Gratitude in Personal Growth: Recognizing Life's Lessons
This podcast episode delves into the complexities of self-perception and identity within the LGBTQ+ community, focusing on the nuances of attraction and the often unrecognized signals individuals emit. We engage in a candid dialogue about the experiences of attraction and how societal expectations can influence personal interactions, particularly concerning masculinity and femininity. The discussion reveals the contrasting experiences of the speakers, highlighting moments of introspection regarding their own identities and how they are perceived by others. Furthermore, we explore the importance of understanding one's emotional availability and the implications it holds for relationships. This exploration not only invites listeners to reflect on their own experiences but also fosters a deeper understanding of the intricate dynamics that shape interpersonal connections within diverse communities.
In this episode we take a deep dive into the world of gratitude and it shows up in our lives.
What are you doing to show gratitude? Tell us all about it @ waweta.cast@gmail.com
Takeaways:
- The discussion centers around the complexities of sexual identity and the perceptions that come with it, highlighting how societal expectations shape individual experiences.
- Both speakers reflect on their personal journeys regarding sexual attraction, revealing a nuanced understanding of masculinity and femininity in their interactions with others.
- The conversation emphasizes the importance of acknowledging one's emotional availability and the potential impact of past experiences on current relationships.
- There is a critical exploration of the dynamics of respect and consent in sexual encounters, underscoring the significance of open communication in establishing boundaries.
- Listeners are encouraged to engage with their emotions and experiences, fostering a deeper understanding of themselves and their relationships with others.
- The podcast advocates for the practice of gratitude as a means of personal growth, illustrating how recognizing positive aspects in life can cultivate resilience and hope.
Links referenced in this episode:
Transcript
A big part of me wants to know, what in the homosexual vibes do I give off?
Speaker A:Where niggas just walk up to me and be like, hey, what's going on?
Speaker A:I saw you earlier, and I'm glad I ran into you again.
Speaker B:And what in the homosexual vibes do I not?
Speaker B:Because that's never happened to me before.
Speaker B:Never in my whole entire life.
Speaker B:And I've been many places.
Speaker B:Yeah, niggas don't hit on me.
Speaker B:And what's so crazy is when I wanted it to happen was, like, when I was younger, like, in my life, late teens, early 20s, when I worked in, like, service, like, grocery stores, restaurants, when I worked at the gas station, would not buy take the cuz.
Speaker B:Like, I'm very, like, eye contact, very.
Speaker B:Like, all that.
Speaker B:And, like, don't with it.
Speaker B:I guess I've always said that I'm not there.
Speaker B:I'm not trade type of gay.
Speaker A:But I don't think I am either.
Speaker B:I feel like they want somebody either incredibly feminine or incredibly masculine.
Speaker B:And I don't fall in the middle any.
Speaker B:Yeah, I'm in the middle, too.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:Well, what do you think?
Speaker A:Do you think I. Yeah.
Speaker A:Don't you think I'm, like, in the middle?
Speaker B:I don't think if I saw you out that I would just naturally assume that you were gay if you weren't talking or moving.
Speaker A:As soon as he opens his mouth, all the dicks fall out.
Speaker B:No, I would.
Speaker B:I'm not saying that either.
Speaker B:I'm just saying if you were just, like, chilling and, like, moving down the block or something, like, I don't think that that would occur to me.
Speaker A:But also, I have no problem with eye contact.
Speaker A:Like, somebody.
Speaker A:I was walking on the street one day, and they were like, somebody's gonna beat you up one of these days.
Speaker A:I said, and.
Speaker A:And as.
Speaker A:As long as I've been licking the booty hole, it's never happened.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:And I have walked up to men and said, you know what?
Speaker A:No disrespect.
Speaker A:I find you very attractive.
Speaker A:I don't know if you're into guys or anything like that.
Speaker A:And they have never, even the straight ones, they just been like, thank you.
Speaker A:I appreciate that, but I don't really get down like that, so.
Speaker A:Okay, cool.
Speaker A:My bad.
Speaker A:I didn't want to disrespect you, but I just want to let you know you're handsome.
Speaker A:And I think it's.
Speaker A:I think it's all an approach how people do it, you know?
Speaker B:Meanwhile, I'm like, what a dick?
Speaker A:But once again, that Is not like.
Speaker B:All that extra conversation is really sweet and nice and cute.
Speaker B:We love respect and good manners and all the, you know, respectability politics of it all.
Speaker B:But put a dick out, like, for real, like, right now.
Speaker B:Pull it out.
Speaker B:And while it's out, put it right here.
Speaker B:I'm ready when you are.
Speaker A:Listen, y' all here getting microphones and sounding foolish.
Speaker A:This is not just another podcast where two men are talking about and don't make any sense.
Speaker A:This is.
Speaker A:This is a real.
Speaker A:A real conversation for real adults.
Speaker B:What's Paulita?
Speaker A:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker A:Listen to it now, because you want to know what we're talking about.
Speaker A:What's up, King?
Speaker B:What's up, sir?
Speaker A:And what's up to all you out there?
Speaker A:Welcome to the what Are We Even.
Speaker B:Talking about podcast, where, you know, I say this every week.
Speaker B:Y' all know what this show is about.
Speaker B:This is why we.
Speaker B:One of us gonna come up with a topic.
Speaker B:Whenever we come up with the topic, the other person don't know about it.
Speaker B:The conversation gonna be real.
Speaker B:Y' all gonna enjoy it, get comfortable niggas.
Speaker A:Get y' all drinks, get y' all shits.
Speaker B:Like, at this point, I'm tired.
Speaker A:We finally switching it up a little bit, y', all, Yo.
Speaker A:But it's time to find out what are we even talking about?
Speaker B:He's him.
Speaker B:I'm me.
Speaker B:If you've been here, you know, that's pj.
Speaker B:I'm like.
Speaker B:I'm like, at this point, let's just go.
Speaker B:I'm ready to get into the conversation.
Speaker B:No offense to anybod here, if this is your first time joining, we definitely welcome you.
Speaker B:My co host here is the lovely sir pj.
Speaker B:I am King Christopher, but I need to get into some things, and this is not going to be rage bait.
Speaker B:I am not going to trauma dump.
Speaker B:I'm just ready to get the conversation going.
Speaker B:So welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome.
Speaker B:And welcome again.
Speaker B:Pj, if you want to say anything, I definitely don't want to steal the opportunity from.
Speaker A:I mean, you've already share opportunities, introductory.
Speaker B:Experience.
Speaker B:Tell the people to get their mocktails and their cocktails.
Speaker A:It's too late now.
Speaker A:We were already here, but it makes no.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:I actually want to roll, but I don't want to smoke while we do this.
Speaker A:We've already established what happens.
Speaker A:This episode is not gonna be brought to you by thc.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Even though it might be, because this is your week to choose the topic, so it is.
Speaker A:I might be okay to Smoke.
Speaker A:I just can't be.
Speaker A:I can't be.
Speaker A:I can't be smoking and be like, running this.
Speaker A:It's just that' it doesn't work out that way.
Speaker B:If you listened to last week's episode, you know that I introduced a new segment called Player to Skip it.
Speaker B:I'm gonna run that back because that was cute and fun for me.
Speaker B:Pj, I'm gonna give you a couple.
Speaker B:They're gonna be rapid fire.
Speaker B:You tell me.
Speaker A:So we're not gonna talk about how our weeks have been or nothing?
Speaker A:We're just gonna just go right into it, huh?
Speaker B:I'm ready to go, but I'm sorry.
Speaker B:Cause you're right.
Speaker B:I'm being very premature.
Speaker B:W A W E T A Dot podcast or Waweda Po ej, How has your week been?
Speaker B:Beep sigh.
Speaker A:My week is.
Speaker A:My week is.
Speaker A:All right, so I'll say this.
Speaker A:Here in New York, we've just had Black Black Pride, and unfortunately, I was unable to make any of those events.
Speaker A:I normally.
Speaker B:You were unable to make or you chose not to make?
Speaker A:I couldn't make it.
Speaker A:I worked.
Speaker A:I worked doubles most of it, most of the week.
Speaker A:And so, like, being a person who's, you know, I sit on a committee.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's been.
Speaker A:It's been a pleasure and a joy to be a part of this.
Speaker A:And it's like something that I really enjoy doing is something for community.
Speaker A:It's something that's bigger than myself and sparks a lot of the creativity.
Speaker A:It helps to, like, the libraness in me to socialize with people and then leave them when I'm ready to go.
Speaker A:So I've been kind of like in and out of depression over it.
Speaker A:Like, not over it, but just because there's no FOMO as it used to be.
Speaker A:But it's just.
Speaker A:I really wish I was able to do it because, you know, there were people.
Speaker A:I've been told, even, like.
Speaker A:Even though my son even told me, he's like, yo, we were looking for you.
Speaker A:And I. I told them that you had to work, but they were asking about you.
Speaker A:And I'm just like, you know, I don't know what to do.
Speaker A:This is, you know, I mean, there's nothing I can do.
Speaker A:I'm going to wait till next year.
Speaker A:But I did want to give a shout out if any.
Speaker A:If any people who are listening to this attended any of the events for New York City Black Pride, which was, you know, this third week in August.
Speaker A:We appreciate you.
Speaker A:You are the real ones.
Speaker A:In other news, I am going to revisit the conversation that never was about me being emotionally unavailable.
Speaker A:I realize that I am still emotionally unavailable.
Speaker A:I have given up.
Speaker A:I have raised my hands.
Speaker A:I don't think that there's, there's going to be anybody in my foreseeable future who will be able to capture my attention for longer than a week.
Speaker A:And maybe that's okay.
Speaker A:Maybe that'll change between now and next week.
Speaker A:Tune in next week to see.
Speaker A:But this week.
Speaker A:I, I don't, I don't, I don't.
Speaker A:I, I'm, I'm content.
Speaker A:There's somebody I follow on social media.
Speaker A:I've known him for quite some time.
Speaker A:Trade arrogant.
Speaker A:You, you've probably seen him.
Speaker A:He's pretty, he's pretty popular on social media, but he's a good friend of mine and he posted something today about like being a single man, a single gay man, single black gay man over the age of 35.
Speaker A:You know, and it's just like, you know, sometimes you have to be okay with that and not feel like, oh, I need to be with someone or, you know, like, I, I, I've accepted it, like it may not happen again and that's okay.
Speaker A:I wanted to, but hey, okay, I'm.
Speaker B:Good with that conclusion because I didn't know where we were going.
Speaker B:The one.
Speaker B:It too makes me feel secure because I thought we were gonna have to have deeper talk, but all good things.
Speaker A:No, I do, I do genuinely want it.
Speaker A:I do.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:It's just, you know, maybe it's how I want it is the hard, the hard truth that I need to face.
Speaker A:You know, we'll talk about that another time.
Speaker A:I get.
Speaker A:What about you, sir?
Speaker A:How be nigging gonna Nick.
Speaker B:So I'm not gonna say that.
Speaker B:How do I.
Speaker B:Okay, so I think that for some time and I'm just going to be really honest and completely transparent.
Speaker B:I think that for some time I have been experiencing a mental decline.
Speaker B:And I think that on some level I was trying to avoid it by keeping myself busy.
Speaker B:I think I said if I'm actively distracted, if I focus my intention on everything but the things that are like putting me in the position to not feel my best, I won't have to worry about it and it'll just like eventually go away.
Speaker B:And it's not going away.
Speaker B:And so I think just based on the fact that I have not been in the best mental space, everything that I've, everything that I've been required to do has felt like a major obligation and I have not been here for it.
Speaker B:Work has been incredibly hard because I don't want to do it.
Speaker B:And so on top of, like, not wanting to do it, having to force myself out of bed to log into the computer, having to force myself to make calls, talking to customers, doing all the things I've been having to deal with.
Speaker B:Bullshit attitudes and energies.
Speaker B:I got cursed out my last 30 minutes of work yesterday.
Speaker B:That's always fun.
Speaker B:So, like, I'm just, like.
Speaker B:I'm not going to say.
Speaker B:Like I said, it's not been a bad week.
Speaker B:And it's so interesting because as we go into the topic for this week, it is my week, so get ready.
Speaker B:As we go into the topic this week, I think that it'll kind of, like, be full circle, but I think I'm just in this space as to where I'm just, like, over a lot of stuff.
Speaker B:And I think once you get to that point, mentally, it's like, you need to.
Speaker B:There needs to be some movement at this point.
Speaker B:We need to make a shift because things stand the way that they are, especially with as over it as I am, it's not looking good for how the results could ultimately be.
Speaker B:Eventually, like I said, I got cussed out my last 30 minutes yesterday.
Speaker B:Eventually, a motherfucker gonna get cursed back out.
Speaker B:Like, I'm almost there.
Speaker B:I'm this close to being there, and it's like, I need my job.
Speaker B:The bills don't care.
Speaker B:My stomach doesn't.
Speaker B:My phone needs to be on.
Speaker B:Like, there's a lot that just is required of income.
Speaker B:So there needs to be a shift.
Speaker B:If anybody's hiring and you pay more than $35 an hour and the role is remote and I don't have to talk to anybody on the phone, and a degree in some casual experience in various fields suffices.
Speaker B:Hit me up.
Speaker B:I'm looking.
Speaker B:And if you missed what I said before that and all you heard was that I'm looking.
Speaker B:Talking about a job.
Speaker B:You nasty.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker B:Hello, New York.
Speaker A:New York agrees with you.
Speaker B:All right, now, I was a little rude earlier, and I apologize for that.
Speaker B:I really wasn't trying to, like, dismiss the listeners.
Speaker B:I was not trying to dismiss pj.
Speaker B:I think I'm just eager because.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Because.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:Moment of silence for.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:So I'm gonna get back into playing a.
Speaker B:Skip it before.
Speaker B:But before I do that, I'm gonna retract something that I said recently because I made the decision for myself that while I do respect the sanctity of relationship, and while I love, love, and I support everybody on their journey, to find it, to create it, to maintain it.
Speaker B: I'd be damned in: Speaker A:Wait, what?
Speaker B:So with that being said, I'm gonna say, hey, Chris, I kid now.
Speaker B:Now.
Speaker B:Play it or skip it.
Speaker B:Play it, skip it or repeat it.
Speaker B:Pj.
Speaker A:Yes, sir.
Speaker B:Brandi, have you weekend blinding lights.
Speaker A:Skip it.
Speaker A:Skip it.
Speaker A:There's nothing about the weekend we can go.
Speaker A:Weekend is.
Speaker A:He is not played in his house, Monica.
Speaker B:So gone play it.
Speaker B:The next one is scissors.
Speaker B:So we know what to do with that.
Speaker B:Let's see.
Speaker B:Kendrick Lamar's album, Good Kid, Mad City.
Speaker B:Rihanna's album, Anti.
Speaker B:Janelle Monae's album, the Arc Android.
Speaker A:We're gonna play that one.
Speaker A:We're gonna play that one.
Speaker A:We're gonna play that one.
Speaker A:I really did love that album.
Speaker B:Share My World by Mary J. Blige.
Speaker A:Play it.
Speaker B:Look, we're getting a lot of plays.
Speaker B:You, you, you're into it.
Speaker A:You're feeling it.
Speaker B:I see what's happening here.
Speaker B:A few more tlc, creep.
Speaker A:Play it on repeat.
Speaker B:Listen.
Speaker B:On motherfucking repeat.
Speaker B:Yes, on motherfucking repeat.
Speaker A:22Nd of loneliness.
Speaker B:It's the horns.
Speaker B:It's the, it's the horns in the beginning for me.
Speaker A:You know that video, number one, that, you know that that video was shot three times, right?
Speaker B:I, I recently saw a whole YouTube experience.
Speaker A:I remember when those came out and I was just like.
Speaker A:And they, they went with the third, which was the best one.
Speaker B:Everything okay.
Speaker B:Two more.
Speaker B:Jay Z.
Speaker B:Big pimping.
Speaker A:Skip it.
Speaker A:Poor J.
Speaker B:The album A Seat at the Table by Solange.
Speaker A:Skip it.
Speaker A:Really?
Speaker A:It's a good listen for maybe one or three times for me.
Speaker A:I mean, I, I'll.
Speaker A:It has to be.
Speaker A:That's your opinion.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm a skip.
Speaker A:You said, you said in this moment where.
Speaker B:Yeah, for sure.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:No judgment.
Speaker A:I'm just like.
Speaker B:Okay, all right, now give me what you got for a pork shop.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Is it my segment or you want me to ask you some songs?
Speaker B:No, no, give me what you got.
Speaker B:Your segment, man.
Speaker B:What, what, what did Marley wade to say and make it hot?
Speaker A:You know why?
Speaker A:I, I, I, I'm so glad that you decided to mix it up a little bit.
Speaker A:But what I'm gonna do is just take it back to the original.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Now these will be centered around what one of the things that I do.
Speaker A:And for those of you who do not Know, I also, besides teaching, besides podcast, besides produce, besides act, besides dance, besides whatever, I am also a hearse driver for.
Speaker B:I was gonna say he's a runner, he's a track star.
Speaker B:I don't know why that just came to mind.
Speaker A:I have no idea.
Speaker A:I'm a hearse driver for funeral services and I originally started my Tik Tok with story times, which all the crazy things that I experience and I have since let that go.
Speaker A:Or like do a lot of older, I post a lot of old ones and sometimes they're new ones, but not really as much as they used to be.
Speaker A:But in this instance, I felt the need for a whole new audience to just understand a few important things that comes to when it's time for a loved one to pass away and we need to do better, y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker A:Okay, There is one thing that we all ask of you at the end of the service when it's time to do the final view, people, I know you want to say hey to the family.
Speaker A:I know you want them to know that you were there.
Speaker A:But we're on a time crunch, people.
Speaker A:We're gonna need you to get your last glimpse, blow a kiss, do a quick hug and then keep it pushing because there's a line of people now when one person stops, it messes everybody up.
Speaker A:Come on, we all got, we all got some way to go.
Speaker A:Come know.
Speaker A:I know this may be a little hard for you all to understand this, but it's important.
Speaker A:And secondly, when we say everybody who's going to the cemetery, head to your cars, ladies and gentlemen, head to your car.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Because myself as a hearse driver, I will pull off without you.
Speaker A:The only car that we need to make sure that is with us is the limos that are that have been rented by the family.
Speaker A:Now if there are no limos, the main family is the most important people.
Speaker A:Okay, All y' all want to sit here and chit chat and yickety yakity y outside the church when we got to go, we have to be at the cemetery at a specific time.
Speaker A:And what you guys do not know is that a lot of times depending on what cemetery you're at, they'll charge overtime and or will not take the body.
Speaker A:So your loved one will go back to wherever it came from.
Speaker A:You will be paying another dig up service like another hole, however much it costs, plus that overtime that you just did to have them stay later, you know, and whatever feels comes with it.
Speaker A:So yeah.
Speaker A:And lastly, I don't care what's going on Listen, I know.
Speaker A:And it's always us.
Speaker A:It's always us.
Speaker A:The stop fighting at the funerals.
Speaker A:Stop.
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen, whatever.
Speaker A:I know that, you know, when you.
Speaker A:Losing a loved one is hard.
Speaker A:I've lost them.
Speaker A:I lost a parent.
Speaker A:I've lost a plethora of friends.
Speaker A:I've lost a lover.
Speaker A:I get it.
Speaker A:You just want to just somebody up, you know?
Speaker A:But, hey, ladies and gentlemen, carrying the casket out, and then you seeing that at the service that you ready to go, and you almost dropped the.
Speaker A:Because you left this.
Speaker A:The other six who were carrying it, and now the five people who are carrying it can't hold the casket and almost drop it.
Speaker A:Now how you gonna feel if your mom gonna be rolled then?
Speaker A:You don't even know that.
Speaker A:The fact that in the casket, she's half dressed.
Speaker A:So now her.
Speaker A:Her.
Speaker A:You know, she's wrapped in plastic.
Speaker A:There's a lot of things that you guys don't know about services.
Speaker A:And maybe someday I might actually share a little bit more things that you should know about these things.
Speaker A:But y' all need to do better, man.
Speaker A:Like, hold your anger in until later.
Speaker A:Not at this.
Speaker A:Not at the funeral, not at the service, okay?
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I know I said that was the last one, but I lied.
Speaker A:And another one.
Speaker A:And this is the most important one, okay?
Speaker A:The funeral director and the people who are at the church, they give you direction because this is what is supposed to be done.
Speaker A:All right?
Speaker A:Let's do better, y', all, okay?
Speaker A:You just can't do whatever the you want if your family has not.
Speaker A:Is the kind of family who has never stepped foot in the church.
Speaker A:Have it at a funeral home, okay?
Speaker A:Don't.
Speaker A:Don't bring that into no church.
Speaker A:Why are y' all passing out tequila in the back row of the back pew?
Speaker A:Why are the church people scared to talk?
Speaker A:Because you guys don't know how to be adults and have some respect for the house of the Lord, okay?
Speaker A:Have it at a funeral home.
Speaker A:There you can be as ratchet as you want to be, okay?
Speaker A:I said it's just.
Speaker A:It's just.
Speaker A:Do better, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:Let's do better.
Speaker B:That was all very helpful information.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for that.
Speaker B:I did not know that the people were fighting at funerals.
Speaker B:Oh, my God.
Speaker B:That's news for me.
Speaker A:No, they literally, like, there.
Speaker A:There's always a prayer like, please don't let this be the family that.
Speaker A:For fights.
Speaker A:I had a family just the other day that got into a fight with the people at the.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The groundskeepers as they Were taking the body out of the hearse, which is their job, to put it on the cart, to wheel it to the grave.
Speaker A:He jumped out the car and said, yo, what the you doing with my mama?
Speaker A:My job, like.
Speaker A:And he.
Speaker A:He grabbed this man by the arm.
Speaker A:I ain't never seen that.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Because they wanted to carry it themselves.
Speaker A:But that's a conversation.
Speaker A:If you have a specific thing that you would like to do, you need to express that to the funeral director so they can do the necessary things because it's involved.
Speaker A:There's insurance.
Speaker A:It's all these different things that come into play.
Speaker A:You just can't do whatever the you want whenever the you want to.
Speaker A:Okay, this ain't your living room.
Speaker A:This ain't your house.
Speaker B:This is God's house.
Speaker B:I was with you all the way.
Speaker A:Up until that moment.
Speaker A:Well, the church is God's house, isn't it?
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker B:And I. I. I believe that to be true.
Speaker A:Can't come into the church.
Speaker A:Like, you know, they put the things down in the center for a reason.
Speaker A:You can't walk down that way.
Speaker B:Oh, do better, y', all, please.
Speaker A:I'm done.
Speaker A:So, okay.
Speaker A:While I sit here and stare at my dog, and he's asking me these questions, like, I think he wants to go outside, but he knows he can.
Speaker A:But I'm going to ask you.
Speaker B:What.
Speaker A:Are we even talking about?
Speaker B:I'm so glad you asked.
Speaker B:And now I feel like I can, like, take my time and settle in because I was very abrupt and very hasty in trying to get to this place.
Speaker B:But I would like for you to, if you don't mind, while we're here, as I'm kind of introducing the topic.
Speaker B:So go ahead and roll up that blunt.
Speaker B:I don't think it requires for you to not be high for the conversation we're about to have.
Speaker B:So I definitely feel that if that's something that you feel would give you a little bit of ease right now, bring a sense of joy to your spirit.
Speaker B:Please roll away now.
Speaker B:As I say that.
Speaker B:As I say that, I do want to say.
Speaker B:So just kind of touching back on what I was saying before.
Speaker A:Wait, hold on for a second.
Speaker B:Sure.
Speaker B:Listen.
Speaker B:So as I said before, this has been kind of, like, a rough time for me mentally, and one of the struggle areas for me, and it's.
Speaker B:It's so funny.
Speaker B:Like, if you've experienced therapy, extensive therapy in the way that I have, I think whenever you're going through something, one of the toughest things is to, like, remember all those tools that you have in your toolkit.
Speaker B:It's like, oh, well, I have, you know, resources for this.
Speaker B:I have tools for this.
Speaker B:I've learned methods of coping with these times.
Speaker B:However, in the moment, like when things are feeling overwhelming, when you're actually in that space of kind of being stuck in your head, when you get to a point of feeling really, really down, a lot of times, like, all of that shit just goes out the window.
Speaker B:There's no thought process about it.
Speaker B:Like, you can't even imagine.
Speaker B:Like, oh, I'm a, you know, a really well developed, semi healed individual and I know how to deal with this.
Speaker B:I've dealt with this before.
Speaker B:I've dealt with worse than this.
Speaker B:And one of the things for me that I often struggle with and that I find is very, very helpful is that in the midst of any experience, good, bad, up, down, no matter what, is that it's so important to remember all the things, all the things that you can think of that you have to be grateful for.
Speaker B:That was the papers, y', all, so.
Speaker B:Or pardon me, the.
Speaker B:What do you call those?
Speaker A:The roll ups.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The paper.
Speaker B:The rolling paper.
Speaker B:Okay, got it.
Speaker B:Because I thought I was like, I thought I was thinking.
Speaker B:What do you call those things?
Speaker B:Raw cones.
Speaker A:Yeah, these are raw.
Speaker A:Raw papers.
Speaker B:Okay, gotcha.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I think it's really important to be able to remember all the things that you're grateful for.
Speaker B:So today we are going to be talking about gratitude, which, you know, Let me roll up.
Speaker B:Yeah, I figured, let's do it.
Speaker B:That's why I said, yeah, go ahead and get your, get your.
Speaker B:Get your cocktails, your mocktails and your.
Speaker A:Blunts.
Speaker B:And he is rolling so quickly, ladies and gentlemen and non binary persons, he is rolling so quick.
Speaker B:He's like, let me hurry up and get this mother.
Speaker B:But yeah, and so it's one of those things.
Speaker B:And I talk about it a lot from that space of I think when you're thinking about, okay, what do I have to be grateful for?
Speaker B:You know, and of course, we all kind of go to like those.
Speaker B:Hold on, he's lighting up.
Speaker B:There we go.
Speaker B:Puff, puff.
Speaker B:I wish you could pass, but that's okay.
Speaker B:We're here you.
Speaker B:Thank you.
Speaker B:So it's one of those things where I think, generally speaking, like, yeah, we think about those innate.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:The ability of my senses, the ability of my limbs.
Speaker B:Thank you for, you know, the, the clothes, the shelter, like all of those different things.
Speaker B:But I wonder, like, in general, like, outside of, like, the things that I feel like are kind of common to all and that's all.
Speaker B:But to most people, most people that you know, what do you find?
Speaker B:And pj, I'm going to ask you, what do you find are unique things that are part of your experience that you feel like you're grateful for?
Speaker B:And if anything, so it's a two part question.
Speaker B:What are some of the unique things that are part of your life's experience that you're grateful for?
Speaker B:And what are some things that you think that you might be grateful for that people would be surprised by?
Speaker B:Because maybe it's just not something that.
Speaker B:That people would imagine someone would be grateful for.
Speaker A:So here's the one thing that I am grateful for.
Speaker A:And I just want to lead off with this.
Speaker A:Yeah, I'm grateful for understanding.
Speaker A:Like, I understand that there's a part of me that's not really healed.
Speaker A:And so I'm grateful that I know that in some instances I'm not really healed, but I know my actions could get me an orange.
Speaker A:So I don't want to be locked up.
Speaker A:So I understand.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for, like, being able to make those decisions in those moments where I could go to jail.
Speaker A:And I don't want to, you know, I don't want to lose a lot of liberties that I have as a free man walking around, especially as a free black man who's never been locked up.
Speaker A:Up.
Speaker A:I want to record, you know, and I know that that could.
Speaker A:That could happen at any moment, because I can snap at any moment.
Speaker B:So prep, processing, rationalizing, right?
Speaker B:It's kind of slowing down slow, like.
Speaker A:You know, taking a breath, taking a breath, you know, and just be like, okay, all right.
Speaker A:I know what this feels like.
Speaker A:Let me just walk over here.
Speaker A:Let me just do this.
Speaker A:And then the other part that.
Speaker A:See, I'm not sure if people would know that or would not really know that about me because I'm such a nice guy or I'm such a kind guy.
Speaker A:I'm not nice.
Speaker A:I'm not.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for the fact that I'm not under anybody's thumb.
Speaker A:You know, no one is going to tell me how or what to do to live my life in the best way that I know how.
Speaker A:I can express.
Speaker A:You can express your opinions, but ultimately it is my choice.
Speaker A:And I'm grateful for, like, having my right frame of mind to make these choices where I don't end up in orange.
Speaker A:You know, we're gonna always go back there, because I could easily just.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:I. I think people keep.
Speaker A:They let this love and light fool you.
Speaker A:They let this look, I'm wearing a T shirt that says love is love.
Speaker A:They wait, they let this fool you.
Speaker A:But I'm not a violent guy whatsoever.
Speaker A:But if I do become, I don't know how to stop, stop.
Speaker A:So that's why, you know, I know myself, I'm grateful for that.
Speaker B:Yeah, I get that.
Speaker B:So for the first portion of it, I think something that's unique about my experience that I am grateful for is that what I've learned.
Speaker B:And it's something that I've been learning my entire life.
Speaker B:And as you get older, I think it becomes a stronger thing for you.
Speaker B:And at least I can say for myself, I don't know if anybody else can relate this to, to this.
Speaker B:But like that whole when you know better, you do better, that kind of starts to tap at you sometimes can like start to try to bang at you a little bit because like, you want to be in your head about like, I, I, I know this already.
Speaker B:Why am I still making these same mistakes?
Speaker B:Like, I've already paid these dues.
Speaker B:Why am I still having these negative experiences?
Speaker B:Or why are things not the way that I want them to be yet?
Speaker B:Or I've already, I'm at a point now where I shouldn't be doing the same old dumb.
Speaker B:But with all that being said, what I've learned to recognize for myself, and it's something that I think I only recently developed the understanding of because for a while I was like, I just felt bad about myself because it's like, wow, like you keep doing these things.
Speaker B:One thing that I'm grateful for being able to recognize as a concept now is that no matter what choices I make, it doesn't matter.
Speaker B:It could be the, literally the worst decision that I could ever make.
Speaker B:At the end of the day, tomorrow is a new day and everything is okay if I spend to my last penny, if I put max out every credit card, if I put three accounts in the negative, as of right now, I still have a job, there's still more money coming in.
Speaker B:I still have the opportunity at some point to make it up.
Speaker B:There's still, there's another opportunity to make better of your circumstances as long as you keep moving forward and you don't give up and you don't allow yourself to get stuck in any negative belief system that it's not possible to make better of your circumstances in your situation.
Speaker B:So that's the first part, the second part, and I don't really, I talk about this topic quite often, but I don't talk about it from this place enough.
Speaker B:The one thing that I'm thankful for, that I think people would be surprised by, is that I'm thankful that I was diagnosed with cancer.
Speaker B:And so for anybody who that might trigger, because I understand cancer, all day, every day, her from here to there, her everywhere.
Speaker B:I understand.
Speaker B:And if you lost anybody, I'm not trying in any way to be insensitive to that.
Speaker B:But.
Speaker B:But I believe, and this is strictly for myself, I believe that I was in a space where I was lost.
Speaker B:I believed that I was in a space where I was too consumed in my own stuff to pay attention to what God was trying to show me.
Speaker B:I believed that I was moving too quickly and I was just out here just being wild and random and busy and free and that God needed to slow me down.
Speaker B:And on the opposite side of this is HIV is a part of your experience.
Speaker B:I don't say this to trigger you, but I'm just gonna say it because this is my truth.
Speaker B:I believe that at that time and just to put it into the universe, I am now as a 41 year old man, every time I, you know, have to renew my prep, every three months, I get tested.
Speaker B:To this date, I have never tested positive for hiv.
Speaker B:However, with the lifestyle that I have lived, it's a wonder.
Speaker B:It's a wonder.
Speaker B:So it's one of those things where I believe that God wanted to slow me down.
Speaker B:He wanted me to sit up and pay attention and he had to find a way that was going to work with what was best for me to make that happen.
Speaker B:And had it been an std, had it been an sti, had it been anything that, where a could have told me, oh well, you could take a pill and still be out here doing what you want to do, it wouldn't have had the same impact as, okay, well, you're going to be sick and you're going to lose weight and this treatment is going to feel like it's killing you.
Speaker B:And on top of that, you're going to have to have multiple surgeries that are going to completely change your body.
Speaker B:And the ways that you're able to show up in the world and the ways, the different abilities that you have as far as this experience, because I feel like we've talked about this before about how it's so funny.
Speaker B:TLC in House Party 3, the name of their group was Sex as a weapon.
Speaker B:TLC was in House Party 3.
Speaker B:And the name of the group that they played in the movie was called Sex as a Weapon.
Speaker B:Because I was literally Outside using sex as a weapon.
Speaker B:It was my superpower.
Speaker B:And I knew that I was a superhero, and I was actively out here saving lives with my sex.
Speaker B:And I needed to slow down.
Speaker B:I needed to slow down.
Speaker B:I needed to regroup.
Speaker B:I needed to refocus.
Speaker B:I needed some structure.
Speaker B:I needed to just get my together.
Speaker B:And I think God said, you know what?
Speaker B:This ain't gonna get it.
Speaker B:I got you one better.
Speaker B:Now, what I always say is, God, I got it.
Speaker B:You'd have to take my ass.
Speaker B:You have to take my ass.
Speaker B:But I'm grateful for having had that experience, because I believe on so many levels that it taught me so many things about myself.
Speaker B:It taught me so many lessons of humility.
Speaker B:It taught me the power of love.
Speaker B:It connected me so closely with so many people.
Speaker B:It matured me, I can definitely say, as the person that I am right now, even at this age, had I not had that experience, I don't think I would be as mature as I am.
Speaker B:So as hard as it is to admit and as hard as it may be for some to hear, I'm grateful that that happened to me and for me, because it helped to develop me into the man that I am today.
Speaker A:A moment in silence for that and an applause.
Speaker A:A resounding applause.
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen, let's stand up for the King, the one, the only King Christopher.
Speaker A:Okay, you're telling this truth like that, you know, and so remember the episode, our sex episode, right?
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker A:The illustrious episode number five, which, by the way, is hilarious to me.
Speaker A:That isn't five, because five is my favorite number.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:And it's, like, really strong.
Speaker A:Within my fraternity, shout out to the brothers of Iota Phi Theta.
Speaker A:I had made a statement, if you recall, where someone said to me about, like, how many people lie, you know, had sex with.
Speaker A:And I told them that I was positive.
Speaker A:They said, of course you.
Speaker A:You would have.
Speaker A:And not knowing where my trauma comes from.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Or knowing how I was diagnosed or knowing that my first time with the man is what got me this.
Speaker A:We can save that for another conversation for a whole nother day.
Speaker A:Maybe that could be the one that you can, like, you know, maybe let me know.
Speaker A:You want to do that.
Speaker A:First, I need to know if I wouldn't be triggered.
Speaker B:It was like, it won't.
Speaker B:It won't be unbeknownst to the other that week.
Speaker A:But it can be.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker A:Well, okay.
Speaker A:Yeah, please, let's not.
Speaker A:But I am grateful, so I'm.
Speaker A:I'm so glad you said that, because there was a time where, like, you know, and I'm so glad for the doctors I've had.
Speaker A:I'm so glad for the people I've had in my life, the support system.
Speaker A:I'm actually grateful for them.
Speaker A:Them.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's one of the biggest things that I think I should have said at the very beginning.
Speaker A:The support system that I've had for these past.
Speaker A:Going on 27 years now.
Speaker A:Oh, I didn't even recognize it.
Speaker A:August 1st made 27 years for me.
Speaker B:Since diagnosis, since diagnosed.
Speaker B:Okay, there.
Speaker A:Let's go ahead and wait.
Speaker A:Let's just make sure.
Speaker A:We're gonna.
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna do some.
Speaker B:Math right quick with the calculator.
Speaker A:Just to make sure that we're accurate.
Speaker A:I don't understand wrong numbers.
Speaker B:One, two.
Speaker B:All I can think about was Fanny.
Speaker A:LaBelle when you said, why was I thinking about the ABC1?
Speaker A:In my head.
Speaker A:Patty.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:27 years.
Speaker A:Yeah, okay.
Speaker A:I know, I know, I know.
Speaker B:I know how to count.
Speaker A: Oh, since: Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:Even though I've made some reckless decisions and still struggle with these reckless decisions, I know that where I am in my life, I would not be, had it not been for that support system that I've had, who instills in me the Know better, do better.
Speaker A:You've been through this.
Speaker A:There was a good friend of mine.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for her.
Speaker A:Just gonna snowball this for a quick second, because I did want to give a shout out because I know that she may listen.
Speaker A:Shout out to NA AKA Angelica Jimenez of the Bronx.
Speaker A:She was one of the most important people to me when it came down to the part of me actually sharing my story and, like, you know, speaking my truth, and started doing this.
Speaker A:And she.
Speaker A:She one day read my cards, and she didn't know anything about me.
Speaker A:And it was.
Speaker A:She.
Speaker A:She.
Speaker A:She's.
Speaker A:She's my office wife, so she knew almost everything about me, but she didn't know my status at that moment.
Speaker A:And she read my cards, and, you know, we was here chilling, and she says, you have two roads that you can take right now, and you have to make a choice on what you want to do.
Speaker A:And this is before I told her, you can choose the route of addiction, of struggle, and of constant repetition, or the.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The road.
Speaker A:And it was based on these two cards, based on the roads of purpose and truth and honesty.
Speaker A:One of them will lead you the right way, and one of them obviously will I.
Speaker A:And I was like, Well, I drank a lot.
Speaker A:Like, I was drinking a lot.
Speaker A:I was basically like another alcoholic, but not, like, not a. I need a drink in the morning, but every single night.
Speaker A:I was just.
Speaker A:It was just too much, you know?
Speaker A:But I wasn't.
Speaker A:I'm not even gonna, like, sugarcoat it.
Speaker A:I was an alcoholic and just changing my.
Speaker A:Like, I'm grateful for her for that moment, for changing my perspective on.
Speaker A:Okay, she didn't even know I had that problem.
Speaker A:Or maybe she did.
Speaker A:Who knows?
Speaker A:Maybe it was all premeditated.
Speaker A:But either way, the message that she gave me in that moment was needed it.
Speaker A:I'm just jumping in.
Speaker B:I'm proud.
Speaker B:I'm proud of you for saying that.
Speaker B:But really quickly and just so I can be as.
Speaker B:As much as I just said a moment ago that I'm so mature because of cancer and all the things that it did for me, I would be remiss to not say that.
Speaker B:I love a good snowball.
Speaker B:Continue.
Speaker A:You know, for the one who keeps saying that is not my.
Speaker A:You know, I want to roll the tapes back every single time you say that.
Speaker A:But I.
Speaker A:But you said continue.
Speaker A:No, you had the.
Speaker A:You had the floor.
Speaker A:This is your.
Speaker B:No, no, absolutely.
Speaker B:But I.
Speaker B:Well, no, I didn't.
Speaker B:I just wanted to make sure I wasn't cutting off your story.
Speaker B:But I would also wonder, is there anything in your life right now that you feel like you've learned to be grateful for that maybe in the past you weren't necessarily in that same space of gratitude.
Speaker B:Like, it took some time to develop it and, like, practice it into your experience.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for the energy of content.
Speaker A:Like, to just be happy, to just be cool, to just understand everything is everything.
Speaker A:Whatever.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker A:There's this saying that always gets me, and it just bothers me to my core.
Speaker A:And it's the, well, it is what it is kind of situation.
Speaker A:And the reason why it is.
Speaker A:It.
Speaker A:It gets me to my core because it is what it is, but it's also what you make it.
Speaker A:Your perception, how you perceive this changes everything.
Speaker A:Your perspective is the most important.
Speaker A:That's what I'm so grateful for.
Speaker A:Like, as I've gotten older now, understanding perspective and being able to not only just see mine, but see others that make sense, that could make sense to them because they're stupid or don't know better, you know, Let me not say because they're stupid.
Speaker A:But, you know, I.
Speaker A:It just makes sense for that's how.
Speaker A:Of course you would think that way.
Speaker A:And I get it, so.
Speaker A:But now I don't excuse it because we've now had this conversation.
Speaker A:So now you should be aware that that's the wrong.
Speaker A:That's not right.
Speaker A:I mean, you're entitled to your feelings, which I think people also misunderstand that portion of that conversation.
Speaker A:But that's for another conversation too.
Speaker A:Maybe not, but.
Speaker B:Interesting.
Speaker A:Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Speaker B:I'm sorry.
Speaker B:Go ahead.
Speaker A:Because I think I was going somewhere and I was.
Speaker A:Got sidetracked again.
Speaker A:Let me smoke another.
Speaker B:No, you're good.
Speaker B:Do your thing.
Speaker B:This is why we keep.
Speaker B:This is why the episodes are brought to you by Pad.
Speaker A:I.
Speaker A:Sitting here.
Speaker A:Right here too.
Speaker A:Had.
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen, I don't think that episode ever aired.
Speaker A:And it was one that we started on here and the audio wasn't right.
Speaker A:And then we moved on and so.
Speaker B:And then I made a very expensive impulse purchase so that we would not have that issue again.
Speaker B:And now I have an imac.
Speaker A:And was it not a good purchase?
Speaker B:It was.
Speaker B:I use my imac every day.
Speaker B:I love her.
Speaker B:Okay, her name is Jessica.
Speaker A:Oh, like Jessica Rabbit?
Speaker B:No, like Jessica who?
Speaker B:Just Jessica.
Speaker A:Oh, she's her own thing.
Speaker A:What color is she?
Speaker A:Green.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, you did get kind of.
Speaker B:Like a soft mint.
Speaker A:Ladies and gentlemen.
Speaker A:Okay, for those of you who are watching this, they're gonna be clips that I could.
Speaker A:I should make that a thing.
Speaker A:Let me stop waving this weed in the face because I can now use it.
Speaker A:Listen, anyway.
Speaker B:Put your lighters up.
Speaker A:No.
Speaker B:Yeah, no, you lost it.
Speaker A:Yeah, I did.
Speaker B:And that's okay.
Speaker B:That's okay.
Speaker A:See you.
Speaker A:And you, you purposely said roll up because you knew.
Speaker B:No, I said roll up because I knew that this would be like, I wanted it to be like a lighter, more introspective conversation.
Speaker B:Like, I think sometimes we have conversations and they're really, really serious.
Speaker B:And it was.
Speaker B:We need to be very, like, sober minded and laser focused.
Speaker B:Like, I wanted this to be a little bit more fun.
Speaker B:And then two, if I'm being honest, I was going to wait to the end to say this, but I'll say it now.
Speaker B:This is a very healing conversation for me.
Speaker B:Saying the things that I'm saying, hearing the things that you're saying, knowing that other people are going to hear the words that we're saying and kind of maybe feel inspired by something.
Speaker B:This is a very healing conversation for me because I can honestly say the past several weeks, for me, I have been like, I'll be honest and I'll say this out loud.
Speaker B:I never get to a place of like, I don't want to be here anymore.
Speaker B:I just get to the point of, like, sometimes where I'm just like, I want all this shit to stop, but I have to be mindful of how I put words into the universe because I never want God to believe.
Speaker B:Like, all right, nigga, I'm ready to go.
Speaker B:You can go ahead.
Speaker B:Because, like, I still have shit I want to do.
Speaker B:I just want things to be different, to be better, to move at a different rate of speed than what they currently are, because everything just feels like it is snail trailing in my life.
Speaker A:This goes back to the conversation we was having before about manifestation.
Speaker A:Like, words being thin, words being.
Speaker B:Yes, right.
Speaker A:So I was just having this conversation with the funeral director I was working with today.
Speaker A:Hilarious.
Speaker A:Love her.
Speaker A:She's shout out to you, Del, if she ever listens.
Speaker A:You know I'm talking about you.
Speaker A:But I've talked to her about the podcast, so, hey, she may listen someday.
Speaker A:Then she'll realize, oh, he's gay.
Speaker A:So I was just saying to her because she was just like.
Speaker A:She was saying to God, she's like, dang, I don't want to be inside no more.
Speaker B:I want to be out.
Speaker A:I want to be outside.
Speaker A:She said, this was not what I meant.
Speaker A:God.
Speaker A:I did not mean I wanted to work every day.
Speaker A:I wanted to be outside having fun.
Speaker A:No, you said I wanted to be outside.
Speaker A:You're outside at the cemetery.
Speaker A:You asked for you specific when you want these things and whatever it is that you.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So for show.
Speaker B:For show.
Speaker A:But let me ask you a question.
Speaker B:Wait, because I have to answer the question I asked you.
Speaker A:You never answered my question.
Speaker B:What question?
Speaker A:Well, it was.
Speaker A:It wasn't.
Speaker A:I think I interrupted you when you said you.
Speaker B:Yeah, me.
Speaker A:For saying what I said.
Speaker A:I think.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:But I was gonna say in response to the question that I asked you what I think I've learned to be grateful for that I was once wasn't.
Speaker B:I've learned to be grateful that, for whatever reason, my biological father decided not to be a part of my life for a really long time.
Speaker B:That haunted me.
Speaker B:It made me feel like it was the reason that I had so many issues in my life.
Speaker B:It made me believe that it was the reason that I had problems connecting with men.
Speaker B:It made me feel like it was a problem that I felt so insecure with myself.
Speaker B:It made me believe that it was the reason that I had so many struggles and love.
Speaker B:It made me believe that.
Speaker B:I mean, ultimately, it created an abandonment issue for me at a very early age.
Speaker B:So, like, there were several things that played a Part in that.
Speaker B:And I don't know what.
Speaker B:I don't know what the moment was that I.
Speaker B:Where I connected with this.
Speaker B:And I don't know what changed the tide in my perspective, but one day it just came to me.
Speaker B:I said, a person that, for whatever reason, felt that either they weren't ready or they just lacked the desire and could look at a baby that was as beautiful as I was and make the decision to say, hey, I don't want to have anything to do with this.
Speaker B:He's going to have to live the rest of his life not being able to have a relationship with me.
Speaker B:I'm going to sacrifice any rights and privileges that I might have as a part of this person's life and the person that he becomes.
Speaker B:And I'm going to go on living my life as if he never existed.
Speaker B:I have to be grateful for what I was protected from and not having a relationship with that type of person, because to imagine all of the potential broken promises, to imagine all of the disappointment, to imagine the constant and repeated letdown, I think that would have been worse to some degree, to have had an experience with that type of person that would have ultimately always had me sad, would have always had me disappointed, would have always been present and making me feel rejected, as opposed to just completely removing your presence and me having to feel like I was missing something, but still having the mother that was my mother, and that having been as amazing of an experience as it was.
Speaker A:But isn't it interesting how the same experience can actually have two different effects on you simultaneously?
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:Two things can definitely be true for.
Speaker A:Sure at the same time.
Speaker A:Because here's the crazy thing.
Speaker A:Like, I. I understand exactly where you're coming from.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:And then at the same time, you know, because I met my biological father at 24, and so I.
Speaker A:He failed the test miserably.
Speaker A:I lent him $40 when I first met him, you know, and he.
Speaker A:That was the last I heard from him until he was 30.
Speaker A:Until I was 33 and 32, actually.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And I never wanted to have a relationship with him.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:Because I already.
Speaker A:I was raised by another man.
Speaker A:Raised me as his son, you know, be that as it may.
Speaker A:So I.
Speaker A:When I got older, I was grateful for the relationship that we did build.
Speaker A:Build.
Speaker A:Only because now I'm the eldest of 12.
Speaker A:Because I have all these brothers and sisters and meaning, like the youngest.
Speaker A:My youngest brother who's now 16.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:And.
Speaker A:And also to find out that of the nine of us.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Nine of Us six of us.
Speaker A:Seven of us are.
Speaker A:How you doing?
Speaker A:I knew that.
Speaker B:I knew everything in my heart knew that that was what you were about.
Speaker A:To say, you know, from the guys to the girls, Hey, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:This family.
Speaker A:But I'm so.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for that.
Speaker A:But I'm also grateful.
Speaker A:I didn't even really think about it in that.
Speaker A:In that light, as far as him not being present, because I was raised to know that my father wasn't my father.
Speaker A:My.
Speaker A:My dad wasn't my father, but I would.
Speaker A:He was.
Speaker A:I. I would never question my mother about out my real father.
Speaker A:And I didn't have to, because when I turned 21, my grandparents said, hey, so you.
Speaker A:You a man now.
Speaker A:That's what my grandfather said.
Speaker A:He said, you already know who your daddy is.
Speaker A:I'm like, so you tell me this now?
Speaker A:Of course.
Speaker A:And he brought out this box of pictures of this man who looked exactly like me at the age of 21.
Speaker A:Hold, please.
Speaker B:Are you getting the picture?
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker B:He'S getting the picture.
Speaker B:Ladies and gentlemen, I hope that in the midst of this brief pause that we can just acknowledge that you are loved, you are special, you are valued, and if you don't have anything right now that you believe that you can be grateful for, I definitely hope that you find a moment to just take appreciation for yourself and your existence in this world.
Speaker B:Okay, he's back.
Speaker B:He's got the picture.
Speaker A:I literally was looking for to play Mariah and Whitney.
Speaker A:When you believe.
Speaker B:But his many nights.
Speaker B:Oh, he was handsome.
Speaker A:Exactly.
Speaker A:A little.
Speaker B:A little snick.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Also, my brothers and I are all the same.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:We are our father's child.
Speaker A:We're a bit promiscuous.
Speaker B:I said.
Speaker A:They'Re all over the country tree.
Speaker A:My brothers.
Speaker A:Anyway, so back to the conversation.
Speaker A:Sorry.
Speaker A:Yeah, sorry for that little.
Speaker A:This.
Speaker A:This episode by Tac by.
Speaker A:Why would you say it like that?
Speaker A:Now?
Speaker B:I can't even use that.
Speaker A:You can't.
Speaker A:That was.
Speaker A:That peaked so hard.
Speaker A:I'mma find something in there for that.
Speaker A:I am.
Speaker A:What else?
Speaker A:Let me ask you a question.
Speaker A:Yeah, okay.
Speaker A:How.
Speaker A:How do you keep.
Speaker A:How do you keep track of your gratitude?
Speaker B:Oh, that's a good question.
Speaker B:And interestingly, I have an answer.
Speaker B:So I always talk about journaling and how it's, like, one of those things that help me as a tool, but also, like, just something that helps me feel like I'm being committed to myself because I do it daily.
Speaker B:And one of the ones that I have, it's called the gratitud.
Speaker B:And it's similar, very similar to the 5 Minute Journal, if you've ever heard of that, where every day at the top of the day, it asks you to name three things that you're grateful for.
Speaker B:It asks you to.
Speaker B:What does it say?
Speaker B:No, I take that back.
Speaker B:Is that it?
Speaker B:Hold on, let me.
Speaker B:I have it right here in front of me.
Speaker B:Why am I trying to guess?
Speaker B:Let's be for real.
Speaker B:All right, so at the beginning of the day, it asks you.
Speaker B:It's ask you for one thing that you're grateful for.
Speaker B:So you say, today I am grateful for.
Speaker B:And then it asks you, how will I make today great?
Speaker B:And so you say three things that you believe you can possibly do to make today great.
Speaker B:And then it says, self boosters.
Speaker B:I am.
Speaker B:So ultimately you're writing an I am affirmation.
Speaker B:Then at the end of the day, it comes back and it asks you, how could I have made today better?
Speaker B:And then three awesome things that happened today.
Speaker B:So I think for me, just like documenting my day to day life, in a sense in this journaling experience definitely helps me keep track of things that I'm grateful for.
Speaker B:Also, interestingly enough, I think, you know, of course we're having this conversation right now, but I think also, like, in as many conversations as I can, I try to like, bring up, like moments of gratitude and to express things that I'm grateful for.
Speaker B:Just from that space of like always wanting to be able to think about the good, like no matter where I am, no matter what's going on, thinking about the good, leaning into that idea of the good outweighing the bad and just like understanding that as a concept.
Speaker B:So I think that's definitely it for me.
Speaker B:Do you have a way that you feel like you're able to track it for yourself?
Speaker A:Actually, yes, I do.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:Hold please.
Speaker B:Holding.
Speaker A:Walking to the room.
Speaker A:Walking.
Speaker B:Walking, walking, walking.
Speaker B:Prices.
Speaker B:Really?
Speaker B:That's rolling.
Speaker B:I don't know how that came to mind.
Speaker B:We're gonna get it together.
Speaker B:No, I'm gonna speak for myself.
Speaker B:I'm going to get it together.
Speaker A:So I, you know, do whatever you need to do.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:So you keep a gratitude journal.
Speaker A:I have a gratitude jar.
Speaker A:Oh.
Speaker A:So every, Every month I put little stickies in here of things that happen throughout the month.
Speaker B:I like that a lot.
Speaker B:Inspire me.
Speaker A:You see how it's clear?
Speaker A:So it's I so like.
Speaker A:And I'll look at it at the end of the month.
Speaker A:So let's just take one.
Speaker A:Met up with Blair and Chris in the city.
Speaker A:Oh, had so much fun.
Speaker A:This was at Chris's show.
Speaker B:Since we're here, I'll say it once more.
Speaker B:Hey, Chris.
Speaker A:You know, and so, like, it reminds me to.
Speaker A:To.
Speaker A:And it's not just a gratitude jar, but it's a jar.
Speaker A:It's like every little win because we celebrate all the big wins, but there are so many little wins along the way.
Speaker A:Like, I'm grateful for today when I was driving and all the lights were going my way, I almost averted three accidents who I saw directly in front of me, because people don't know how to merge.
Speaker A:And I meant to call you, but I figured that you were tired of hearing this at work, so why would you want to hear this for a bit?
Speaker B:You should have called me.
Speaker A:Was.
Speaker A:It was like.
Speaker A:As it was happening, I was like, yo.
Speaker A:But so, like, it's.
Speaker A:That's the way I try to keep track of it.
Speaker A:And I admit that I haven't been as consistent with it because it's.
Speaker A:It's something I would do every day.
Speaker A:I would do it when I first wake up.
Speaker A:Whatever.
Speaker A:I. I have a dream journal that's actually digital, so it's not even.
Speaker A:I actually want to get one that you hand write.
Speaker A:Because here's also the other thing about manifestation.
Speaker A:I've talked about this many different ways, and we could talk about how we're grateful.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for understanding, like, learning new things.
Speaker A:Like, manifestation happens when you write down, not when you just type it or when you just speak it, but you put it to pen and paper.
Speaker A:Make it real.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:It's something that you physically can hold, you know, and under.
Speaker A:I understand that.
Speaker A:That there was a time when I did not think that way.
Speaker A:You know, there have been.
Speaker A:You know, and this is also a part of my story.
Speaker A:We can get that to another day.
Speaker A:The many times that I would not be here if it hadn't been.
Speaker B:It had not been.
Speaker A:If it hadn't been for my cousin calling me at the moment where I was about to jump.
Speaker A:If it had not been for the person who.
Speaker A:I mean, at the moment, like, I'm literally on the roof of this building.
Speaker A:Building.
Speaker A:He had no clue.
Speaker A:He just called me to say, hey, what you doing?
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:And this was 27 years ago.
Speaker A:And so, like, here's the other day.
Speaker A:Like, I'm grateful that I have learned so much in this life, and the things that I have learned, I no longer repeat.
Speaker A:But there are new lessons to be learned, so I'm learning those now.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker B:With it.
Speaker A:Go ahead, raise your hand.
Speaker A:You raise your hand.
Speaker B:No, no, I was throwing my finger.
Speaker B:No, I was throwing my finger up.
Speaker B:Like.
Speaker B:Yes, I with it.
Speaker B:I with it.
Speaker A:Because, listen, like, here.
Speaker A:Here's the thing.
Speaker A:And I think that many people can.
Speaker A:Can.
Speaker A:Can understand this part of gratitude.
Speaker A:It could have been so much worse.
Speaker A:Mm.
Speaker A:Like.
Speaker A:Like, that's.
Speaker A:That's it, period.
Speaker B:All these gospel songs that are popping up in my head, like, every time you say something like, it's another.
Speaker B:It could have been me.
Speaker B:It should have been me.
Speaker A:Listen, there are moments, bro.
Speaker A:There are moments like, I. I let it creep in.
Speaker A:Like, working in the funeral industry has also helped me.
Speaker B:I was going to say one thing that I do want to incorporate.
Speaker B:Now that you've mentioned it, I'll say incorporate or adapt.
Speaker B:So I don't like to say I'm stealing this from you, but I want to do that.
Speaker B:That gratitude jar thing is really, really dope, and I think in moments where I may not be feeling my best and I want to be reminded of things that I'm grateful for, I can pull a paper out of the jar and read it and be inspired by that.
Speaker B:That's really cool.
Speaker A:I want to say this one thing and this one thing only.
Speaker A:I was inspired to do this by Francesca Medina, otherwise known as hey, friend, hey.
Speaker A:And if y' all know.
Speaker A:Hey, fan, hey.
Speaker A:If y' all know the Friend Zone podcast, you know, the super friends, she was talking one day about gratitude, and she was in suggesting this very thing.
Speaker A:And I say that this very thing, she is also one of the things that has helped save my life.
Speaker A:Little.
Speaker A:It's the little joys, little understandings, little reality that, you know, if I was to ever see her again, I'm not.
Speaker A:I wouldn't put that weight on her because that's a of lot wait for one person to carry.
Speaker A:But, yeah, well, you know, because that's like me running into Pink and telling her, oh, my God, the song that you did, ladies and gentlemen, as I ramble king, is you don't have to.
Speaker B:Tell people my business.
Speaker B:Nobody had to know what I was over here doing with my microphone condom.
Speaker A:It is not chapstick and it is not something else.
Speaker A:Listen, but like, it's.
Speaker A:It's understanding that when you.
Speaker A:When you learn better, you should do better.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:But it's okay to make mistakes.
Speaker A:It's okay to fall off the wagon every once in again, to be honest with you.
Speaker B:We human, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's your journey.
Speaker A:You're.
Speaker A:I think we all so think of our healing as a race with other people.
Speaker A:It doesn't move in the same space speed, you know, because you're both from two different people.
Speaker A:Three different people, Paul.
Speaker A:You're, you're, you're the most unique person in this world because you are like you.
Speaker A:Oh, Jesus, let me write that down.
Speaker B:Come on.
Speaker B:That's a quotable.
Speaker A:But that's the truth.
Speaker A:And I, I, you know, I, I, I'm grateful for being in my right, you know, mind.
Speaker A:And, you know, I wouldn't say my right body because that's, well, that's also a choice.
Speaker A:I just need to get my fat ass walking up them stairs to that gym and start doing some things instead of, like, ordering dominoes again, you know.
Speaker B:The way that my soul wants Taco Bell right now.
Speaker A:I was just having this conversation about Taco Bell and not being with real meat.
Speaker A:Go ahead.
Speaker A:And you can't even reheat the.
Speaker A:Have you ever tried reheating a taco?
Speaker A:A soft taco?
Speaker B:No, I don't think I would.
Speaker B:But it, but then also, I'm very like, if I'm ordering it, I'm ordering it to eat.
Speaker B:Now there's no heat reading necessary.
Speaker B:So a few things that I did want to say, and these are just five things that I wanted to share based on my experience.
Speaker B:And it's just so interesting because, like I said, this conversation is so very healing for me because, like, I do love leaning into, and I think it just inspires a little bit of joy.
Speaker B:And I wish that this was like, I want to keep this with me.
Speaker B:I want to carry it with me as I go through the rest of my week, as I go into the weekend, as I go into next week, as just an every day of my walk to just remember to always be grateful.
Speaker B:I am grateful for the quiet moments because that's where I actually hear myself growing.
Speaker B:I'm thankful for the people who show up for me, even when I don't know how to show up for myself.
Speaker B:I appreciate the lessons hidden inside the hard days.
Speaker B:They've been shaping me more than the easy ones ever could.
Speaker B:I'm grateful that my purpose keeps finding me, even when fear tries to talk me out of it.
Speaker B:And I'm going to expound on that one in just a moment.
Speaker B:I'm thankful for the love I'm learning to give myself because it's teaching me how to love everything else better.
Speaker B:So in regard to my purpose and how it keeps finding me and how fear is trying to talk me out of it actively, there are so many things lately that I've just been feeling inspired to do just in creative spaces.
Speaker B:It's one of those things where, like, we talked about.
Speaker B:And we talked about this very early on when we started the podcast, about how I had my own solo podcast and how I just kind of got to a point as to where I just.
Speaker B:I didn't feel like it was what I wanted it to be anymore.
Speaker B:And I kind of felt like I was doing it for the sake of just doing something and showing up, putting something out there because I told people that I was going to.
Speaker B:And so it didn't feel like it was being meaningful, and I didn't want to just be putting out what I felt like was ultimately some bullshit.
Speaker B:So I retired it, and I had no intention on coming back to that.
Speaker B:I had no intention on ever reigniting another.
Speaker B:Honestly, if I'm being perfectly sincere, had I not connected with pj, had we not formed the bond that we did, had we not just kind of touched in and tapped in one day, and I wish you all could really, truly know the very first time that we ever had a conversation about we should do something together.
Speaker B:It was so long ago, like, the idea that this is actually happening right now, that we've been doing this and putting out episodes for weeks.
Speaker B:Like, was this week.
Speaker B:Week 10.
Speaker A:This is week 10.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker B:So to think that it's actually happening and that it's been happening for as long as it has been happening, but to actually know how long it took to get here from the first time that we had the conversation, it's like.
Speaker B:It's surreal.
Speaker B:But every time that I find myself in a space of determining for myself that I want to do something, when I decided I wanted to go live on TikTok, when I decided that I wanted to, for whatever reason, start another podcast, I still don't know where that came from, where my audacity drove me, how my audacity drove me into that direction.
Speaker B:But I'm in a space one moment while I yell at my dog.
Speaker B:I thought I was like, did you hear me?
Speaker B:That's.
Speaker B:I was like.
Speaker B:I put it on mute intentionally.
Speaker A:Okay, You.
Speaker A:You know that.
Speaker A:You know that the girls on social media who we read.
Speaker B:Yeah, that reads the book.
Speaker A:I love her, but go ahead.
Speaker B:Yes, but no.
Speaker B:I was gonna say, I think it's one of those things as to where, like, I find myself so much actively.
Speaker B:Like, I gotta start this, because if I don't start it, I'm never gonna do it.
Speaker B:And if it doesn't get started, then it's never gonna happen.
Speaker B:And then I'm Never gonna be.
Speaker B:I'm go regret it for the rest of my life not doing it.
Speaker B:So like I've literally been approaching everything like that, like where I just have to like run out on stage and just make it happen.
Speaker B:Even if it sucks, even if I hate it after I do it, even if I feel like I never want anybody else to know about it.
Speaker B:Like what I've been doing lately with the podcast that I'm hosting Alone man and Flow, I literally sit down, I record.
Speaker B:From the time I'm done recording, I'll say within the next 10 minutes, I have ripped the audio and the video from Riverside post, gone through, come up with a title, come up with the caption, posted the video to the po, all the, the podcasting server so that it can go out to all the platforms.
Speaker B:And then I go in and I post it on.
Speaker B:I copy and paste, do the same thing with the YouTube video and then upload it to YouTube because if I don't, I will talk myself out of it.
Speaker B:I will tell myself all the reasons that I feel stupid, how nobody's going to want to this, how I hate my voice, how I hate the idea of people watching me, how I hate just anything that I could do to create an insecurity for myself, to create a reason that I'm not good enough to create anything that would make me believe something negative about myself in this experience.
Speaker B:I like I have to do that.
Speaker B:And that's something that I've also been so incredibly grateful for lately because it's just like I'm doing it scared, I'm doing it uncomfortable, I'm doing it insecure, I'm doing it without allowing myself to chicken out.
Speaker B:So yeah, I saw you scribbling.
Speaker B:The pad is going, listen.
Speaker A:So just based on that right there, here's what I heard, okay?
Speaker A:You can tell me if I'm right or you could tell me if I'm wrong, or this could be translated in this kind of way.
Speaker A:And the next step to that is how self sabotage plays a role.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:In everything that we do when it comes to the things that we don't do or we don't get done.
Speaker A:And then knowing that you're self sabotaging in this very moment, moment and say, you know what?
Speaker A:I'm not going to do it.
Speaker A:And for you means I'm not going to listen to it, I'm not going to do anything because it'll never go out.
Speaker A:Like, ladies and gentlemen, again, we, at the very beginning of doing this podcast, we had what like six, five Episodes, four episodes already recorded before we even put it out.
Speaker A:We've been doing this for a while beforehand and Christopher was just like, yo, bro, if.
Speaker A:If it's not ready by now, it's not gonna be ready.
Speaker A:Just.
Speaker A:Just put it out.
Speaker A:And I am such a perfectionist to the point.
Speaker A:Like, you know, he's taught me how to really release and not really worry so much now and really step back into even like what we were talking about last week as far as like self doubt and imposter syndrome and things like that.
Speaker A:How.
Speaker A:How that creeps in, then you don't get it done.
Speaker A:Like, I stopped doing the DU project for the very same reason, except for the fact that I was going through stuff and I.
Speaker A:Well, I felt like an imposter.
Speaker A:How could I sit here and try to tell people how to fix their life or try to hear this them and we have like a genuine exchange about how our lives are not either similar, but just how like everybody's story is connected.
Speaker A:Like how, you know, we're all together on this earth walking one path and.
Speaker A:But many different journeys to that one path, which is from life to death.
Speaker B:Different, but same same.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Same thing.
Speaker A:That's.
Speaker A:That's your path from life to death.
Speaker A:But when I. Jesus, hallelujah.
Speaker B:Right now.
Speaker A:God, bring it back.
Speaker A:God, bring it back.
Speaker B:No, because I was like, y', all.
Speaker B:He about to shout, let me.
Speaker B:I'm about to pull out this white sheet.
Speaker A:Y' all can't see it.
Speaker A:Not to.
Speaker A:Not.
Speaker A:Not the communion sheet, the.
Speaker A:The thing that you lay out the napkin.
Speaker A:Anyway.
Speaker A:But no, I lost my train of thought.
Speaker A:What was the last thing I said?
Speaker A:The way you just looked at me, I was like.
Speaker B:I don't know what I just thought.
Speaker B:You asking me what you just said.
Speaker A:Self sabotage.
Speaker A:Like, for you, it's just putting things out.
Speaker A:For me, it's like always not holding on to things to make them appear this way.
Speaker A:But of course, I was raised by a Virgo.
Speaker A:So, like, this is the.
Speaker A:The part of that trauma.
Speaker A:And for all you Virgos out there, just admit it.
Speaker A:Just don't, don't, don't fight.
Speaker A:Don't get defensive in this moment.
Speaker A:This just is what it is for my experience.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:It doesn't have to be for you.
Speaker A:Anyway, you got to give that disclaimer because there are all the take one way about that.
Speaker B:Jesus, have mercy.
Speaker A:Listen as the sirens go by.
Speaker B:Not they standing in solidarity with the Virgos.
Speaker A:Are you okay?
Speaker A:Virgos just.
Speaker A:I literally was waiting for that to go by.
Speaker A:Just wild.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker A:But other ways that I think.
Speaker A:And I don't know if.
Speaker A:If you experience this.
Speaker A:Well, you do, because you just mentioned it earlier, but you have been able to retract yourself because you knew better, and so you learned to do better, but you were still doing bad until you got diagnosed.
Speaker A:And it's taught you how to restructure, like, living.
Speaker A:Living like this, with this for as long as I've ever, you know, done this has really taught me to take better care of my health, get better sleep, be more honest and open with people and actually see people for who they are and what they are.
Speaker A:And, you know, because if I want you to see me for who I am, how the.
Speaker A:Am I not gonna do that for you?
Speaker A:You know, and if you refuse to see that, that.
Speaker A:And you're going to see what you want to see, then that's okay because people always have their own perceptions anyway.
Speaker A:So, hey, think what you want.
Speaker A:You're not a Libra.
Speaker A:And if you are.
Speaker A:What's up?
Speaker A:What's up, gang?
Speaker B:Interestingly, I was going to say another thing that I am grateful for, and I'm sure that this is not a surprise to anyone.
Speaker B:I am so, so very thankful for my therapist.
Speaker B:I don't think that it's funny because, like, I always say, like, for a long time I thought I was doing therapy wrong.
Speaker B:I thought therapy was, like, the place that you showed up and you talked about your problems, and then the therapy therapist went and, like, assigned you work, and then you went back out into the real world and, like, did the homework.
Speaker B:And then you came back and you talked about it, and that was kind of like.
Speaker B:It's like, here's the.
Speaker B:The message and the application and all these different things.
Speaker A:Like, you thought college or like, tb.
Speaker B:Like how TB kind of teaches you therapy.
Speaker B:That's what I was thinking.
Speaker A:But the way you said.
Speaker B:And honestly, like, I, for a really long time struggled with believing that I was benefiting from it or, like, I was showing up in the ways that I needed to in order to be successful at it because, like, I wasn't really able to, like, recognize the impact.
Speaker B:And as time has gone on, there are so many different ways where things kind of come back full circle and I'm able to have conversations with people and notice in a conversation like, oh, that's therapy.
Speaker B:Because had we had this conversation five years ago, this conversation would have went a completely different way.
Speaker A:Or, Or.
Speaker B:Or even the idea of, like, me being able to, like, see things in certain ways and understand things from a Different point of view.
Speaker B:And it's like.
Speaker A:Growth.
Speaker B:Like, it just feels.
Speaker A:There's a.
Speaker A:There's a level of discernment that has to happen.
Speaker A:Happen.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:You have to, like, understand that.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:And be okay with that being the response versus what you say.
Speaker A:You know what I mean?
Speaker A:Like, okay, I'm just gonna walk over here.
Speaker B:It's been a long time since I've had to.
Speaker B:We gotta.
Speaker B:We gotta go outside.
Speaker B:Like, it's been a long time since I've had one of those moments.
Speaker B:And I'm grateful for that because there was a time in my life.
Speaker B:Life where it was like, I think ego, and I think that's another thing that I'm grateful for is the fact that even though, just to be clear that she.
Speaker B:She's still very present and she still does her thing when she wants to do her thing, I have not learned to tame my ego in the way that I would feel like I would truly like to.
Speaker B:However, I can say that she's calmed down quite a bit.
Speaker A:You know what helps working with you?
Speaker A:How.
Speaker A:How what helps and what has helped me.
Speaker A:Me deal with my ego is working with people.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker A:Not doing everything alone.
Speaker A:Because when you do everything alone, it is your ego.
Speaker A:You.
Speaker A:You're doing it for self, by yourself.
Speaker A:When you're collaborative with others, you remove ego from it.
Speaker A:And it's like, what is it the id.
Speaker A:It becomes that.
Speaker A:It becomes how not just to please people, but how to understand people so things can get it done.
Speaker B:Message.
Speaker A:You know, maybe let me.
Speaker A:I should have smoke more.
Speaker A:See, Wes, this.
Speaker A:See, I can only smoke on your episodes, remember?
Speaker A:Let's understand that.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker B:Heard as he lights, as he relights the blood.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I realize it.
Speaker B:I'mma tell you what's so funny is, like, the colors, the chair, the greenery on the wall.
Speaker B:Like, everything is definitely given, like, smoking lounge.
Speaker A:If I could turn this damn blur off.
Speaker A:But this gonna change pretty soon.
Speaker A:Anyway, I'm kind of over it, and I.
Speaker A:So here's.
Speaker A:Well, you said you don't because you can't.
Speaker A:If you could, how often would you change your space?
Speaker B:I'd say probably at least once a month.
Speaker B:Maybe once every once a quarter.
Speaker B:Now, once a month seems excessive.
Speaker A:Once a quarter, Baby, the way I looked.
Speaker B:No, but I say that because when I was a teenager, like, that was the thing for me.
Speaker B:Like, I feel unsettled.
Speaker B:I want to switch things up.
Speaker B:Like, oh, yeah, we're moving the bed.
Speaker B:We moving the dresses over here.
Speaker B:Like, it was very bad as a young adult.
Speaker B:Like, as I'm older now.
Speaker B:Maybe once a quarter just like, just re.
Speaker B:Re Focusing the energy, shifting some things around.
Speaker B:I think based on this particular space, it's difficult to do, especially now that I have this bed.
Speaker B:But yeah, just.
Speaker B:I think once a quarter would be cool.
Speaker B:Like, okay, it's.
Speaker B:It's this month.
Speaker B:Let's do some.
Speaker B:Switch something up.
Speaker B:Bring.
Speaker B:Move something out.
Speaker B:Bring something new in.
Speaker A:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker A:Come on, Libra.
Speaker A:Is that definitely something that we do?
Speaker A:This is definitely something we do.
Speaker A:I want to.
Speaker A:Quarter is a great answer.
Speaker A:Once a month was like, okay.
Speaker B:But I feel once a month would be the desire.
Speaker B:Yeah, I was gonna say it'd be for that space of like.
Speaker B:Ideally, if I could, that would be amazing.
Speaker B:However, if it was once a month, it would be once I was in a space that's where I could pay other people to come in and move the around.
Speaker B:Not me doing it by myself.
Speaker A:And I would be like.
Speaker A:But the crazy.
Speaker B:Come on, guys.
Speaker B:I. I made a. I made a floor plan.
Speaker B:I wanted to look just like.
Speaker A:This would be a new floor plan with every.
Speaker A:It would be like a new showroom for.
Speaker A:Because I used to work in retail.
Speaker A:I used to be a virtual.
Speaker A:Before I became a manager, I was a visual merchandise merchandiser.
Speaker A:So like for H and M, shout out to the place that.
Speaker B:Come on.
Speaker A:They made me so homo.
Speaker A:So gay.
Speaker A:It's so.
Speaker A:It's so.
Speaker A:And I. I associated that I am.
Speaker B:The O's are sile.
Speaker B:H and M.
Speaker A:I am so grateful for that time in my life.
Speaker A:I used to work at Old Navy and that was when I was.
Speaker A:I was with Clarence and we.
Speaker A:You know, and I was still like living the like, you know, I got a girlfriend, you know, only the few people who know me know and kind of things like that.
Speaker A:Everybody else.
Speaker A:Yeah, I got a girlfriend, you know, that's all you need to know.
Speaker A:And working at H and M was the first time I walked around with a gay belt with those studs on them, baby.
Speaker A:I went through so many.
Speaker B:I.
Speaker A:The.
Speaker A:The belt with the studs that.
Speaker A:With the rainbow studs.
Speaker B:I know exactly what you mean.
Speaker B:Oh, rainbow studs.
Speaker B:Got it.
Speaker A:Yeah, the gay belt.
Speaker A:That's what I mean.
Speaker A:The flag.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker A:I went through a.
Speaker A:A phase of bitch, I'm gay.
Speaker A:You know, you just take it to love it.
Speaker A:I was walking around with the flag on my chest or whatever.
Speaker A:A little pin I had ran to one of my ex girlfriends shout out to.
Speaker A:If you ever listen to this Rochelle.
Speaker A:I doubt it, you know, but she's a Delta now.
Speaker A:But she walked in and she was coming to the register and I had the bracelet on.
Speaker A:She said, well, okay, that makes sense.
Speaker B:Bitch.
Speaker A:28.96.
Speaker A:Okay, girl, get out.
Speaker B:That's your baby holler.
Speaker A:Okay?
Speaker A:Because she blew up something in my eye.
Speaker A:Anyway, that's for another story.
Speaker A:But I'm grateful for that time because I learned more about myself and more about what acceptance looks like.
Speaker A:Because I worked for H M back when it was like Lane.
Speaker A:When it looked like Lane Bryant.
Speaker A:Like, it was just all white blocks and stuff.
Speaker A:Like, I mean, this is.
Speaker A: We're talking about the early: Speaker A:Came here because I helped like, open up 12 stores across the country.
Speaker B:Oh, cool.
Speaker A:Yeah, I was.
Speaker A:I was Mr. H M until they said, you know what?
Speaker B:You're fired.
Speaker A:All because of a drunken.
Speaker A:And I told y', all, see, when a Libra tells you something, y' all need to learn to listen to us.
Speaker A:I'm.
Speaker A:You know, that's.
Speaker A:I might say this for Libra Nation month, but.
Speaker A:Yeah, for real.
Speaker A:No, because I told you she was stealing.
Speaker A:But because I caught her and she was taking money and going to Applebee's and getting drunk with it from the petty cash and this and that, whatever, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada yada.
Speaker A:She heard that, I said it.
Speaker A:So she got me fired on some old.
Speaker A:Like the tail was $4 short, kind of.
Speaker A:And then months later they like, like.
Speaker A:So Katrina was stealing.
Speaker A:Oh, but I'm unhirable.
Speaker A:I'm unrehirable now at this moment.
Speaker A:Burn.
Speaker B:Anyway, random and unrelated from any prior conversation.
Speaker B:I am really concerned about our good sister.
Speaker B:Actually, she not my sister.
Speaker B:I am really concerned about our good niece, Lil Nas X. I'm not concerned.
Speaker B:I'm concerned.
Speaker A:You know what?
Speaker A:I can't be concerned with someone who is aware of what they're doing.
Speaker A:And maybe not aware, but it's just, you know, they're spiraling.
Speaker A:Maybe they're.
Speaker A:But I can't be concerned.
Speaker A:I can't be concerned because there's people with money.
Speaker B:But addiction, I was going to say addiction is a thing though.
Speaker B:And we never know how that shows up in people's lives and what that could be inspiring.
Speaker B:So I think that's my concern.
Speaker B:I just want him to get to a point as to where he could be okay.
Speaker B:Cuz he is so young and we see so many people leave us because of that.
Speaker B:And who knows, maybe he has nothing else great to offer to music and that's okay.
Speaker B:But he's still human and he's still a young Man.
Speaker B:And he still deserves to be here.
Speaker B:I would hate to see him go over.
Speaker B:I mean, something stupid.
Speaker A:I'm not concerned.
Speaker A:The only reason why I say I'm not concerned is because there are people with far less money with much bigger problems.
Speaker B:Okay?
Speaker B:So I get that it's respect.
Speaker A:Access is access.
Speaker A:And what people don't understand, especially when it comes to addiction, that the better access you have, the more.
Speaker A:The more problems you will create for yourself.
Speaker A:So I'm grateful for one more thing as we end this conversation, because, baby, this one's.
Speaker A:This one's a good one.
Speaker A:But I am grateful for you.
Speaker B:I'm grateful for you, too.
Speaker B:That was not what I thought you were gonna say, but that is really sweet because I was thinking you were gonna say something else and that we were gonna touch and agree and it was gonna be an amazing experience.
Speaker B:However, I am also very grateful for.
Speaker A:For you.
Speaker B:I don't think that this would be what it is if it was with anybody else.
Speaker B:And I always attribute, you know, to your many accolades and your success and your great wealth of experience.
Speaker B:But all of those things aside, there's something about who you are as an individual human being that shows up as, like, you know, we.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker B:We hear people talk about personality.
Speaker B:We hear people talk about, you know, self concept, but I think a lot of times we don't really have broad conversations about character.
Speaker B:And you have really amazing char.
Speaker B:And so I'm grateful that I get to be on this journey with you because I know that I can trust you to make sure that this is going to be what it is.
Speaker B:And for anybody that has.
Speaker B:I have never said this here.
Speaker B:He knows.
Speaker B:We talked about it privately.
Speaker B:I've said that I'm going to do better.
Speaker B:I have not done better yet.
Speaker B:But I don't.
Speaker B:I don't listen to the episodes.
Speaker B:I think I started, like, I think maybe I listened to one because we were really excited to put it out.
Speaker B:I listened to one, I might have listened to two, and I think I started on three, but I don't listen for me, and it's not because, like, I'm.
Speaker B:Oh, like, what am I listening for?
Speaker B:It's not even a thing of, like, being insecure about hearing my voice.
Speaker B:It's none of those things.
Speaker B:Ultimately, what it comes down to is.
Speaker B:Is that I think one.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's.
Speaker B:It's funny because Tashina Arnold's not Tishina Arnold.
Speaker B:Tisha Campbell recently made a comment.
Speaker B:I did.
Speaker B:Tisha Campbell recently made a comment about how they were.
Speaker B:So when they were young.
Speaker B:They were so used to, like, every.
Speaker B:Everything was about their next job because they were asking her about how she just recently.
Speaker B:Martin.
Speaker B:And she was saying, like, I.
Speaker B:We just were always focused on the next gig.
Speaker B:We.
Speaker A:We.
Speaker B:We didn't pay attention to the work in the moment.
Speaker B:We were so ready.
Speaker B:Like, we were always so focused on moving on to the next thing.
Speaker B:And I think for me, it's more so the idea of, like, once I've had the conversation, it's like, I was there.
Speaker B:We put it out into the universe.
Speaker B:Everything that needed to be said was said.
Speaker B:We put it on the floor, and now I'm leaving it there, and I'm walking away from it.
Speaker B:And then.
Speaker B:Not only that, but.
Speaker B:But I feel like for me to listen back to it would ultimately put me in the position to critique it.
Speaker B:And I could never critique it, because no matter what, it's perfect just the way that it is, because PJ put his hands on it, and I feel safe and secure in that.
Speaker B:Knowing that that's the case, I don't have to listen to it.
Speaker B:It's perfect.
Speaker B:But I am going to start listening to it because.
Speaker B:Because he and I had a conversation, and he would like for me to.
Speaker B:So there's that.
Speaker B:But, yeah, I'm grateful for you, too.
Speaker B:However, I really thought that that was going to be something sexual when you said, I have one more thing that I'm grateful for, and I was like, yes.
Speaker A:No, it's not.
Speaker B:Well, spirit and energy were there for me with you, and that I am.
Speaker A:Okay, so you want to talk about something sexual?
Speaker A:I am grateful.
Speaker A:Not something sexual.
Speaker A:Sexual.
Speaker A:But let me just correct that here.
Speaker A:So sexual.
Speaker A:Are you.
Speaker B:You want to talk about some sexual.
Speaker B:No, I'm kidding.
Speaker A:It's like, come on.
Speaker A:Come on.
Speaker A:Why do you have to talk.
Speaker A:I am grateful for knowing more about what I like sexually.
Speaker A:Hmm.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for understanding the way I like it is the way I like it.
Speaker A:And it doesn't have to be approved by anybody else, because it's the way I like it.
Speaker A:I'm grateful for understanding my power when it comes to sex.
Speaker B:Hello, somebody.
Speaker A:Because a lot of us don't realize that we're just giving our power away.
Speaker A:Some people can just, like, let you hold it for a second and say, thank you so much.
Speaker B:I'll take.
Speaker A:Take this now, like myself, when I leave.
Speaker A:But I'm really grateful for understanding that sex does not equal intimacy.
Speaker A:That's the lesson I've needed to learn.
Speaker B:My entire life, and that is valuable, and that is A wrap.
Speaker B:That's a wrap.
Speaker B:We can close at that.
Speaker B:Let's repeat it one more time for the people in the back.
Speaker B:What did you say about sex and intention?
Speaker B:Intimacy.
Speaker A:Sex does not equate intimacy.
Speaker A:I've learned that lesson my entire life, and I think it hasn't happened.
Speaker A:It hasn't really kicked in until, you.
Speaker B:Know, while PJ was telling y' all all my business about me and my microphone condom.
Speaker B:I wish I could see him with this goddamn clippers brush that he's been running back and forth over his mustache this whole goddamn episode.
Speaker B:Since we want to talk about what we're rubbing on our face, however, with that, thank you all so much.
Speaker A:Fixing my mustache, my eyebrows.
Speaker B:Thank you all so much for joining us for another episode of what Are We Even Talking About, AKA Wawita.
Speaker B:We are always so grateful to have you.
Speaker B:I always say in all of the spaces that I'm in where people get to hear me, to see me, to experience me.
Speaker B:And I'm sure that, pj, I don't want to speak for you, but I'm sure you might agree your time is valuable and you can spend it anywhere.
Speaker B:And we are so grateful that you take the time, if even for a moment, if you started playing this while you were cleaning up, if you started playing this on a long car ride, if you're listening to us to get through your work day, wherever you are, whatever you're doing, we are so grateful that you choose to take some time and share in this moment with us.
Speaker B:And as always, we would love to have your feedback.
Speaker B:If you follow us on social media, please definitely leave some comments, let us know what you're thinking.
Speaker B:If you don't want it to be public, if you want to say that something that we said resonates with you, and if you want to share maybe a personal story or something that you might have touched you in a way that maybe you don't want to leave in a comment section, definitely put it in the inbox.
Speaker B:We read them regularly.
Speaker B:We would love to be able to have conversations with you.
Speaker B:So definitely please do that for us.
Speaker B:Pj, anything you want to leave us with?
Speaker A:You know, I. I do want to leave y' all with the one thing that's really important.
Speaker A:Y' all understand you have to do your Kegels.
Speaker A:For those of you who the Kegels important, do you?
Speaker A:Kicko?
Speaker B:Scott, let's do no mind right now.
Speaker A:Not my look of confusion.
Speaker A:Don't worry about it.
Speaker B:Something down here.
Speaker B:Something down here clinching, baby.
Speaker B:Something down here.
Speaker B:Is clinching.
Speaker A:I am so dumb with you.
Speaker A:Okay.
Speaker B:All right.
Speaker B:Love y'.
Speaker B:All.
Speaker A:Oh, yeah, no, I did want to add that.
Speaker A:No, no, wait, wait, no.
Speaker A:Let me ask something serious.
Speaker A:Nah.
Speaker A:Thank you for coming, y'.
Speaker A:All.
Speaker A:That's it.
Speaker B:Thank you for being a friend.
Speaker A:Wait, wait.
Speaker A:While you were saying what you was talking about me in the moment, and you were like, he's got personality.
Speaker A:You were looking down.
Speaker A:I want you to know I'm so glad you were looking down, because in my mind, all I could hear was, he's got personality.
Speaker A:Walk.
Speaker A:Personality.
Speaker B:Are you doing it with your hands?
Speaker B:I couldn't see you.
Speaker A:So glad you didn't look up.
Speaker A:That is hilarious.
Speaker A:That's what I heard.
Speaker A:Anyway, so on that note.
Speaker B:If you would like to find us on social media, you can do so on Instagram @wawita.w a w E T A.
Speaker B:What are we even talking about?
Speaker B:Acronym podcast.
Speaker B:So that is wawita Podcast.
Speaker B:If you want to send us an email, questions, comments, concerns, you can do so@wawita.castmail.com that is W A W E T A.cast gmail.com.
