.
Speaker B:So I think in the anticipation that this might have been an emotional conversation, I wanted to kind of keep it light because I found myself getting a little emotional for a second, and then I caught him getting a little emotional for a second.
Speaker B:So, like, I was like, you know what?
Speaker A:No, no, no.
Speaker B:As you were saying things, I was looking things up on the Internet, because when you said something about what you said about the burning, I was like.
Speaker B:I thought about.
Speaker B:She's like, you know.
Speaker B:You know it's gonna burn.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:All the little babies are gonna burn.
Speaker A:And I'm okay.
Speaker A:I'm okay with this being a little bit.
Speaker A:Maybe like a little bit 30 minutes extra.
Speaker A:We can work through that.
Speaker A:Like, I don't.
Speaker A:I don't know.
Speaker A:I feel like there's so much more.
Speaker B:We're currently at 59, so we're doing amazing.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Because I don't.
Speaker A:I think that there's so much that's to be said.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Yeah, ask away.
Speaker A:No, this isn't.
Speaker A:No, this isn't the ass.
Speaker B:No, I was like, this.
Speaker B:This ain't.
Speaker B:That your day is coming.
Speaker A:But I will.
Speaker A:I will say this, and I'm not gonna.
Speaker A:I'm gonna.
Speaker A:Not gonna knock the fact that she has made tiny, tiny bits.
Speaker A:Baby steps.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker A:But I am 40 going.
Speaker A:I'm going on 45 years old.
Speaker A:I'm gonna need you to take a whole two steps, lady.
Speaker A:I'm gonna need you to, like, power walk.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:To try to catch up, because it is.
Speaker A:It is hurting more than it is helping.
Speaker A:You can't expect someone.
Speaker A:And I don't know.
Speaker A:And this is for all the listeners out there.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:I mean, I know I've told a lot about myself, but for those of you who live in a way that.
Speaker A:That we all say, well, if they don't.
Speaker A:Can't respect me or, you know, be a part of my life, then they don't need to be in my life.
Speaker A:I get that.
Speaker A:I Understand that I also get the conversations that, you know, I wish my mother was still here.
Speaker A:So you need to respect that.
Speaker A:First of all, let's go.
Speaker A:Let's rewind this one thing back about.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker A:Okay, Rewind.
Speaker A:Thank you.
Speaker A:All of you.
Speaker A:I understand that you have your relationships with your mother, your father, whoever it is.
Speaker A:But when someone tells you something about how they feel, stop trying to push your guilt up on them.
Speaker A:Their relationship is their relationship.
Speaker A:Don't say, oh, well, I wish my mother was still alive.
Speaker A:You only have so much time to be with her.
Speaker A:You're going to regret it.
Speaker A:You don't know what that person's going to feel.
Speaker A:You don't know if that person's been abused, sexually abused, mentally abused.
Speaker A:You know, what they.
Speaker A:What kind of trauma they experience.
Speaker A:So what you need to do is do better and shut the up and listen to what they're saying, because what they're saying to you is that they need to be heard by you saying that, you're just adding more of.
Speaker A:To the.
Speaker A:Your opinions don't matter.
Speaker A:You just need to shut up and respect your parents.
Speaker A:That's not how that works here.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker A:Sorry, just brought that.
Speaker A:Just brought that up.
Speaker B:No, no, no, you're fine.
Speaker B:So before we do exit, I did want to ask you a question because a couple of weeks ago, we had a conversation and, you know, we were talking about.
Speaker B:Damn, what were we even talking about?
Speaker B:Dating.
Speaker B:I think that was my topic choice that week as well.
Speaker B:And we all learned in that episode that, you know, while I was kind of like, yeah, I'm kind of off that right now, you were very much of the mind that, you know, you really did want to be in a relationship and that, you know, you had the desire for love.
Speaker B:You know, I just thought that I'd ask.
Speaker B:While we're here, are there any updates in that department?
Speaker A:I can't believe you are trying to put me on the spot for these people, but I will say, yes, there are some updates.
Speaker A:I have been spending time with the man and it has been going quite interesting is what I will say.
Speaker A:And I'm learning more about myself.
Speaker A:And I think part of this goes back to our previous conversation that we had about you and Beatty Beedy.
Speaker A:Bom bom.
Speaker A:When you were drinking and going around the whole room.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And you were going around the room telling the room all about that happens.
Speaker A:It was a situation that just recently happened that I'm learning how to manage my emotions better because I want.
Speaker A:I want so much of love because I have not had it in so long that I also need to start, like, understanding what it means to, like, allow myself to be loved again.
Speaker B:He's a good man, Savannah.
Speaker A:I miss as fresh in my as I'm is, you know, I I.
Speaker A:So yes, I have been spending time with someone.
Speaker A:That's all I will say.
Speaker A:And I will also say that they are in fact a Libra.
Speaker A:So this has been challenging to.
