The Human Experience: Lessons from a Cancer Survivor

PJ: 00:00:00

Welcome to the what Are We Even Talking About?

Christopher: 00:00:02

Podcast, where every other episode we take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.

PJ: 00:00:08

So the conversation, you love.

Christopher: 00:00:12

You love my unbeknownst. You love.

PJ: 00:00:14

I love it, yo. So the conversation is unrehearsed, authentic, and.

Christopher: 00:00:18

Most importantly, a safe space for friends to be vulnerable.

PJ: 00:00:22

To be what?

Christopher: 00:00:25

Okay, yak me verbal.

PJ: 00:00:29

Listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish. This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about and don't make any sense. This is. This is a real. A real conversation for real adults.

Christopher: 00:00:51

What's WAWETA?

PJ: 00:00:53

What are we even talking about?

Christopher: 00:00:54

What are we even talking about? Listen to it now because you want.

PJ: 00:00:57

To know what we're talking about. What's up, King?

Christopher: 00:01:01

What's up, sir?

PJ: 00:01:02

And what's up to all you out there listening. Welcome to the what Are We Even.

Christopher: 00:01:05

Talking About Podcast, where every other episode we take turns choosing the topic unbeknownst to the other.

PJ: 00:01:11

So the conversation is unrehearsed, authentic, and.

Christopher: 00:01:14

Most importantly, a safe space for friends to be vulnerable.

PJ: 00:01:21

So get your favorite cocktail or mocktail if you don't drink and find out what are we even talking about? It's your boy, sir pj, AKA Philip James or Sir pj, but you can call me pj. It's fine. That's fine. Just don't call me Daddy.

Christopher: 00:01:35

It's always sir, and it is Christopher, AKA King. Christopher, AKA King, AKA Daddy, if that's what you're into.

PJ: 00:01:44

We're alike, but so, so different. So how are you feeling today? As you sip on your Ladies and gentlemen, you might hear a little gulp.

Christopher: 00:01:51

Gulp.

PJ: 00:01:52

Someone is.

Christopher: 00:01:52

You hear a little rattling. It's the ice in my cup. So I guess this is a precursor.

I know we've been doing a lot of introducing, sharing with people, you know, our backstories, and telling a little bit more and more about ourselves week to week. But I personally have been, let's say, California sober for the better portion of a year.

Well, the better portion of a few years prior to leaving Houston, I got to a point as to where I was making some very questionable decisions when it came to alcohol. And I had to discover for myself that, hey, this isn't the life that I need to be living.

For whatever reason, I waited until I got to my very late 30s to want to start tripping like shit that you see people at 21 doing, like, passing out, waking up in your car, not knowing where you are, waking up covered in vomit, you know? And if for anybody that deals with, you know, struggles with alcohol, I definitely don't want to trigger or bring about any trauma.

I maybe should have said trigger warning first. However, for me, I just got to a point as to where drinking was really, really harmful for me. So I just stopped. I stopped cold turkey.

It wasn't even a thing of like, let me get help. It was like, no, bitch, I'm not doing this no more. I don't like the way it feels.

And then after a period of time, coming into my birthday, Beyonce, as she tends to do, was begging for my money. She wasn't begging. She was just like. She basically said, give it to me. I have something new for you to spend money on.

And so the Sir Davis liquor came out, and I purchased a bottle, and when I turn, over the course of maybe like a week or a week and a half, I sat and took shots with friends. And, yeah, that was kind of that experience. But since then, like, I've really gotten to that place now. Like, it's so funny.

Like, even when I go to restaurants where there's an opportunity for wine or, like, ooh, let's go for drinks, I'm like, I don't really drink, but we can hang out. I don't know. I've gotten so, like. And not even in a sense of, like, I won't do it, or I'm so very anti it, or I'm, like, above it.

Like, oh, no, no liquor.

But all of that being said, I have not been drinking, and I'm not gonna talk about friends business, but I had an unexpected gift of alcohol, and I have these little shot bottles, and I just poured. If you've ever heard of it, it's called Lunazul Vodka not being sponsored, so I won't be able to go too far into that.

However, I poured some into a cup of fruit punch. And if you are anything like me and you do not drink on a regular basis, you know that it does not take a lot to get you there.

So if I'm a little bit more zany this evening or at whatever time of the day that you're listening to the podcast, that's why. But it's okay, because this is a safe space to be vulnerable. Brought to you by bad.

PJ: 00:04:29

Ladies gentlemen. I think he's actually. He's actually being very, very nice and coy about it when I tell you so.

We were around each other on his 40th birthday, and baby, that Sir Davis had him going, going in the circle.

Christopher: 00:04:43

She was wearing me out. But again, it's. I don't drink. So it doesn't take a lot. And I think I was. Then again, a lot.

PJ: 00:04:49

But then again, sir Davis is. I mean, I still have yet to have any, but from what I've heard, you don't need much. You can start your car with it. It's like motor oil.

It's almost like Everclear from what I've heard, but I haven't. This is just what I've heard. Once again. Listen, Beyonce, you do your thing. Every so often, Beyonce is going to creep in our conversation. So.

Hey, Beyonce. Hey, girl. You have two fans right here. You ready, B?

Christopher: 00:05:14

Get ready.

PJ: 00:05:14

So let's go. You know what? For me, I would love to say that since we're talking about alcohol, Christopher has been around me when I've been a little intoxicated.

A little.

Christopher: 00:05:28

Just a little.

PJ: 00:05:29

Just a little, you know, And I have a similar situation, but not really similar.

I had to, like, relearn my relationship with alcohol because I used to drink a lot and I used to drink a lot for reasons to like, you know, for numbness or, you know, just to drink and drink and drink and drink. And I was the. I. Once upon a time, I used to be the Tammy Roman of my friend group. And so y' all know when I say Tammy Roman, right?

You remember that face that she used to make off basketball wise, where it.

Christopher: 00:05:57

It.

PJ: 00:05:58

It would look like. And I saw this one meme that said the face, and she was looking like, with her hand, like her finger was like her.

Christopher: 00:06:06

I don't know.

PJ: 00:06:06

How would you describe this? Like she was just sitting here with her, holding her head and just looking like this.

And that's the face that she gives when you better clarify what the fuck you're about to say before I turn the fuck up.

Christopher: 00:06:17

And she was the original crash out.

PJ: 00:06:19

Yeah, original. You know, and so I was that amongst my friend circle. So, like, they used to love going out with me because I used to like, they would.

That's why they're no longer my friend circle. And we'll get into that later. Because they were not there to really support me.

They were there to watch me crash out and be, oh, my God, I finally said it. Crash out. I think that's like the first time I've actually said it in a sentence.

That's funny because I like these terms, these kids with these terms. And so I stopped drinking for a period of time because I also realized that when I would get blackout drunk, it would be a situation.

And Christopher has experienced this as well. I have a Tendency to bite people. I sometimes had a tendency to, like, set things on fire or stab people. One or the other. You know, it was.

It was always. It would always turn into something violent. But that was based on an interaction.

And it's usually because I had, like, some Hennessy, and I don't really fuck with cognac whatsoever. Like, I'm a tequila and whiskey drinker. Those are the two. Vodka makes me gives me a headache, and rum makes me. My stomach sick.

So those are the two that I can really fuck with. Or bourbon. And then that's it. But I right now am watching him, and I wish that I had something to drink. The only thing I have to drink is a mixer.

And when I tell you that it is sweet and sour, and it is not sweet. It is. You didn't see the face what I took when I took a swig of that, bro. That is gross.

Christopher: 00:07:43

I'm just thinking to myself, it's so funny that this is how we're starting the episode, because I didn't even ask you. So how's your week been? I know. As we overcome our alcohol talk.

PJ: 00:07:53

Okay, welcome. Our mocktail. See, this is my mocktail. That's your cocktail. This is my mocktail.

Christopher: 00:07:58

Ooh.

PJ: 00:07:59

I think we should start it off with a cocktail every single time. This episode is brought to you by. Whatever. We're going to drink without saying whatever. Whatever is because they're not sponsoring us just yet.

I don't know. We'll figure this out as we go along, y'.

Christopher: 00:08:09

All. It's funny. I'm gonna. I'm gonna let y' all pick behind the curtain for a little second.

When we were prior to pressing record and getting into this conversation, we were kind of having, like, our pre meeting chat, and we were talking and he was saying something, and I just so ever randomly said, you want to get Dr. He was like, in mid. Thought he was like, wait, what?

PJ: 00:08:32

But I was like, yeah, but, you know, I also realized that I do have to work tomorrow, and nobody wants somebody to drive in a hearse. We'll get into that, obviously, later. Yes. I also drive a hearse, you know, a little over. And I'm driving.

I'm doing a long drive tomorrow, so it's probably best that I don't drink. But other than that, how was your week then? How has your actual week been?

Christopher: 00:08:54

Responsibility? My week has been hectic. I think this week really taught me that.

And it's so funny because I feel like I've talked about this before, but, like, just this journey that I've been on about leaning into positive experiences and learning to experience peace and joy and learning to, like, tap into, you know, gratitude and contentment and understanding that, you know, no matter how bad things seem in a moment, that, like, nothing's actually on fire and that the world's not caving in on me. But, like, this week kind of challenged me a bit more than I think I've been challenged lately. Like, work kicked my ass. I think the workload.

A lot of the people that I were dealing with were very, very frustrating and annoying. I was just kind of consistently in this space every day, just ready to be at the time where it was time to go.

I was like, please just get me out of here. Let's get over the hump. Get me to Friday so that I can get through Friday and be done with it.

Like, this week was a lot and I'm definitely grateful now because, like, today was really cool. I did as much as I could. I clocked out and I was gone. And then beyond that, I've been chilling.

But like, the week kind of, she, she, she kind of, she kind of tussled with me. She was like, bitch, you think you over here experiencing peace and that everything's all gravy, but come on, let me test you a little bit.

See how resilient you actually are.

See if you can actually stand these challenges when you're faced with them in this space of positivity and healing and all the other things that you say you're about. Show me what you're really working with.

So, like, I've been journaling and I've been meditating and I've been like, really having to like, dial it back when I have the opportunity because she attract my patients this week in particular this said week of May, she tried my patience. But what about you? How was your week?

PJ: 00:10:37

You know, it's crazy because this week has been good up until a couple of days ago, and I will say a couple of days ago, because I've experienced one thing that us Libras can't stand and that's being broke. So I made the wonderful mistake of paying two of my bills twice. So $587 came out of my account on one day.

Christopher: 00:11:03

You'll be so grateful next month. You don't have to worry about it. Think about it from that place.

PJ: 00:11:08

I think that from that place, from this place of not having money in my pocket kind of like frustrates me because other bills need to get taken care of as well. And that money was Supposed to go towards other bills. So now, ooh, am I panicking?

You know, so, like, there are moments where I go through these moods where, like, it. It. In the past, it would, like, stress me out, and you might see a different side of me, but I've actually. I've actually been better the.

These past couple of days. And I'll say it because of my kids, the kids that I teach. I don't have children. The kids that I teach actually have.

And this is, like, I think one of the great things. It is about being an educator or being around young K. You can kind of see the impact that you're having on them. And it brightens my day.

Like, I got a message from one of my. One of my colleagues, and she was saying. She was asking me if I know anybody who was. Who is willing to adopt two little boys.

Because one of the boys I worked with, and he's a little black boy. And this is a predominantly. Like, this is on the Upper west side, so this is a predominantly white space, right? And great kid.

Like, you know, she said that, you know, when he came back to class, his energy. She had never seen him like that before. And she said, I don't know what. However you work with him, I'm gonna work with him again next week.

She said, but, you know, just that one moment alone changed him just a little bit. Like, somebody tried to pick at him, and he was just, like, not having it. He was just like, no, I'm okay.

Because I think the last thing I said to him before he went back upstairs and he's a fourth grader. Last thing I said to him, back up to. I was like, don't let anybody ever tell you that you can't do anything.

So no matter what happens, you did this, and you did an amazing job without me having to tell you. So you know what's right and wrong. You know what you should and should not be doing, so you continue to be great kid.

And he was like, thank you, Mr. J.

And then hugged me and then went upstairs and, like, it's those moments that, like, you know, and then you deal with high school students and that switches everything up altogether.

Christopher: 00:13:15

Is this story leading you to you adopting the little boy?

PJ: 00:13:18

I wish I could.

Christopher: 00:13:20

Okay. I was, like, sitting here, like, with my mouth wide open. I wish I could see.

PJ: 00:13:24

Wish I could. When she told me this, it kind of. I was. You know, I was.

I just woke up, so I was doing my morning routine, you know, on the Paul ceiling throne, and I was. It broke my heart.

Because I'm like, I would, I want to be, I wanted to be a father for so long and if I could like adopt a child, that would be great and it would be a little black boy, a little dark skinned black boy, a little dark skinned black girl. But I am not.

Christopher: 00:13:50

Hello.

PJ: 00:13:50

I just said I spent, you know.

Christopher: 00:13:53

And I am not thinking about stuff. You're not gonna be able to pay the bills twice. I respect them with your damn kids.

PJ: 00:13:58

And I've always said I want us. That's one of the things I always said I don't want to have kids until I'm financially stable.

Christopher: 00:14:02

Yeah.

PJ: 00:14:03

And you know, I want to be mature about having children. So like, no, but I've been looking around, asking around if anybody wants to adopt two brothers because we would rather keep them together.

Don't know what the situation is. And that's all the information I do have. But after that and hearing that, like, you know, it, it really helps.

It helps when you think you're not, you're not. Your presence isn't being met with or like it's not mattering or it's not like having the impact that you want. Like it. Those things.

Like that helps at least helps me. So, yeah, makes me happy.

Christopher: 00:14:37

I can say sincerely, and since you, since you brought that up, it's so funny how your, your situation and the things that you discuss inspire me to really think deeper about my experiences. Because as much as I said work sucked, I have, for whatever reason.

And it's so funny because I often ask myself where I get the audacity when it comes to certain things that I choose to do. But however it so happened, I've decided that I want to be somebody, which I'm already somebody.

And every time I say this, people are like, no, you already are somebody. And I know that. But I've decided I want to be somebody on TikTok. Like I've got to a point.

PJ: 00:15:16

Continue.

Christopher: 00:15:17

You didn't know that's where I was going. But it's like I decided I wanted to be somebody. Like, I feel like I have important things to say. I feel like I have meaningful messages to share.

I feel like I'm answering a call of sorts. And I think for a moment here, because I've been doing it probably, I'll say, like since the end of last year I started, I wasn't really consistent.

And then as I got like something in these past couple of months, I've just started being a lot more consistent with it. And it's a little challenging when you see things that you're just wondering, like, why does this have a hundred thousand likes? Like, what is this?

This is some silly shit that's insignificant to the world, but somebody said something that seemed clever or funny or witty in a moment. Now, like, this has whatever. But I'm saying things that.

Not because I'm seeing it, but just because I know how meaningful it is, could potentially be life changing. It's like, oh, 40 likes. Which is fine. I'm just starting. I'm growing. I'm excited about the growth. 40 likes vs 1 like is amazing to me.

But it's one of those things as to where I was kind of becoming discouraged for a little while in the space of, like, not expecting to be an overnight sensation, but just kind of, you know. Okay, it's been some months now. We haven't really gone viral.

Like, we're following all the tips and the tricks that everybody's telling us to do, and we're still not there. And I've had so many people this weekend.

When I say so many, a handful, But I've had quite a few people this week tell me about how much they really enjoy my videos and about how I'm needed in this space and about how people really like the people that are supposed to see my videos and hear what I'm saying are really seeing it. I've had people that have come into my lives.

I've recently started hosting lives that have, in the comments, just telling me about how important my message is and about how much they love the video that I posted me thinking, like, oh, these people aren't really paying attention. They're just kind of coming through and liking to be nice, but, like, telling.

Relaying back things that I've said and telling me about how meaningful it was for them and how much it inspired them. So I've been really grateful for that.

So that kind of, like, touches back on what you just said about not really knowing how you're making an impact in certain spaces until, like, you have the opportunity to be, like, acknowledged in that way. And it's been a really good feeling. So I thank you for bringing that up because that definitely made me think about that.

And now I'm also here, like, trying not to slur my words, because as a reminder, there's tequila in Mike, and that's okay.

PJ: 00:17:37

Slur them, baby. Slur them. Shoot. All right. What drinks y' all got out there?

Christopher: 00:17:41

Okay, like, look, take a sip in the breath.

PJ: 00:17:46

Come on, missy. But listen, let me tell you right now. So, like, before we even get into the episode. Like, I feel that in such a hard way. In such a hard way. Giggity.

Christopher: 00:17:59

Because it's like, that's what she said.

PJ: 00:18:05

Oh, my God.

I feel that because I remember when I was like, this goes back to Dayton duty project, and I was always being that person, and I was like, oh, nobody's watching my stuff or listening to my stuff. And I'm like, you know what? Let me not do this, because it's not affecting anybody. Or even when I came.

When I originally came on the other app and started streaming, I was doing what I do in public spaces, such as when I do public forum conversations with mental health professionals and things of that nature about mental health and about real serious conversations, but experiences and being spaces of being vulnerable. I remember all those things, and it kind of helps me get back to purpose, because I always had this one saying, purpose over popularity.

Like, I would rather be. I would rather have a meaningful life than.

Christopher: 00:18:56

I want that on a shirt now.

PJ: 00:18:59

And so I have a design for it. It's like, I actually drew it out, too. It's like purpose with a dash across under it, like a dividing sign. And popularity much smaller.

So purpose is bigger than popularity. So if any of y' all out there make that shirt. And after hearing this, understand that I've.

Christopher: 00:19:17

Already had the idea.

PJ: 00:19:18

It's already been trademarked. You owe me money.

Christopher: 00:19:20

But.

PJ: 00:19:22

Or just, you know, just. Just, you know, just at least give me some credit, because here's the thing. I don't. I don't want to be rich. I don't want to be rich and famous.

I. I want to have impact. That was like, one of my major words for last year. This year, it's basically like, restart. Like recalibrate. That's the word.

Recalibrate myself back to my purpose.

And I think that's what's been bothering me for all or so when it comes to, like, dealing with certain things, because I've kind of stepped away from what my purpose is. And that's why I'm also glad that we have the space, you know, I'm glad we have Waita. You know, Wawita Waita.

Christopher: 00:19:59

Yeah. Yeah.

PJ: 00:20:01

Okay.

Christopher: 00:20:01

I'm gonna chill. So with that, as we do, I am going to now warm us up a little bit, and I want to just challenge us. And this week, I only have one. I know.

You know, here and there, I might have a couple, but I just want to ask you one, if nothing else, but to break the ice, get us a little bit more comfortable. Allow the people to get to know us a little better. Why are you laughing?

PJ: 00:20:25

Oh, my God. I need you guys to understand that as he's doing this, he's like, just imagine your two hands are like, in between your thighs.

He's like, when I'm warm, the ice.

Christopher: 00:20:36

Damn, baby.

PJ: 00:20:38

Oh, damn baby. Hey, Janet.

Christopher: 00:20:43

Okay, Happy birthday, Janet Jackson.

PJ: 00:20:46

Happy birthday, Janet. We're recording this on Janet's birthday shout out. It's May 16th.

Christopher: 00:20:50

Oh, we love some Demeter Jo. Okay, so back to my question of all of your childhood memories.

Like, it could be like, with family, it could be with friends, it could be like a day at school, whatever that looks like.

Like, what's the time that in your mind now at this big age, like, that you think about fondly and often that it's just like, wow, that was a really, really great memory. Some level, you might even feel like, wow, this kind of shaped up part of who I am and my personality.

PJ: 00:21:19

Okay, fifth grade graduation. We had to sing. Lift every voice and sing.

Christopher: 00:21:26

So my teacher give us a little piece right now.

PJ: 00:21:29

Single song. Full of the faith that the darkest has told us. Oh, my God.

Christopher: 00:21:37

Okay, anyway, Single.

PJ: 00:21:40

Let me stop. So I can remember the teacher asking each one of us, because there was going to be one person to sing it for the graduation.

And so everyone in the class, we stood in front, we lined up around the class, and everybody sang. And I was so shy, but everybody actually was like, yeah, him, Him.

And it was in that moment that I knew that I liked having the spotlight on me because and for something that I could actually do. And then I realized that it's something I can do, but I didn't think I could.

Which is something that still kind of plays over and over in my head, like, you can do this, but, you know, you think you can't, but other people know that you can, and they can tell you that you can. And I think about that sometimes. Like, I really sang at my fifth grade graduation. Lift every voice, shout out cybar.

Our fifth grade graduation also had Ernest Lee Thomas come talk for us because he graduated from the same school. For those of you who don't know, Ernest Lee Thomas. Is that is Roger from what's Happening?

Christopher: 00:22:55

Yeah, I was definitely going to Google. Thank you.

PJ: 00:22:58

You remember what's happening?

Christopher: 00:22:59

I do.

PJ: 00:23:00

And what's happening now? Yeah, we. We had him talk to us. And, like, I remember seeing him, but I'm like, I don't know who this.

This old man is, but I kind of did know because I used to watch TV and I Don't want one of the kids that, you know, seemed so much older than his age because. And that was uncool.

But to answer your question, that's something that I always go back to, like, remembering what it felt like to have a spotlight on me and other people, like enjoying it. Rest in peace. Earnestly.

Christopher: 00:23:30

I'm going to just say that according to Google, he's 76 and he not dead.

PJ: 00:23:35

Well, look at a different Google because he's 92. He passed away at 92.

Christopher: 00:23:40

,: 1949

PJ: 00:23:46

So we are talking about two separate people.

Christopher: 00:23:48

Tell me who you talking about so I can know who I'm talking about.

PJ: 00:23:51

Yes. Ernest Lee is an American actor.

Christopher: 00:23:54

He was born. He was best known for his role as Raja Raj Thomas on the 70s ABC sitcom what's Happening and its 80s syndicated sequel, what's Happening Now.

And for his recurring role as Mr. Omar on Everybody Hates Chris.

PJ: 00:24:08

rd of: 2024

Ally. It's not this white man. Continue. You click on the comment.

Christopher: 00:24:27

You click on the completely different. Earnestly.

PJ: 00:24:31

And it's. It's the picture. See? See here. Here's what they gonna do again. All right, so let me explain something to you. AI has got to be stopped.

Christopher: 00:24:37

Okay?

PJ: 00:24:40

AI overview says yes, Ernest Preacher Lee Thomas passed away. And you click on the little link according to click funeral home.

Christopher: 00:24:48

And here come this white man, my lord, today. Well, the earnest that is still alive.

PJ: 00:24:53

Yeah, we're gonna keep this all in. I'm so sorry, brother.

Christopher: 00:24:56

If back yonder the sausage was girthy. But we're gonna move around because I have an answer to the question that I would like to get past this awkward moment that we're having right now.

That I have it right now.

PJ: 00:25:09

Have another sip. Have another sip.

Christopher: 00:25:11

I think I'm all sipped out. But it's so funny because I think normally speaking when I do ask these questions, I have an answer already predetermined for myself.

And now I'm kind of like the whole time you were talking, I was like, wow, what's mine? Because this is kind of profound and I don't definitely know. Okay, so I'm going to tell you. So I can't now.

PJ: 00:25:29

You know, your answers don't have to be profound.

Christopher: 00:25:31

No, no, no, I know. No, I. But I was going to say mine is going to mine is kind of traumatizing. Honestly, it's not as joyful.

But I will definitely say that it shaped by kind of shaped a part of my life. So I remember when I was young, there was one year where, I don't know, I guess we might have been.

I don't know, I guess you never really realize in a moment how maybe less fortunate you are until you have a less fortunate moment. And there was one year where it was Christmas.

And this particular Christmas, for whatever reason, and I don't know, I think my mom isn't here and I wouldn't talk to my brothers and sister's dad to find out. So maybe I'll never know. So I don't know what the financial situation really was. But one year we were expecting presents and we didn't get presents.

We got bags of fruit and it was like literally like that was our Christmas gifts. And I remember complaining about it, pouting like, wow, like, why didn't we get anything for Christmas? Like we never get anything.

Like why don't we ever get any gifts? And I remember my mom's husband at the time, my brothers and sisters, dad, he put me in the car and he drove me down.

And I don't even know what part of town this was. I think at the time we were living in San Diego. And he drove me down where there were like all these people living under a bridge.

And I don't think at that time in my life, being so young, I had ever seen so many homeless people in one place. And I don't know, I might have said something like we were poor.

And he took me down and like, he drove me around, like down and showed me all these homeless people and he was like, these people are poor. Like he was so disappointed in me.

Just that idea of like me having the nerve and the audacity to complain when I was so fortunate and so well taken care of and that all my needs were provided for. But it's like here I am thinking because like I didn't get some extravagant toys or you know, nice, whatever, whatever is for Christmas. Who knows?

I probably was a fucking terrible kid and that didn't deserve, deserve any gifts or whatever that looked like in that moment. But I don't know, it was a really humbling experience.

It was a really eye opening experience and it really like challenged me to like shift my perspective in regard to like material things at that time. I definitely feel like in that moment I had like a really like sharp, swift, grow the up. So yeah, that's mine.

PJ: 00:27:45

Do you feel that you grew up from. Y' all should see. Y' all should see him trying to reach straw.

You ever watch somebody, like, drink something from a straw and they just can't find the straw?

Christopher: 00:27:59

But, yeah, I do. I think on some level, maybe I didn't grow up. I mean, I was still very young. I was, of course, incredibly childish.

But I think on some level, it definitely, like, helped me to see things differently in a way that probably on some level helped me as I grew older in regard to just, like, never, like, believing that things were, like, even now, like, that idea of like, believing that things are as bad as they may seem or understanding that somebody always has it worse than you do. Because at this point in life, all I want. Let me stop. I was gonna say, at this point in life, all I want is a pay pig, but go ahead.

PJ: 00:28:32

Okay, so I see what you're doing. See, we was having these conversations prior to getting started. Okay.

Wherever y' all at, my cash app is I am Philip P H I L L I P James J A M E S. I gotta go look.

Christopher: 00:28:48

Cause I don't even know what mine is. But in the case the universe is.

PJ: 00:28:51

Listening, if you want to be the pay pig who just wants to hear me talk to you, and I could talk to you like this. I could talk to you even lower. I could talk to you slower. I could do whatever it is that you want me to do. Just let me know.

I mean, like, holla at me.

Christopher: 00:29:01

One.

PJ: 00:29:04

That gave very one. Why did we even say that? Yo, I won. That's some chat line shit from back in the day. Oh, my God.

We're gonna have a whole conversation about chat line days. Not today, actually.

Christopher: 00:29:21

I got a little nervous for a second. But at. Okay, I was like, ooh, hold on. What's about to happen?

PJ: 00:29:25

You know what?

Christopher: 00:29:26

I got it.

PJ: 00:29:27

I think I. Okay, we're switching it up now. Now we're switching it up, ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, let's do better in this segment. This is not a judgment.

This is not, you know, where you're not looking down upon you, but we're trying to, you know, we want you to do better. We want us to do better. And this message goes out to all the parents out there who have children who go to school. You know, your child.

You know your child is a terror. You know your child is disrespectful. You know, your child doesn't respect elders. You know, your child talks back to you.

What makes you think your child is not going to Talk back to the teacher. As an educator, it is important that you, sir, madam, or whatever you identify as, you do better because you birthed this demon. Okay?

You know who this child is. So for you to come at me after me telling you what your child did, said or did not do and did not say, and you telling me.

Christopher: 00:30:24

Well, I ain't doing.

PJ: 00:30:25

No, no, no, no, no, no, we're not doing this today. Because you should catch me on a regular day when I see you walking down the street. Okay? Do better. You know who your child is, okay?

They're a spitting image of you. Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?

Christopher: 00:30:38

My God.

PJ: 00:30:39

Number two. Okay, so it's always going to be really hard.

Christopher: 00:30:43

We came in us and we came in hot.

PJ: 00:30:46

Because I don't know where that came from because that's not even what I have written down. All right? And number two, let's do better, y', all.

Christopher: 00:30:52

Which are no good ass parents and your no good ass kids.

PJ: 00:30:57

And while we're on the sub. While we're on the subject of your no good ass parents and your no good ass kids. Grandparents. Listen, not Meemaw.

Now, Meemaw, I understand that you raise your child with an iron fist, but your grandchild is that same child that just threw a chair at me.

Christopher: 00:31:17

Oh, Lord.

PJ: 00:31:18

Okay, so when you come to the school, don't defend that little terror. You remember the movie Problem Child? That little ginger haired boy. And FYI, gingers are not black people. So stop saying that. That. Okay?

And as a person who has gingers in my family, my dad was a ginger. Okay? My brother's a ginger. I'm somewhat of a ginger. No, we're not doing that, okay? They are not black. Okay? So let's not give them a pass.

They're not welcome. They're still unseasoned meat. Now, if you come to my school and you start defending this little demon, you know what I'm gonna do?

I' ma call child services on you and only you. Not even the parents, just on you, so they can sit here and take away your ssi. Let's do better. That badass. Wow. We there. Who sits in the corner.

Christopher: 00:32:09

Spitballing you?

PJ: 00:32:10

Who still does spitballs? My Lord, raise these kids and start expecting educators to raise them for you.

Christopher: 00:32:16

Now, with that, I think it's a really great time to ask you, sir. Pj, what are we even talking about? W A W E T. A podcast or Wawida podcast.

PJ: 00:32:36

So this episode is being recorded, obviously on Janet Jackson's birthday shout out to you. What's your. Wait, before we even get started, what's your favorite Janet song?

Christopher: 00:32:43

Love to love you from the 20yo album or Love to love? It's not love to love you. It's called love to love.

PJ: 00:32:49

Okay. No judgment.

Christopher: 00:32:50

Okay. I think that's. Let me make sure that's the name of the song. Tell me yours.

PJ: 00:32:53

That is the song. That's the name of the search. Okay. Okay. Mine is because of love.

Christopher: 00:32:58

I love that too.

PJ: 00:32:59

That's the only song that's one of the few songs. It's about five in total in general from any artist that can play. And no matter what I'm feeling will make me feel better.

It always brings a step song always brings a smile to my face. This is nine times out of ten because throughout the video, all she.

She was on tour and she was just smiling throughout with her beautiful smile and that tight ass ponytail with that little itty bitty pompadour pony thing. Up top. I love me some Janet Jackson.

Christopher: 00:33:28

So, yeah, I have so many favorite Jennings. You know, that's my hands. I'm thinking about it. Escapade is. Oh, let me tell you something.

That what you just said about making you feel better, like, escapade is just like, okay, let's get hit up. Okay. I'm sorry. But yeah, definitely.

PJ: 00:33:47

So, you know, we're. This might be a bunch of. Sidebar before we even get to the topic. We're gonna do this really quick. Okay. So like, shout out to my best friend.

Her favorite song is it's all right. And when I tell you, yes, that.

Christopher: 00:34:01

Video was so amazing as Cab Calloway.

PJ: 00:34:06

And so this is attached to. Let's go back one second. Let's do better. If you go out to see an artist, you go out to a show, put your phone in your pocket, enjoy what's going on.

I can guarantee you that if you watch and experience the show versus trying to record it, you will feel completely different. You will remember every.

You might not remember every song that was sang or song or whatever or rapped or whatever the situation is, but you'll remember that feeling, that emotion.

And I'm telling you, when I went to see Janet, baby, I may have took in like two short videos, like, put them together, but the entire time, phone was in my pocket and I was sitting there dancing the whole entire. And look, I got this big smile on my face because I remember that. And we've lost that, especially in the art of music and going to see artists. So.

Motherfuckers, put your Phone away. All right, enjoy. Let's do better. Be in the moment really quick.

Christopher: 00:35:01

Love will never do without you. Okay, that's it. I think it's given before I go to bed having a Janet Jackson marathon because it's her birthday and it just makes sense.

PJ: 00:35:10

You know what? Dang. I'm not changing the subject. I'm not changing the subject. No, no, I'm not. I'm not. Okay, but this is all tied.

You know, this actually does all tie together. Okay, so we're in May, and May is mental health awareness month.

Christopher: 00:35:25

Yes.

PJ: 00:35:26

This episode will probably come out in June.

Christopher: 00:35:29

Our.

PJ: 00:35:30

Our episodes have been pre recorded, but especially within these past couple of months, I've realized that my moods have gone up and down, up and down. And I've realized what has kept me cent, which is my love for music.

So with this being mental health awareness month and, you know, for the last, you know, couple of years ago, mental health awareness has been such the topic of conversation that's become popular, it's become the trendy thing to talk about. But there are those of us who live in this world shout out to. If y' all follow, y' all better follow this brother, his name. Okay?

On all social media platforms, it's heal with Chris.

Christopher: 00:36:11

Heal with me, y'.

PJ: 00:36:12

All.

Christopher: 00:36:12

Heal with Chris.

PJ: 00:36:12

Okay, okay. You better. Because listen, he's got some gems that he's dropping there, but let me ask you, as a black man, as a black queer man.

Christopher: 00:36:22

Yes.

PJ: 00:36:23

Where are you presently today with your mental health? Let's just start there.

Christopher: 00:36:27

Interestingly enough, I can say with confidence a lot better than it probably has ever been. And of course, we've talked about this. Like, I. I feel like I took some time away from everything. It's so funny.

Like, I. I don't know, it's weird how, like trauma and like just hitting the brakes on everything. Like sometimes you just gotta hit the brakes on everything. I took a break back in the beginning of the year from work.

I wasn't really being as active on social media. Like, I just needed a moment to just stop everything that I was doing.

And I think once I came back from that, something just shifted and everything just kind of started to feel like it.

It was falling into place and things were starting to align and I was starting to feel more purposeful and I was becoming more productive and I was more intentional about how I set up my day.

So right now I can say with sincere confidence, like, I have such this sense of self awareness, this sense of self assurance, this sense of confidence, this Sense of peace that maybe I feel like. I mean, maybe I've had it before in moments, but I don't think I've ever had it this consistently. And I'm in a really good place.

Like I said, I do still have moments where I face challenges. Things can be a little difficult to deal with sometimes when it comes to, you know, work or dealing with people or whatever that looks like.

But I. I am sincerely able to say that right now. Like, I am in a place where I am enjoying the experience of being alive and getting to wake up every day and piece by piece.

And we used this word last week, curate by experience. Like, life is good. And I'm, like, learning to enjoy it because I truly do believe that in a way that I don't think I was able to believe before.

And it's such a good thing.

PJ: 00:38:18

Okay, okay, so wait.

Before we go any further and before you start turning the tables back on me, do you mind sharing any part of your personal journey about your mental health?

Christopher: 00:38:27

I don't know why, and I don't even know if you would know it, but there's the song by Doshi, and she's like. I'm sure. She's like, I mean, I like pills, I like drugs, I like.

PJ: 00:38:42

Oh, yeah.

Christopher: 00:38:43

She's like, I like to. I don't know why. When you said that that's what. It's the cave to my butt.

PJ: 00:38:49

I was like, well, you ever see that clip where she was. She was listening to it and it was like, I like to. I like Dick. I like to. I like to.

Christopher: 00:39:01

I like. Yeah.

PJ: 00:39:04

And she was like, I'm listening.

Christopher: 00:39:06

No, no. You find. So drama dumping time trigger warning.

PJ: 00:39:13

Ladies and gentlemen, this conversation also is not meant to trigger anyone, but, you know, through our experiences, we do hope to enlighten you all and. And brighten your day somehow, some way, letting you know that you're not the only one.

Christopher: 00:39:26

And go, yeah, so.

PJ: 00:39:31

We'Re being silly. While we're being silly.

Christopher: 00:39:34

Yeah. Because this is a very serious topic, ladies and gentlemen. So a few things to note.

ADHD diagnosed at a very early age at that time, because they didn't know what to do with it. They didn't know, you know, that it showed up differently from kid to kid.

They just thought, like, let's give them some pills and put them in special education classes.

And of course, for me, somebody that wasn't necessarily functioning at a level that was slower than everybody else, it was just like, I was bored and understimulated and I needed something to Challenge me, something that would keep my attention. And yeah, it was just, it was a bad situation. So I struggled with school from the time that I was very young, all the way throughout high school.

School was a big issue for me. I never did well. I very rarely found myself in a, a position of achievement or accomplishing excellence when it came to school.

Which eventually led to me dropping out not once, but twice. I dropped out my senior year of high school. Eventually I decided, you know, you're too smart for this. You can do it, go back and get a diploma.

If these dumb bitches around you can get diplomas, you can definitely get one. No shade to the dumb bitches around me, but yeah, they were dumb bitches.

And to be clear, I'm not saying that from a space of judgment, it's just you gotta be aware. But with that being said, I went back and I did well the first semester. But by that time I was 19, I was already working.

I had made some changes in my life that it put me in the position to feel like I was a lot more of an adult than I had ever been because I had also started fucking. And it was just one of those things.

PJ: 00:41:06

The emphasis on where he, he moved up is that, yeah, I was, go ahead, go ahead.

Christopher: 00:41:14

But no, like. So I think I was just like, it was like, yeah, I don't want to be around these kids anymore.

So eventually I stopped again and then I went and tried to get my ged and for whatever reason, the first time I tried to do it, it didn't work out. So it became one of those things where the more and more I put it off, the less of a priority it became.

So cut to for several years beyond that was in all of these toxic relationships, just being young and dumb and not really knowing myself, furthermore giving myself the opportunity to get to know another person, but believing that because I was of adult, that I could be in these adult relationships and that if somebody just loved me that that would make my life so much better. And there were just all these really unwell thought out decisions that I was making during that time.

And then eventually I just got kind of strung along into like a bunch of dead end jobs, just not really getting anywhere, not really accomplishing anything, never being taught what it meant to budget or balance or what it meant to like maintain good credit or just anything.

So like just out here being a reckless young AD adult and not really knowing how to like sustain or stabilize myself and going back home a lot like I leave home, I'd be somewhere I'D have a roommate, I'd be with a friend, I'd be with a boyfriend. But eventually, like I always wind up back in my mom's house. And this was for many, many years.

And eventually I got to a point as to where it was like, okay, something has to pause. Something needs to shift. And for my 27th birthday, I decided I wanted to go take my GED test. I took the test. I didn't want to take any pre test.

I didn't want to take any classes. I just wanted to take the test, see what I could do. I knew I'd been out of school for a long time.

I knew that math and science were always struggle areas. I just wanted to take it, see what I would need to retest on so I can give it a go.

Took it, interestingly enough, by some miracle, passed it on the first try. Immediately started college. Was so grateful. I'm so grateful.

And it's so funny, because everything happens in its right time, no matter what it may seem. Sometimes everything happens according to the time that it's supposed to.

Because had I done better in school, had I gone to college as a young adult, I would have never made it. I would never have a. Today I wouldn't have a degree.

I can say that sincerely, even today, I would not have a degree because the way I was just not responsible, not disciplined, didn't have a good head on my shoulders. There was no way that kid would have done what he needed to do. But all of that being said, went to college.

Did very well start out in college, but eventually got really, really sick. Had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I was losing weight rapidly. I was consistently exhausted.

I was having some really, really bad stomach issues. I won't get too gory, whatever, you know, stomach issues. And eventually had to leave school. I had to leave school.

I went back home, back at my mom's house. I felt like I was finally beyond that. But back at my mom's house. Was eventually diagnosed with cancer. Had to go through her. And she was a bitch.

A nasty, dirty, old means thank you.

PJ: 00:44:14

Bitch, meaning sir, you know, girl move.

Christopher: 00:44:19

And, you know, all of those things. Multiple surgeries, chemo, radiation, all the things.

Poking, prodding, spinal taps, MRIs, CAT scans, all these different pills, all the portacaths on this side that got infected. So I had to get a port, a cath over here.

PJ: 00:44:36

And what age were you?

Christopher: 00:44:38

I was 29 when I was diagnosed.

And it was one of those things where with the doctors, they always said that they were working so hard to try to, like, sustain me because initially they told me that it was inoperable because of the size of the tumor, where it was located, and how aggressive the cancer was. But I was also told in the same token that if you don't have surgery, essentially you may have two years to live.

The best that we can do is to sustain you on chemotherapy for the next two years. And eventually, by again, some miracle, something shifted. I went through some treatment.

They were able to eventually perform a surgery that they didn't realize that they were gonna be actually getting rid of the cancer. I think they were just trying to remove as much of the cancerous cells as could because they wanted to sustain my life.

They're like, oh, he's such a nice kid. He seems so positive. He's so young. This is something that generally occurs within people that are 65 to 70. They really wanted to.

And I'm so grateful for that team of doctors and all of the work that they put in and just like, you know, saving my life. But, yeah, they wanted to make sure that I could stick around for as long as I could.

And it was one of those things where eventually I was told that I was cancer free and that there was a less than a 1% chance of it coming back. And today, this year actually makes. In December, I will have been cancer free for 11 years.

But with all of that, you know, there were still some battles, some. Some battles that I had to go through, some lessons I had to learn, some hills that I had to climb. Eventually, I went back to school.

It was a struggle because in many ways, even though I had come out of this disease, my life had changed a lot. The way that I showed up in the world, certain things about my body, certain ways that my mind functioned, just weren't the same.

So going back to school and graduating was a lot more challenging than ever imagined it could be. But I did it. I got a degree. I think I got a degree. And I very quickly started in my degree field.

I got hired as an accountant kind of freshly out of college. And eventually, for whatever reason, I just kind of packed up and moved to Texas. And I always tell people, dallas.

As much as I loved the idea of Dallas, because it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. When I first visited, I experienced a lot of trauma in Dallas. As soon as I got there.

I ended a relationship with a partner that I moved with and expected to share my life with. Within those first, let's say, four months, I couldn't find work.

Eventually, Found work, got to a point as to where I was adjusting to being back at work. Covid happened. My apartment flooded. In the midst of COVID my mom died. There were all of these different. It was just back.

And I was there for three years, but there was all of these back to back experiences. That's where it was just like, fuck Dallas, bitch. If this ain't where I'm supposed to be, just say that and I'll. And eventually I did.

I moved to Houston.

And I think for the sake of, like, not getting to the point of rambling too far beyond where I've already gone, that's quite a bit of probably what I'll say has been some of the greater things that have impacted my mental health throughout time. Like I said, those struggles with not feeling good enough, feeling less than other kids as a child because I had adhd.

And even though I was diagnosed, I didn't have anybody in my life that could properly guide me or help me in regard to like, understanding what it meant and how to function in the world and finding ways to cope with it. Getting older and not really feeling like I ever found myself in the space of really understanding how to be successful.

Getting to a point as to where I finally felt like I was on a good path at doing something that I felt confident about, and then being taken off that path because now I have to battle this terminal illness and then getting beyond that and finally getting to this place of feeling like, okay, good, we're finally getting things together and then now you're in Texas and all of these crazy things are happening. So I think for me, a big part of my story was always that kind of expression that you always hear. Like, if it isn't one thing, it's another.

Like, as soon as I go one step forward, I get knocked 10 steps backwards. And I can definitely say that for a really long time that created spaces of like, severe depression for me. Like, I was very depressed.

I was always at a heightened sense of anxiousness. I always felt very, very self conscious, very insecure, very, very. Just not happy.

I felt for a long time that I didn't really have a great sense of who I was as a person because I just felt so aimless and like I was just kind of moving through life recklessly, trying to figure it out and not really being.

Feeling like I had any real, like leadership or guidance or anybody that really put me on the right path of figuring out how to be an adult out in this world. And in many ways that being my fault. Certain choices that I made kind of putting myself in places and spaces that I shouldn't have been.

But, yeah, knowing.

Listening to myself, saying all these things back now and still being able to say what I said earlier and still, even now after having had, you know, kind of like, let all that pour out, still being able to confidently say that, like, right now, despite all of those things, that I can be grateful knowing where I am in life now and also despite how rough it may have been during the moments that it was, also being grateful for all of the things that I've had to go through, because I think that gives me an even greater sense of appreciation for where I am in my life right now. Like, had I not dealt with a lot of those things, I don't think I'd ever be able to appreciate the peace of this moment.

PJ: 00:50:03

So when you. When you speak of peace of this moment, what do you remember when you decided to prioritize your mental health?

Christopher: 00:50:10

So it's so funny because I talk about her so much, and you would think that I knew this lady and I don't. And I probably never would.

I don't know, I probably could pay to, like, take one of her classes or something, and she might, like, know my name for a week. But there's this author, her name is Jen Sincero, and she's written a series of books.

And the titles of, like, these four books are called, you're a badass. You're a badass at making money. You're a badass at changing habits. You're a badass.

You know how to change your attitude and live a more positive life. I don't know the exact titles of the books, but, like, there's a series of books called you're a badass.

And the very first one, I don't know, I think I was just in this place where. Where I felt helpless and I felt like I needed something to make me feel better.

And at that time, I was so very ignorant to anything spiritual that wasn't Christianity, anything that didn't have to do with God, Jesus, our Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Like, I didn't know anything about it, but, like, I read this book and it's so funny because I think I. I read the book, but I think I also, like, was listening to the audio, like, she reads her own audio books. And like.

Like, she talked about so many different things that opened my mind to so many things that I don't think I had ever even had the concept of affirmations, just that idea of, like, daily Being able to affirm yourself and not faking it until you make it, but, like, really, like, speaking life over yourself and telling yourself the truth in ways that maybe you didn't understand that it was the truth before.

And manifestation, something that I would have never believed in, something I would have never thought about, something that the church doesn't really teach you about, but, like, just manifestation and like, different principles of Buddha and just like, just so many different things. And I think for me at that point, it was like, you know what, bitch?

I'm gonna go buy some sage and some Palo Santo and we finna go get some motherfucking crystals, and I'm gonna start putting on some goddamn Tibetan singing bowl chants and music in this room, and we gonna start meditating and writing down our thought and like, really working towards growing and becoming a better person. So I can definitely say for me, and that was around. That was around that time when I was in Dallas.

I can't remember if it was before or after I lost my mom, but it was definitely during that time where I read that book. And it definitely put me on a path of, like, self discovery, because before that I was like, child, I'm just here, and one day I'm a die.

And I hope before I do, I get. I find a way to figure it out. I hope before I do, I find a way to feel better. Better. That I find a way to get to a place of purpose and success.

Because for a long time, my biggest fear was that I would never accomplish anything. That my. That ultimately I would end up being a failure.

PJ: 00:52:52

Here's the weird thing, right? We all have a journey. We all have a story. And by no means can I sit here, compare my life to yours, because I have not gone through chemo.

I have not gone through radiation. I have not gone through a third of those things.

Christopher: 00:53:07

Things.

PJ: 00:53:08

And I think there are moments where people always try to make their story harder than the other without it just acknowledging that it was just hard for you regardless. So I appreciate you sharing that, and I hope that the listeners listening gain something from that.

Just right there, listening to how you talk about it now and can see yourself, see themselves in you, if they can experience things of that day, nature.

Christopher: 00:53:35

So, yeah, it wasn't all bad, y'. All. I got to suck some nice dick during some of those times.

PJ: 00:53:41

My God. Well, so my journey with mental health has always has been as weird because you. I never knew that for me, myself, I didn't.

It didn't have a definition to. It didn't Have a. It didn't have a. I just thought that was me. I just thought that that's the way everybody felt.

I thought that's the way everybody was. Was dealing with things and just keeping them to themselves or I just thought that I was the only one experiencing what I'm experiencing.

You know, me, you know, I'm not dealing with anything major, health wise, that will go into. In this very moment. But I, you know, always felt like the odd man out, like I didn't belong.

Like I always would that weird person who cracks jokes, but, like, no one laughs, you know, and, you know, it's funny. Funny.

Christopher: 00:54:29

Y' all know that was funny.

PJ: 00:54:31

Okay, so why y' all front? But it just. Everybody always makes you feel like, you know, you don't belong here. You know, like.

Like, like the Plastics, you know, I always felt like that.

And I. I think that for me, whenever I hear someone else in their journey and what they went through, it actually empowers me because I know if they can get through it, so can I. If they can get through that hard ass that they went through, I can get through this little itty bitty stuff that I'm going through.

And the weird thing is, it may not be little itty bitty, too. It may be like, well, damn, I can't. I don't think. How. How did you do it? How's you gonna overcome that? You know?

But, yeah, what are we even talking about?

Christopher: 00:55:12

What are we even talking about? Listen to it now.

PJ: 00:55:22

So growing up. Let me ask you now I'm this. These questions are all for you. You are not to ask me anything.

Christopher: 00:55:28

I just don't appreciate how on your first availability to choose a topic, it's giving interview meme, but go ahead. I'm listening. You got it? No, you're fine. Go ahead.

PJ: 00:55:41

What do you think that there was. Has there ever been, like, a time where, like, you ever experienced challenges expressing this? Whatever you.

Was you going through to family members, to friends, to your confidants, to the person's dick you were sucking? Like, is there any time that you've ever felt like, I don't want to share this? And if. And if not, or if so, what did you do instead of sharing?

Christopher: 00:56:07

Definitely. So I grew up in a black household. I was raised as a black boy that was taught, stop all that damn crying. Stop being emotions make you weak.

Straighten your face. Stop all that whining. You know, like, stop being a little punk. Like, yeah, so. So definitely.

I think for a really long time, I was in spaces as to where I was trained to hold things in and trained to keep things to myself because I didn't want to seem weak. I didn't want to be vulnerable. I didn't want to feel like anybody was, like, judging me or looking down on.

I didn't want for it to wear my shame on my sleeves. I didn't want for anybody to be in my business. I think that was a thing too, like, within my household.

It was kind of very like, keep household, keep family business at home. And so, like, there were several experiences that I had for a really long time that I felt so very self conscious about.

And I can't even say, like, thinking about it now. I don't know what shifted in regard to me getting to that place. Maybe it was cancer. Maybe it was cancer.

And just like after you've gone through something that literally could have taken your life and now you like, okay, but damn. And oh, let me tell you this, because that's one thing I didn't say before. The whole time that I had cancer, I was so encouraged.

I remember when I found out, I cried. There were maybe three times the whole experience where I cried. I cried when I found out.

I cried one time when a doctor came in and told me that I weighed 132 pounds. I told them I didn't want to know how much I weighed anymore. I was like, My mom was like, why are you crying?

I was like, because if I lose any more weight, I'm going to wither away. And I cried when I found out that I was cancer free. But throughout that whole experience, I was so. I don't want to compare myself to anybody.

I was like. I was about to say I was so Gandhi, but it was very. Oh, it was very like, cancer is just a word, and words only have as much power as you give them.

And God's still victorious over everything. And I don't have it as bad as other people do. There are certain people that can't even move.

There are certain people that are balled up in a corner in pain. There are certain people that can barely get out of bed. And if nothing else, I can raise my hand and winkle my fingers. I can get up and move around.

I can have conversations with you. I may be very weak. I may be very tired. I may be very fragile and frail. I may be very sick, But I'm still able to get through my day.

And so I was so very, like, the person that I found because on top of the fact that I was dealing with it, everybody around me that knew and cared about me was also dealing with it because they were watching what I was going through and they were afraid and they were sad and they were like having to try to be strong for me, me, but also having to deal with their own emotions.

I was constantly having to try to reassure people that, like, I'm okay, but the mind fuck of it is preparing to die and then being told false alarm can really have some really interesting traumatic effects on you. Because I don't think that I ever expected. I never expected to be 31, furthermore, 40, almost 40. So to be beyond that.

I remember for like the next month after they told me that I was cancer free, especially being at home, especially now, knowing that as somebody who was fully versatile and had become so comfortable with being able to enjoy telling a man how he liked to be pounded, knowing that I would never be able to be pounded like a piece of veal again. Knowing that I would never be able to feel the warm, tender caress of a penis inside of my whole life again.

PJ: 00:59:38

Knowing that to be a veal of all.

Christopher: 00:59:40

I don't know.

PJ: 00:59:41

I feel like I've seen somebody say that in a movie before. Baby cat. Like something about being pounded like a piece of be.

Christopher: 00:59:48

You know, I'm ridiculous. You knew I was going to intentionally be ridiculous. I don't know why you're questioning me.

PJ: 00:59:54

But okay, go ahead.

Christopher: 00:59:56

But all of that being said, just knowing that like so many things had changed about, like, the ways that I could show up, knowing that, like, at this point, point, I'll never be able to experience that anymore. Knowing that now I won't feel as comfortable being close to anybody, furthermore, intimate with anybody.

Because now I feel like I'm carrying around this thing that makes me nasty. I felt so unsexy, so unbeautiful, so undesirable, so unattractive. I felt gross. And on top of that, now it's like, you guess what?

False alarm, you're not gonna die, so go figure out how to fuck to live the rest of your life.

PJ: 01:00:30

Life.

Christopher: 01:00:30

I was deep. Like, you want to talk about depression? Like, I was. I was down at the Doves. It was bad. Like, it was really, really bad. But.

And I forgot what led me to that because I was gonna make a point. But ultimately, just like, you know, being on the other side of that and really kind of coming back from that experience. What was your question?

Maybe that'll guide me back to what I was trying to say in that.

PJ: 01:00:53

No, my question was.

Christopher: 01:00:54

Oh, you were saying what made you okay yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it's like just like, it was really like I was.

I don't know, there were so many times where I just felt very isolated and alone and like, I couldn't depend on anybody and, like, nobody understood me. And so I think definitely, like I said, I got. I think I got to that place after cancer. That's how it happened.

I was like, it was going to circle back after cancer. It was kind of like, you know what, at this point that I started blogging. This was even before podcasts.

I think I had gotten like a blogger or like a blog spot or something. And I just started like posting blog posts about my journey and sharing it out with everybody in my phone. Like, I would text the link.

I wouldn't be like group text, but I like, individually go through my contacts. Everybody that I knew I could text, like, hey, bitch, go read this.

I got to a point where I was just like, I'm not holding back on anything anymore because it is honestly what I feel like on some levels have been keeping me trapped. Trapped. It's been keeping me stuck in these spaces of low vibes.

It's been keeping me stuck in these, like, really dumpy ass mental spaces is like, wanting to keep it bottled up and carrying that weight around by myself. There are other people. And it's so funny that you said this before about believing that you were.

That everybody was like this or like you were the only person that had to deal with things. I tell people this so often now.

The human experience, the fact that we all kind of convince ourselves sometimes that it's like it's our show and everybody else is supporting characters.

But like, this human, like, with all these billions of people on the earth, you don't think at least a thousand of them have gone through exactly what you're going through right now, if maybe not in the same exact way, at least to some degree of similar circumstance. So I think for me, that was kind of what it was. It became kind of what you said.

Let me start sharing my story to kind of help to inspire other people. Because that thought of, well, if I can go through this, yeah, you can definitely get through that. Bitch, I was out here dying and look at me now.

But also that idea of, like, holding things in sometimes will literally make you want to explode.

PJ: 01:03:02

Yes, yes, It'll. It'll. It'll. It can make you sicker.

Oh, it's so crazy because, like, okay, so we've talked about this before and I said this before again, like, you know, I used to Host a podcast called the DU Project, right? And there were moments where if the person couldn't get to the studio, I would come to them when they would come to me.

I had one person shout out to you. Mark Anthony. Not the artist, but Marc Anthony. That's the only name that he wants to give.

Christopher: 01:03:28

He didn't give.

PJ: 01:03:31

Okay, the one who was rolling his eyes. Not the one who's rolling his eyes. Jennifer. Jennifer Lopez. Because JLo, you know, like, oh, God, shut up. You know, because. Oh. But he.

We sat here and he wrote his letter, and his letter was to his. His lover that he had that died while they were together. I had known him for a long time, and I never knew that about him.

And it's one of those situations where I can remember we were sitting on the couch. I'm over here with my mic, he's over there with his mic, and he's telling me his story.

And later on, you know, as the conversation went on, now I share with him, him that I, too, have gone through this. And he had never been in the room with someone who had lost a partner, period.

So, no, everyone can always be like, oh, I understand, or I can empathize.

But he, like, you know, he can now he's finally in the room and he's speaking with someone, and it kind of, like, broke down, like, a little wall of, like, understanding and how it made it better for him, right, to get through this. The difference was his lover committed suicide. So that's sudden, right? Mine passed away from cancer, so I watched this happen. So. So it's still.

It's still similar, but different, right? So we're all going through something that's similar but different, right? And it's all different in our own, like, experiences, you know?

And, like, I admire you so much. Okay? I said this in the very first time. Like, he always said that he's not. It's never gave that about him kissing my ass.

But I always admire you for your tenacity, the way that you're able to smile through it all. But it was just so interesting for him to be here and for that to happen.

And, like, I'm so grateful for moments where I'm around people who I've witnessed, how you walk around with an air about you that isn't. Woe is me that isn't. Here is my story. Here's what I've been through, Feel sorry for me, blah, blah, blah, blah. Because I admire that about you.

Okay, this is what I was saying before, because I was saying that, you know, it never gave that for you kissing my ass. And I'm saying, I'm always going to give you your big ups about this.

I want more people to be like you, in a sense, and that's why we're doing this here. I want me more people to even know you and who you are because you're an amazing human being. All right, that's it. That's it.

Okay, now no more, because I'm not kissing your ass either.

Christopher: 01:06:08

I was like, that is very kind. Thank you.

PJ: 01:06:10

You. No, you know, with. With. With restraint, you know, because there are ways. We all have our ways of being sick and deranged.

Christopher: 01:06:18

Oh, yeah. You know, and in many ways, I'm a terrible human being.

PJ: 01:06:22

And. And all of the ways people can say whatever they want to say about me, you know. Hey, so, like, let me. Let me ask you, like, what.

What advice would you have for someone out there who is struggling, Struggling with a diagnosis, who is struggling with feeling like no one is there to support them throughout their healing, who is struggling with. The doctors can tell you one thing, but, you know, God tells you another. What.

What can you say for someone out there listening, based on what you've been through and where you are present day, what's the one thing that you think you could say?

Christopher: 01:07:03

That's a refreshing question, and I'll tell you why before I answer it.

For a really long time after having gone through cancer, one thing that I used to always say was that I didn't want to be a part of any support groups. I didn't. Like, everybody was like, you have a story to tell. You ought to share your testimony.

I didn't want to be anybody's motion motivational speaker. For me, my mind state was that I had gone through so much and it was so hard.

And then having the chance to be beyond it, I just wanted to move on with my life.

I wanted to, in whatever ways that could, find ways to just be beyond it and not have to think or deal with it anymore to the degree as to where I think if I could had certain things about my life not changed, I probably would have not told anybody.

But having grown and developed and, you know, experienced everything that I've experienced since then, the one thing that I would definitely say is that no matter what, and it doesn't necessarily have to just be, you know, a diagnosis, it doesn't necessarily have to be anything specific. But no matter what, you're never alone.

And I know that we hear people say that, and it seems like, oh, well, that's Nice to say, but right now, here I am by myself. But just that idea of, like I said earlier, the human experience, so many things being universal in ways that maybe we don't understand.

There's always somebody else that's gone through what you're going through.

Even if you don't have anybody in your direct reach, whether it's a family member, a friend, a relationship partner, somebody that you feel close to to, there's always somebody. And I know it seems, you know, sometimes people don't want to have to reach out to anybody, but there's always somebody to talk to.

And the one thing that I would honestly encourage somebody, and I don't want to say this is advice, but I'll offer encouragement. Try within whatever ways that you can to, not only because I understand, you know, you're fighting for your life sometimes.

And it doesn't necessarily have to be a physical battle. It can be mental, it can be emotional, it can be financial, it can be spiritual, and sometimes you're honestly fighting for yourself life.

But as it's easy to focus on all the negative aspects of a situation, while it's easy to focus on all the ways that something can be hard, and while the trial is going on, you can really lean into the experience of how challenging it is. Try your best within whatever ways you can to remember to focus on the good as well.

Try your best to kind of keep peace of mind, because that's really sometimes what can help push you through.

I can't say this because I know that paired with my attitude, paired with my spirit, paired with my energy, paired with the people that were praying for me. I also had an amazing team of doctors. I had a surgeon, I had an oncologist, I had a urologist.

I had all of these different people working to do whatever it took on the physical side of things to make sure that my health was good.

But I do definitely believe that my resolve, my mental, mental health, allowing myself to remain encouraged, allowing myself to keep motivated during that time really really pushed me over the edge and kind of kept me in that space to even want to keep going sometimes. I know there are people who are in cancer where they're like, treatment's too hard. I don't want to do it anymore. I give up.

Whatever is going to happen is going to happen.

But for me, it was more so the idea of I have to get through this, if nothing else, but because there are people that care about me, that want to see me be well. I don't want to let down the people that love me by having to deal with the fact that I'm not here anymore.

And I'm kind of talking in circles because it's challenging to like surmise what advice looks like from something that big of a space. But I would just definitely say try to in whatever ways that you can.

If you need somebody to talk to, find someone to talk to in whatever ways that you can remember things that you can be grateful for. Because no matter what, there's always something we wake up every morning that we're allowed to wake up.

Even if we're dealing with something that's challenging for us physically, we still have bodies. A lot of people are, you know, deteriorating in their bodies, deteriorating in their minds, deteriorating in their souls.

And we, on whatever level are still present, we still take up space, our lives still matter, we still hold value. Don't allow yourself to be defeated.

I know how discouraging things can be and I know how when things are stacked against you, you can feel like, oh, there's no hope, but don't allow yourself to be defeated by that.

Like there's so much space and room for growth, there's so much opportunity for things to develop and to change and right around the corner, and sometimes you might not even be able to believe it because it seems so far fetched, but right around the corner there can be a breakthrough that puts you in the position for your victory. And I'm not going to start preaching because that's not what this is.

But yeah, just, just that would be my words of encouragement for people who are dealing with anything that might put, put them in the position to feel like they are battling for their life because it's real out here. Life can be very hard. Times can be very hard. Like situations can be dire, but you're never alone.

Always remember to know that you have somebody that you can talk to. Even if it's picking, going online and like finding a number to call and like speaking to somebody on the other side of a hotline.

It may not seem as personal, but just knowing that you have somebody that's willing to listen to you, you and share some points of advisement and encouragement can really make a difference. And just remember to be grateful because no matter how bad it is, there's definitely somebody that's going through something worse.

I'll leave it there because before you know it, I' ma start preaching for real. And I ain't trying to get that deep.

PJ: 01:12:33

Well, you know what? I'll fix it then.

And no matter how bad you may feel about Yourself understand that there's always someone out there who's willing and wanting seem to pound you out or get pounded out by you.

Christopher: 01:12:45

The dick still works. I'm sorry, you're trying to bounce it.

PJ: 01:12:50

Out and here you go. There's somebody always out there.

And you know what's crazy and the real talk, and we've talked about this offline, I'm not going to get onto it online. But it's one thing when you're going through something and it's no one else's fault, not even your own.

And it's another thing when you're going through something thing and you're taking it out on everybody like it's their fault and they had nothing to do with it. We've talked about this before and like there, there are moments where it doesn't give you the right to be a dick to people or be a to people.

You know, like, we all have our own things. And again, I said before, like, my story is not as extreme or as hard as you as yours because I haven't lived or walked in your shoes.

But who is to say that whatever I went through is not, not something that you would be able to stomach or see through? Like, I've talked about this before.

Like, God forbid, even like myself as a smoker, like, I always think about it, like, God forbid one day I, like I was laying in bed the other day, I was like, I think I have cancer. And I was like, if I do, I don't know. I talked to you about this before. I said, I don't think I can do chemo. And I was like, yeah, just take me now.

Just, you know what?

Christopher: 01:13:57

Just.

PJ: 01:13:57

I'll just live. I'll survive my way through it or and then whatever is meant to be. Because I've seen, seen cancer as an ugly, nasty, cockeye little.

And I don't want to put myself through that. And I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it. So I commend you and everybody else who has walked the walk. So thank you. Thank you.

Christopher: 01:14:20

Wa ta Dot Podcast or wawida. Let me tell you so that you'll be prepared mentally and emotionally. Oh, baby, I can't wait. And I'm not going to do it next episode.

I'm going to wait until you least expect it. Your time is coming. Your time is coming because I feel like this was a setup. This was a setup, but your time is coming. The spotlight will be on you.

You will be the interviewee. You just wait. You just wait.

PJ: 01:14:59

I think that I'm going to call out of work that day. Well, guys, if you love what you heard so far, thank you so much for taking the time to listen. We greatly appreciate all you out there.

Spread the word, you know, let us, let us know how you feel and how actually can they do that.

Christopher: 01:15:17

Stop by and see us on Instagram. You can catch us at Wawida Podcast. I'm going to spell it for you just to make sure that we're on page.

W as in Whiskey, A as in Alpha, W as in Whiskey, E as in echo, T as in Tom, and A as in Alpha. That podcast Wawida, which stands for what are we even talking about?

Which is the name of this podcast, which if you've been listening up until now, you already know.

Also, if you would like to email us just to be a little bit more personal, maybe you're a little bit old fashioned, you can email us at Wawida Cat and if you need to know how to spell it, there's a rewind button right there for you. Where can people find you individually on. On social media if they want to look for you?

If they want to maybe send you a personal message and not want me all in their business.

PJ: 01:16:07

If you want someone like me. Hello from the other side. Now they're ran away.

If you want to follow me, I guess sure, that's I am, which is I amore Philip with two Ls P H I L L I P James J A M E, S On Instagram you can search for me if you're old school like me. Philip James on Facebook. Good luck because there are a thousand of them. Us. I'm the one with the big, the big head, the bald head.

And I pretty much look exactly like our picture. And also I am Phillip James on TikTok. What about you, sir?

Christopher: 01:16:54

All right. So bad. Let me give y' all a rundown because it's really simple. He'll underscore. With underscore Chris C H R I S on Instagram and TikTok.

And I think that's all I'm gonna give out because there's another username on different profiles. But now that we're healing with Chris, I'm gonna stop telling people to worry about what the fuck they're doing. That's just where we are.

PJ: 01:17:13

Because I know that people will listen who listen who have been here for a minute like I could have sworn it was. But you know what? Things change. People change. And we are trying to move into greater and better.

Christopher: 01:17:26

I mean, why we do but still.

PJ: 01:17:28

Worry about what the you doing. It's not worrying about what I'm doing but what I am not going to worry about is you parents out there worry about goddamn kids.

For you coming up in my face telling me how your child is and I should be no hea what you need to do is learn how to sit and teach. Thank you child how to read so much not know how to read. It's so always something kids who don't know how to read as he reels me back in.

Christopher: 01:17:54

We love it that you chose to spend your time that is so invaluable and that you can spend anywhere else here with us. Catch us at on our next episode. I'm out.

If you would like to find us on social media, you can do so on Instagram at Waita W a w e t a what are we even talking about? Acronym podcast. So that is Waita Podcast.

If you want to send us an email, questions, comments, concerns, you can do so@waitacastgmail.com that is wild. A w e t a.castgmail.com.